Loving Someone Whose Brain Works Differently Than Yours

Friends, the word neurodivergence is everywhere right now. But what does it actually do to a relationship when one of the people in it is neurodivergent? How can couples handle it? Dr. Rosalie Weigand takes on that question in her book “Zu viel, zu nah, zu sehr” (“Too Much, Too Close, Too Intense”): How to Build a Loving Relationship When Your Needs Are Different. The first step is simply understanding what neurodivergence means in a partnership.

Rosalie, what exactly makes a relationship with a neurodivergent person so unique?

In general, the more different the partners' neurotypes are, the more challenging a relationship tends to be. Between neurotypical and neurodivergent people, there are particular quirks and conflicts because perception, sensory processing, communication, and emotional regulation all work differently. When both partners learn to see these differences as differences instead of personal attacks, the result can be an especially deep, honest, and creative relationship.

Can you explain neurodivergence in three sentences, just the basics?

Neurodivergence means that the brain processes information differently than it does for most people. It includes ADHD and autism, among other things. These aren't mental illnesses but neurological variations (the diagnostic manuals call them “neurodevelopmental disorders”), each with its own strengths and challenges. People who aren't neurodivergent are called “neurotypical.”

When it gets to be too much, too close, too intense for one partner, what do you recommend as the very first step?

The first step is to look at the situation not as a communication problem, but as a possible regulation problem. An overloaded nervous system often can't listen well or explain well. So the best advice is often this: calm the nervous system first (for example, by reducing sensory input), and only then start talking and work on the problem.

Do you feel like a lot of relationships wouldn't have to fail if everyone involved were more aware that their brains work differently?

Yes. I believe that being aware of (neurological) differences, and being tolerant of other ways of thinking and perceiving, can do a lot to build your relationship skills. I don't think knowledge alone can save every relationship. But I'm convinced that many couples would hurt each other a lot less. When I understand that my partner isn't ignoring me, rejecting me, or hurting me on purpose, but that their brain simply processes information differently, it fundamentally changes what a lot of conflicts mean.

Do you feel that neurodivergence can lead not only to difficulties but also to incredible highs? Is everything just more intense, in every direction?

Many neurodivergent people really do experience emotions, interests, and connection very intensely. That intensity can lead to overwhelm, but just as much to extraordinary enthusiasm, honesty, loyalty, and creativity. That's why I'd rather talk about a different way of experiencing things than a blanket “turned up to eleven.” It has to do with the way attention works differently, for example.

Autistic people, for instance, notice things in more detail and so often more intensely. People with ADHD tend to develop an intense “hyperfocus.” On top of that, neurodivergent people are often more sensitive to sensory input, so in general they perceive things as louder, more intense, stronger. Depending on the context, that can be positive or negative.

If one partner wants more closeness and the other needs a lot of space: is that an unbridgeable gap, or are there solutions that work for both?

That's one of the most common conflicts there is, and the problem often isn't the withdrawing or the closeness itself, but how each person interprets it. What matters is that withdrawing isn't automatically read as rejection, and a need for closeness isn't automatically read as clinginess.

Neurodivergent people often need to withdraw and have quiet time more frequently, precisely because their experience tends to be more intense and their reserves get used up. It has to be okay to pull back in those moments. Of course, couples can also work out compromises. For example, neurodivergent people often benefit, in overloaded moments, from other forms of closeness, like simply being in the same space together without talking.

If the neurodivergent partner has different impulse control, what's the best way to work through conflicts?

That depends on how pronounced the impulse control difficulties are. Often, concrete agreements already help, like a hand signal or a code word either partner can use to stop a conflict early when one of them is starting to “boil over.” The goal is to widen the space between trigger and reaction. If the difficulties are more severe, that exact skill can also be trained very well in psychotherapy.

Sometimes, is just knowing about the neurodivergence enough to help couples understand each other better?

Yes, I see that in my practice again and again. Knowing how the other neurotype perceives and reacts can make you less quick to judge and help you understand more. That can quickly set a positive cycle in motion, because when you're suddenly met with more understanding and openness, your own nervous system can relax, and you automatically have more reserves to draw on. 

Would you describe neurodivergence as a character trait?

No. Neurodivergence doesn't describe character, it describes the way the brain processes information. It's the “hardware,” so to speak, while character, or “personality,” as psychologists call it, is the software, made up of traits like openness, extraversion, conscientiousness, agreeableness, or emotional stability. 

What gave you the idea to write a whole book about this?

In my therapy work, I see neurodivergent couples describe the same conflicts over and over, while they can barely find any down-to-earth, science-based books written specifically for relationships. In individual therapy, too, patients very often brought up relationship issues and asked me for book recommendations, which I often couldn't give them. So it was important to me to write a book that explains, takes some of the pressure off, and above all puts concrete tools in your hands.

What do you want to tell all the couples who are affected in some way?

I hope people stop jumping to the conclusion that neurodivergent behavior means a lack of love or a lack of willingness. When we understand differences better and learn to regulate our nervous systems (together), closeness, understanding, and connection often come back.

I'd like to encourage couples to be curious and open about how their partner's brain works, and to be less quick to judge. At the same time, understanding doesn't mean accepting everything: a relationship that works needs both people to be willing to take responsibility and look for solutions.