My Daughter Asked, "Do You Ever Feel Mom Guilt?"

Friends, the other day a book was lying on our kitchen table about the challenges of motherhood. On the back cover, the author wrote that guilt has been her daily companion ever since she had kids. My oldest (14) read it and asked, truly astonished, “Guilt? Do you ever feel guilty?” She was so surprised. She honestly couldn't imagine that I might feel any guilt connected to being a mom.

What I could have said: “Yes, there have been, and still are, phases in my life when I felt guilty all the time. When I spent my days racing between daycare and my full-time job. When you were often the last kid left at pickup and I was way too tired to play or be silly. When I quit my job with no backup plan, thinking I'd be financially dependent on your dad. How could I be so un-emancipated, after all? The first times I traveled without the kids and someone asked where the poor children were.

“The nights I paced the apartment with a screaming baby in my arms, wondering if we wouldn't have been happier without kids. When I texted Lisa in the morning that I couldn't work again because a kid was sick. When I inhaled half a chocolate bar in five seconds but hadn't gone for a run in three weeks. When I hadn't called friends in way too long, or didn't pick up when they called me.

A Thousand Reasons to Feel Guilty

“When I check the clock every two minutes, waiting for the evening, when all the kids are finally asleep. When I realized I can't possibly be equally fair to all four kids. When I left the youngest crying at daycare. When your brother suddenly got so fast on his balance bike the other day and I kind of zoned out, and next thing I knew he was on the main road and the nearest car wasn't far off.

“Because sometimes I have no idea what's next for me career-wise, and everyone seems to be passing me by. When I lost it, even though I know yelling gets me nowhere. When I let the TV run longer and it's buttered noodles for dinner again. When I sometimes feel old because there's stuff I just don't get anymore.

“When I think badly about my body, even though I know everything about me is totally fine. Or the other day, when I bought that expensive sweater I don't even need. When I'm lying in bed at night and realize the wet laundry is still sitting in the washing machine. When I turn down a work opportunity because I'm scared to step out of my comfort zone.”

I could have said all of that, but I didn't. What I said was: “Yes, there have been, and still are, phases in my life when I felt guilty all the time. Because I thought I wasn't doing things well enough. But you know, you can't do everything well all the time. That's normal, and so you don't have to feel guilty. That's just life.”

My daughter looked at me and said, “Honestly, you don't need to feel guilty because of us. You're a great mom.” Then she grabbed her backpack, planted a kiss on my cheek, and disappeared into her room. And it dawned on me all over again: the vast, vast, vast majority of things we worry about, the things we blame ourselves for, are just useless. Sometimes they're simply untrue. We do our best. Sometimes it goes well, sometimes not so well. But our kids can feel that we love them. And that's exactly the point. It's not about being perfect, or successful, or slim, or beautiful, or infallible. It's only about love, because love goes beyond all of it.