Nele and Edith Were Both Married When They Fell in Love

Hi, friends! When Nele and Edith met, each of them was still married to her husband, and each had two kids. They quickly realized this was going to be more than a friendship, and meeting each other turned their lives upside down. In this interview, the two of them, who also share their experiences on Instagram, tell us everything that happened next.

How, where, and when did you first see each other, and… did it click right away?

We were both traveling with our families (spouses and kids) and met in Austria. We had so much in common, and our kids were the same age, so we were simply thrilled to have found each other. Secretly, we hoped to walk part of the road together in the future – maybe even as best friends.

What do you especially value about each other?

Edith: “Your softness and tenderness, and at the same time your strength, and that you stand up for things and fight for them when they matter to you. Because it means I can rely on you! You notice, at just the right moments, when I need you.”

Nele: “Your sense of adventure, and that life is so much more alive with you. Your strength in tackling things, which gives me the feeling that we can do it. That you’re so sensitive and always see right away when I’m not doing well. That you’re an open, thoughtful person and we can talk about anything.”

You’d both been married for about five years – each to the father of your children – when you realized: Whoa, we’ve fallen in love with each other. What wild feelings were in your hearts at that time, and what showed you this was more than friendship?

On one hand, that incredible feeling of floating on cloud nine, the butterflies in your stomach. We could barely eat and wanted to spend as much time together as possible. But at the same time, there was fear – what did this mean for our marriages? Neither of us planned to separate at that point, and at first we saw our meeting as something that complemented our lives – for things we’d been missing in our marriages. That didn’t work, though, because we quickly realized there was more between us.

For you, it wasn’t just a breakup but also a coming out. How did you tell your families?

Edith: “I said it pretty casually. ‘I’ve fallen in love with Nele.’ The coming out itself felt easy at first, because the focus back then was more on the fact that I’d fallen in love again at all, while I was married! What a coming out really means, and the weight of it, only hit me in the months afterward.”

Nele: “For me, falling in love with a woman was a bigger deal. Because it changed my whole identity. Still, I wanted to bring my family and friends along from the start, and telling them wasn’t hard. The biggest hurdle was probably my parents. I figured they wouldn’t have a problem with my sexuality, but my leaving my husband hit them harder.”

Were the reactions from the people around you what you’d expected? You also say you had to leave your entire circle of friends and your safe surroundings behind.

Our friends were happy for us across the board and understood our decision. Our families were partly more reserved, for the reasons mentioned above. I (Nele) hadn’t expected that and thought everyone would simply be happy with me. But I also understand that it wasn’t easy for everyone, especially because some of them had been through hard separations themselves.

We left our familiar (social) circle because we wanted to go traveling, and at first that had nothing to do with the coming out. The fact that we lived far apart in Germany made it easier to go abroad and start fresh together.

When you look at each other today, is there a feeling that says, “It was all worth it. There was no other way”?

Yes, definitely. Even though we’ve often doubted our decisions over the last few years, life and our feelings for each other have kept reassuring us that it was the right thing.

How do you live today? As far as I know, you still haven’t moved in together after all these years. How come?

Over the last four years, we’ve tried lots of living arrangements, but none of them has fit for good. It’s important to us that everyone feels comfortable and that each of us has space for herself with her own kids. So right now we live on a plot of land of about 5,400 square feet (500 square meters), and each of us has her own small living unit.

What setup do the kids live in, how do they get along with each other, and how are they and the dads handling it?

Our kids have grown into our big, colorful family pretty naturally. They were still little when we met, and they didn’t really grasp right away that their parents had separated. One of the dads has stayed nearby from the very beginning and has even gone traveling with us.

Only now, after more than four years, are we taking the first tentative steps toward a 50/50 custody schedule, though we still live very close to each other. We have good contact with the other dad and try to see him as often as we can. The kids get along really well!

Of course there are fights sometimes, and especially at the beginning, everyone had to find their place in a new role and come to terms with the fact that the family was suddenly so much bigger, louder, and more chaotic. Sometimes there were new or different rules or rituals, too. So for us, not living all together in one household for good has been the best fit so far.

When you think about your future, what else do you have in mind?

Oh, we have a lot in mind. Anywhere between a shared self-sufficient homestead and a trip around the world with the four kids (and eventually just the two of us, once the kids are older) is possible… We’re a good team, and we’re excited about doing projects together in the future.

Would you like to offer a little encouragement to anyone who’s struggling right now and wondering whether a path like this could be right for them?

Trust your gut and follow your heart! It’s worth staying true to yourself. That’s the foundation of everything, and it helps enormously in hard times. Don’t give up too quickly, because it takes time to process the breakup of the core family and to grow together again as a blended family.