I Banned My Kid's New Friends. Then Lisa Set Me Straight

Hi, friends. I'm taking over the teen column again today, since my big kids, who are 12 and 15, are either on the edge of puberty or deep in it. And just as my kids are going through this not-so-easy stage for the first time, I'm also going through it for the first time as their mom.

When you get behind the wheel for the first time, you don't do it alone. There's someone in the passenger seat who's been driving for a looooong time. When you go into the water for the first time, you have a swim teacher. When you try pottery for the first time, you watch people who already know how to do it. And that's exactly what we should do when we're guiding our kids through the teen years for the first time: ask other people who've already been through it! Swap stories, learn, listen!

I have the absolute luxury that Lisa has already raised three kids through puberty, and our kids aren't all that different. How often have I told you here about situations that drove me up the wall, and Lisa had already lived through the exact same thing twenty times?

The teen years bring home whole new issues

So here's what happened at our house. My kid had plans with some friends. New friends, ones I don't know and that my kid hasn't known for long either. They were out together and decided to stop at a grocery store to buy something to eat. Inside, one of these friends said he wanted to steal something. My kid said right away, "I'm not doing that. I'll wait for you outside," and left the store. Sure enough, the others got caught stealing. The police showed up, the parents were called, and my kid came home completely shaken and told me everything.

I was pretty shocked and, ta-daaaaa, I reacted really, really badly. Namely, by forbidding my kid to hang out with these new friends. When I told Lisa about it the next day, she gave me a bit of a talking-to: "Didn't you celebrate your kid for not stealing? Do you have any idea how hard it is to resist peer pressure at that age? Not many kids can do it, and that's seriously cool."

And she went on: "There's no reason to cut off contact, either. Your kid just showed very clearly that they won't be pulled in the wrong direction by these new friends." WOW, I thought right away. I really didn't handle that well, and thank goodness Lisa showed me this perspective.

When my kid came home that day, I took them aside and said that I hadn't reacted the right way and that I was proud of how well they'd stood their ground. I told them I was scared, that all of this is new territory, and that I still have to learn how to deal with these new challenges.

Why am I telling you this today? Because it made me realize that at the start of parenthood, we talk to each other constantly. How does your baby sleep? When are you starting solids, and with what? How's the daycare transition going? But later on, we often try to muddle through on our own. So I want to say this to you: Stay connected! Ask other parents! Stay open to other perspectives! Nobody can know and do everything alone, and it's often really, really good to hear an outside opinion.