Anke Neckar's First Novel Is for Every Mom Who's Had Enough

Hi, friends! We share Anke Neckar's funny Reels from Lächeln und Winken ("Smile and Wave") all the time, because even at their lightest, they've always got some depth to them. Now the mom of two and author has written a novel FOR US. For all of us! In Mama reicht´s (roughly, "Mom's Had Enough"), you will ALL see yourselves. Promise! She takes our mom life apart with absolutely surgical precision. Here's how it came about…

Dear Anke, we know you as an honest and, above all, funny video content creator. Now you're becoming a novelist. How did that happen? 

Oh boy, there's actually a story behind that. I'll try to keep it short, which, as everyone knows, is not my strong suit 😉 So: A very, very, veeery long time ago, when I was about seven, I decided I was going to be a writer someday. In my early twenties I gave it a shot, and, surprise, surprise, it turned out this dream isn't all that easy to pull off.

I did publish a children's book and wrote my first novel, but… it all fizzled out. In 2015 I started the blog LÄCHELN UND WINKEN. Partly because I was dying to write even though I was on parental leave, and partly because I figured that if I could get the blog off the ground, publishers might take notice of me and I'd get the chance to write books that actually get found and read. It worked! It just took 10 years. But hey, everyone knows how patient Aries are. 😉

Anyway, in 2024 I got to publish my first nonfiction book: Mutterseelengemeinsam (roughly, "Mom Alone, Together"). And while I was still writing it, the publisher Lübbe called and asked whether I'd be up for writing a novel for women, for moms… basically, for trying my hand at real fiction. And even though I was a little overwhelmed at first, since I was in the middle of working on another book up to my neck, OF COURSE I was up for it!

What was the clincher that convinced the publisher of your idea?

If I'm being completely honest, the first meeting at the publishing house about this novel was the most grown-up, coolest meeting I've ever had, and honestly the one I was proudest of myself in. Like a lot of women, I really struggle to sell myself well and with confidence. In meetings like that, I usually hide my light under a bushel.

But something was different this time. The situation was different. I was different. So much so that I could practically feel my seven-year-old self sitting behind me, clapping with her mouth hanging open in amazement. Do you know what I mean? I had an idea, a concept for this novel, and I was so convinced of it that I managed to convince the two wonderful women from Lübbe who were in the room with me, too. I wanted two layers: a letter layer and a novel layer. And I wanted to weave in the stories of my community. They loved it. And I still love thinking back on that day!

You write about a mother who loses herself a little in all the functional stuff in her life. Do you know that feeling yourself? 

What mom doesn't?! I think even if you make a ton of resolutions, say, during your first pregnancy, about everything that's not going to happen to you as a mother, about how closely you'll watch that every to-do gets split 50/50 between both parents, how prominently you'll pencil in me time, and how hard you'll work to NOT lose yourself… the risk is still enormously high. Because of society, because of how we were raised, and also just because of the element of surprise.

Motherhood is so full of surprises on so many levels, and we simply don't see them coming. The emotional side alone is a total shock. I never in my life would have thought I'd be as attached to my kids in those first years as I was, just because my hormones basically pushed me into full-on mother-hen mode. For me personally, it took a long time to realize how much motherhood had changed me and what parts of me had gotten completely lost. And a lot of moms feel the same way.

I'm lucky enough to be connected with a great many women and moms, and a lot of them contributed their very personal stories to my novel, to the character of Julia. She's basically pieced together from individual facets of the women in my community. And I think that's why so many readers will be able to identify with her.

In your book “Mama reicht´s” you write about a husband who is sweet but doesn't think much of mental load. How does the main character try to get through to him?

It's actually not that he, Marcel, doesn't think much of it. He just doesn't see it. Or at least not to the extent that it weighs on Julia's shoulders. And I think that's true for a lot of men. They absolutely know their wives do a lot… but HOW MUCH, and what it costs the women, that they don't get. And that's exactly how it is for Marcel.

My main character, Julia, puts up with this for a long time. She doesn't ignore it, but she doesn't make a big deal of it either. Then something happens that opens her eyes. And her mouth. She starts having the conversations we should all be having, and maybe want to have, but maybe lack the courage or the words for. Suddenly Julia is having them. At the most impossible times. I think that gives the whole thing a really nice, chaotic energy. 😀

What solutions are there for women, moms, and partners who think: That's it, I've had enough?!

Ugh, tough question. I think the answer probably looks different from woman to woman. It also depends a bit on the whole situation: what her circle is like, how old the kids are, how much love for the partner is (still) there. At what point in her life does she realize: I've had enough!?

That said, I believe talking is always the best first move. Saying things out loud creates so much clarity. Maybe even with your best friend first, just to get it all into words. Or, if you can, with a therapist.

Couples therapy can be a great help, too, if your partner is on board. And if you're a little careful not to bring in someone who clings too much to patriarchal structures and ends up explaining to the woman in couples therapy that she shouldn't expect so much… I've heard it all. 😉

Did the plot change while you were writing because the story took on a life of its own? 

The plot didn't really change, but the characters became more layered because of the letters in the book that Julia writes to herself, where she works through situations and issues that shaped her as a woman and a mother.

Which readers are you trying to reach with your new book, and who will see themselves in it? 

The novel is really for all the women and moms who know that motherhood is exhausting, a partnership is work, and even if I love all of it anyway, I want to be allowed to complain and wish for improvements. Beyond that, an incredible number of topics are woven in, all collected from my community. Miscarriage, struggling to get pregnant, friendships, the daycare years, switching schools, fear of the future, and drama with other moms, for example. I think a lot of women will see themselves in it.

This is your first work of fiction. What was different in the process compared to writing nonfiction? 

First I had to take the time to create the character of Julia… to build an imaginary friend, basically, whom I then accompanied through her story. Honestly, I didn't find that easy at all, because I'm used to writing about myself and my own thoughts.

Of course, despite my best efforts, Julia has some of my traits. But she also has traits of lots of other women who sent me ideas. The same goes for the whole story. It's not a fantasy novel in that sense, it's a very authentic one. It's just not based on my life, but on the lives of lots of women and moms. I truly love everything about it.

You address things that many women will recognize. What would have to change in society to make things better for moms?

We'd finally have to give mothers the importance they deserve. From the very beginning we hear: Having kids and raising them is the most normal thing in the world for women. And what that really means is: It has no special value. And that's exactly what you see and experience as a woman with kids.

What we do 24/7 isn't important, we're not supposed to talk about it so much, we're supposed to just get on with it, and on top of that work a REAL job, because otherwise we can already see poverty in old age coming and we're practically useless to society.

BUT: We hold the future by the hand; we raise it, we shape it. How can THAT not be relevant? It's FUCKING relevant. For all of us. If people finally started rethinking this, that would at least be a foundation we could build on.