Assume the Best First: Being Your Teen's Biggest Fan

Hi, friends! Last week I shared a Reel on my Instagram Stories in which a very smart man says that unconditional love means loving someone completely apart from what they achieve, simply for their BEING. It's about the person, not their actions, about the core inside, not the outward stuff. I believe we get to assume the best first.

Many of us love our child before we even know them. There's a deep connection before we can see, hear, or smell our baby. We love them because they are. We don't need to know their personality first, and they don't have to show us anything, deliver anything, or achieve anything for it.

And doesn't a lawyer who defends a criminal (okay, big leap, but I did that on purpose!) start with the core, the person, and not just the act? Doesn't our law say that everyone has the right to be defended?

Aren't all people equal before the law, with the same claim to equal protection under it? Doesn't everyone accused of a crime have the right to a fair trial? Isn't human dignity inviolable?

Here's a slightly less intense example: loving your soccer team. Once you've truly lost your heart to a club, there's no getting it back. And that has nothing to do with how the team plays. We get mad about players who look like they've stopped trying, about dumb transfer decisions, but we never doubt our basic love for the team. In good times and bad. Through thick and thin.

I think that love for a team translates beautifully to how we accompany our kids through the teen years. Yes, they might take a weird turn or two, but sometimes even that leads to a win. Maybe someone trips over their own feet now and then, and then it's up to us whether we boo them or help them back up. Are we fans? Do we stay fans?

It's still the same team, or the same kid, even if right now it's a phase where we barely recognize them. But why not try something new? Surprise the other side, throw them off, come at it differently for once? Maybe that's exactly the strategy that moves everyone forward. We're allowed to be brave and curious and willing to experiment.

And no, I don't always assume the worst first. I always assume the best first. No child is born a tyrant who just wants to annoy their parents and has to be “shaped” first. No team starts a season with the goal of losing as often as possible or injuring as many players as possible. It's about moving forward together, about role models, about teamwork, about mental and physical capacity.

So when several 17-year-olds are baking muffins at our house, my first comment isn't “Well, YOU are cleaning up this mess.” It's “Wow, how cool are you guys? Whose idea was this? Where did you get the recipe?”

When my kid says they want to go on vacation with their friends next year, my first comment isn't “Well, have fun earning the money to pay for that.” It's “Hey, so awesome that you guys feel ready for this! Who's cooking? Let's think about how we could make it work financially, because how great is that, great, great, great!”

Assume the Best First

We can try not to always assume the worst, and start with the best instead. Of course I understand if it's different for you because trust has been broken more than once. When things like addiction, secrets, neurodivergence, or more are in the picture, optimism isn't always so easy. And still, I like the mindset that believes in them first, that celebrates with them, that's a fan and cheers them on.

Earlier this week I read a line that got me thinking. It goes: “The opposite of coercion isn't freedom, it's connection.” What do you think of it in this context? (And please give the song “Ding Südkurv” a quiet listen. I cry every time it's played at Carnival, because yes: we get to be our kids' biggest fans!)