Is Fair Really Equal? How Money and Love Get Split Among Kids

Friends, what's your gut reaction: are you fair to your kids? I bet you have an instant feeling about that one. But fairness is a tricky thing. And it's open to interpretation.

Say membership in the soccer club costs 60 euros a year, but the tennis club costs 600. Is it fair to hand the soccer kid the money you saved? Or is fairness, for you, more like this: every kid gets to have a hobby, and the cost doesn't go on the fairness scale at all...

You can see the topic is complicated. And there are just different ways of handling it. For some families, the money has to balance out somehow. For others, it's the opportunities and the support that have to balance.

Who in the family needs what?

But even then: maybe one kid loves it when you're standing on the sideline, and the other can't stand it because it makes them feel watched. We wouldn't push through and show up anyway just for fairness's sake, right? 😉

So in the end, being fair probably means responding to each kid as an individual. But does that work as a universal formula? Our oldest, for example, inherited her great-grandma's car, which Great-Grandma didn't want to drive anymore after her 90th birthday.

So do we now have to park a car in front of the house for each of the twins when they turn 18? Two cars, because otherwise it's unfair? Wouldn't that be nice, but sadly, no. There's no stash of extra great-grandmas conjured up to get rid of their cars, and we can't exactly go into debt just because it would be fair to the kids.

Sometimes life hands you situations that come down to what's going on right now and what's possible. And no, we're not paying the boys some kind of compensation because we help our oldest with her rent in a shared apartment. What they can count on is that they'll be supported too, as much as we're able, when they eventually leave the nest. And if the money isn't there, then maybe it's help with cleaning, cooking, or tidying up so they can keep their part-time jobs. Or whatever.

We can't treat every sibling the "same"

Katharina told me on the phone the other day that she treats her baby of the family differently from the older kids in some ways. And honestly, isn't that obvious? When she had just one child, she could handle things totally differently than with three more in the house. Your energy reserves get tested in a different way, you pick your battles carefully, and maybe you let a few things slide because: tired. Not up for a debate. That's just human!

Or say you invested in stocks or ETFs for your kids when they were born. Now one kid's account is going through the roof, and the other's is just limping along. What would you say: is it fair that you had the good idea to lay a foundation for both of them, or is it unfair because the kids end up with different payouts?

When I asked the boys yesterday morning whether they feel we treat them fairly, they didn't even know what we meant. Fairness isn't a big topic in our everyday life. We never say things like: "Uh, we pay for tutoring for you but not for your brother, so he's getting a compensation payment now."

We also don't do much keeping score between us as parents, or keep Excel spreadsheets of expenses or chores. Whoever's around does what needs doing. Whoever has a little extra in their account pays for the vacation or the car repair. Or one of us covers the vacation rental and the other one gets the rental car. We go mostly by feel and not so much like a company. The idea is more: what we have can be used for everyone. According to what's possible, according to what's needed.

Are you fair to each of your kids?

By and large, we do make sure things feel reasonably balanced overall, but we couldn't tell you which of our kids has been the most or least expensive so far, you know what I mean? (What I do check is that one kid doesn't have two presents under the tree at Christmas and another has 16. Then I'd rather wrap a few more bags of Haribo so it at least looks halfway fair 😉)

But here's what I can say: the love! The love is divided fairly among all of our kids. They can all count on us and our unconditional support equally. And whoever needs a hug gets one. Whoever wants a hobby should get to have one (though luckily, playing soccer is really pretty cheap. Imagine if they wanted to be glider pilots or jockeys). Now I'm curious, though: how do you handle fairness?