Meeting Your Teen's First Love: How to Be a Good Future Mother-in-Law

Hi, you guys! We asked you on Instagram which topics you'd like us to cover in upcoming columns. One request was: How do I become a good mother-in-law?

You probably didn't mean the actual wedding. We're guessing you meant what to do when your son or daughter brings a boyfriend or girlfriend home for the first time. And, from there, how to build a good connection that doesn't get awkward for anyone involved.

It's a big question. As big as: How do I become a good person? How do I make friends? How do I find the partner I'll spend my life with? The answer to all of them comes down to being human. So stay human when you meet your kid's new love!

Be friendly and welcoming, but try not to be too curious. Don't make them recite a poem, and maybe don't open with "So, what do your parents do for a living?" 😉 It's also best not to make a huge production out of it. Just act like everything is totally normal.

“Good Mother-in-Law”? The First Meeting

How do you usually greet your kids' other friends? Do you shake their hands? Introduce yourself? Do you let them call you by your first name, or is it Mrs. Smith? Or do you just keep bustling around and say, "Hey, so glad you're here, help yourselves to something to eat or a cold drink from the fridge, make yourselves at home!"

Do you offer to drive the two of them somewhere later? Do you keep talking to your own kid like you normally would? Better to come across as open and likable than skeptical and critical. That weird up-and-down once-over just feels uncomfortable.

The very best tip, I think, is to look back at your own past: Which reactions from your friends' parents made you feel comfortable? Which ones didn't? That's a great compass! And if you're unsure, ask your kids whether you should do anything differently than usual. Or whether you should just be yourself, like always.

Then you can simply stay open to whatever is offered to you, and of course make offers yourself. If a family dinner at a restaurant is coming up, you can absolutely tell your kid to ask their partner if they'd like to come along. Those are great chances to start talking.

Feeling Each Other Out: Nobody Wants to Get It Wrong

Be warned, though: a lot of new boyfriends and girlfriends are seriously intimidated by their sweetheart's parents. I can't tell you how often I hear from parents that their kid's new love won't say a single word to them. Or that it takes months. Don't react with annoyance or pressure. Just stay at it.

In the end, nobody wants to say or do the wrong thing, and sometimes pulling back feels like the safest way. But if you stay as open as you usually are, it will click at some point. I'm pretty sure of that.

And once trust is there, you can hug hello and goodbye. You can go on a shopping trip together or even head off on vacation together. You can send a text on birthdays or leave a little good-luck note before exams.

Big Loves and “Partners for Now”

What I find really, really important is the basic idea that above all, our kid is the one who has to be happy with this person. We shouldn't pile on pressure by jumping in with total enthusiasm and saying, Ooh, when you two get married… and then end up more heartbroken than our kid when it's over. It can help to think of the person as a partner for this chapter of life, not necessarily forever.

And if we're not quite so thrilled, we should still stay tolerant and trust that our kid has their reasons for being with exactly this person right now. Don't meddle too much. Accept who and what your kids choose, as long as it's possible for you and nobody is in danger. Just offer your support from the sidelines, like always.

What do you think? Have you been through this yet? Tell us in the comments.