“Unteachable” at 8: A Gifted Boy, His Meltdowns, and a Fresh Start

Friends, it's so important to hear from the people who love the child that outsiders have labeled especially difficult, unteachable, or even a “Systemsprenger” (literally “system buster,” the German label for a kid no program seems able to handle). Here's the story of one family who, in the end, got a happy ending.

Your oldest is almost 11. At 8, his school declared him “unteachable” and sent him home to homeschool. What led up to that?

It was a very long road, and a painful one, for our son and for us as a family. Since preschool, he had adapted to school like crazy. His natural behavior often rubbed people the wrong way, so he tried to stay as under the radar as possible. To his teachers, that made him a quiet, easy kid. At home, it was a completely different story: he had major meltdowns on a regular basis and was often very unhappy.

We brought these problems up again and again with the pediatrician and at parent-teacher conferences, but nobody took us seriously. Because he was so well-behaved at school, people didn't believe us and were more inclined to tell us we were overwhelmed. So I educated myself with books, the internet, and podcasts, and I found a way to support him well at home. No professional help, just mom gut instinct.

At the start of third grade, his behavior changed at school too. Suddenly we were getting regular messages that he was misbehaving. He often had no idea what he had done wrong. After a few months, he was being sent home more and more often.

At the same time, we were trying to get a psychological evaluation, which was very difficult. It was only through the canton's child guidance service (a regional counseling office) that we got an appointment with a child psychologist relatively quickly. She confirmed many of our observations. The school would have preferred an ADHD diagnosis, but that didn't pan out. An autism specialist was also brought in, because our son shows traits that fall on the borderline of the spectrum, though they're very common in kids with an unusually high IQ.

Even so, the school was barely willing to make any adjustments. A classroom aide was turned down several times. Instead, they often sat him alone in a side room so he could work there. For him, that meant social isolation, and it made him feel even more “different.” Over time, he figured out that he got sent home when he disrupted class. Out of desperation, he started doing it on purpose, because he could hardly stand the school day anymore.

Right before Christmas, his teacher called me and said they had no strength left and couldn't put up with him anymore. They ended up sending him off early for the break. After the break, it took just one day for the school to announce that he could no longer be taught there and had to be excused from class.

It was a huge shock, including logistically, because I was working. Ironically, we were now even assigned a support worker, who didn't help him at all but only prepared weekly homeschool plans.

What exactly did the school give as the reason he couldn't be taught?

In the end, he refused to take part in class at all. Sometimes he lay on the floor, stared at the ceiling, crawled around the room, or talked in baby talk. He was simply completely overwhelmed and no longer knew what was even expected of him. At the same time, he had of course learned that he got to go home if he disrupted class enough. So his behavior was partly an attempt to escape a situation that was unbearable for him.

Can your son understand the decision? And can you?

My son couldn't understand it at all. He saw the whole situation as his fault. He even told a friend that he had a disability and had to go to a special-needs school because of it.

Later he told me that his teacher had threatened him, saying that otherwise he'd have to go to a special-needs school far away or to a group home. So for him it was clear: something was fundamentally wrong with him.

I can understand that, in the end, his behavior was hard on the school. What I can't understand is how little they tried to help him. If he'd had a classic learning disability, he probably would have gotten support. But because he understood the material with no problem, the school saw no need to act. They simply expected him to pull himself together and “behave.”

You say that at 9, he was already showing signs of depression. What did that look like?

He'd had big self-doubts early on, but during this period it became extreme. He cried very often, every single night, slept badly, and kept wishing he were just “normal” or on another planet where there were people like him.

What was especially hard for me was seeing him start to change at home, too. He used to live out his fantasy world there, telling stories and playing out loud. Suddenly he stopped and withdrew more and more. He read a lot, spent a lot of time in bed, and barely enjoyed the things that used to make him happy.

Once, in tears, he said he thought he'd been born with a “brain defect” and that he wasn't someone people could like. He was just nine years old.

You then found a new school for your “system buster.” How did that come about?

We ended up moving more than 375 miles (over 600 kilometers) and found a new school in my home region. It uses mixed-age classrooms, small groups, and individual learning plans. Right from our first conversation, we felt taken seriously. The principal didn't make a big deal of his behavior and met him without judgment. For me, that was a huge difference.

On his very first day, he got a classroom aide. After just a few hours, the school told me they could hardly make sense of the reports from the old school. The child they were seeing didn't match those reports at all.

For our son, it was a complete fresh start. Suddenly he was coming home from school happy and looking forward to class in the morning. The school even suggested later that he stay an extra year in elementary school to build up his confidence and get well prepared for middle school. We saw that decision as a gift, and it did him so much good.

The way they work there is so wonderful and individualized that I could go on and on. Above all, they meet every child where they are, without judgment and without drama, and accept the kids as they are.

Does he still have fears because of these experiences?

For quite a while, he had very strong separation anxiety. He was terrified of being taken away from us, because he'd been threatened with a group home or a faraway school. That made him panic if he couldn't find me right away. It's gotten much better since then, though. He goes to the library or to chess lessons on his own again, and he can even stay home alone for short stretches.

Do the people around you take your worries seriously?

These days, I only tell the whole story to a few carefully chosen people. There's often a lack of understanding. Many people believe a kid just has to “get through it.” I hardly talk about giftedness anymore either. It's a very misunderstood topic. Many people react with bafflement or immediately start comparing their own kids. But a very high IQ doesn't automatically mean advantages. It can bring just as many challenges as a deficit.

You have two other children. How are they dealing with the situation?

For our middle son, things were hard at times, because he took a lot of his big brother's frustration. On top of that, he's very outgoing and makes friends quickly wherever he goes, which is something his brother often wishes he could do.

So we deliberately started separating their activities more and giving each kid their own space. That has helped a lot. Our youngest, our daughter, is rather quiet and adaptable. With her, we pay close attention to make sure she doesn't hold herself back too much.

How do you feel about the future?

Right now I'm feeling very hopeful again. Our son is finally allowed to be who he is, and he's experiencing school in a positive way again. At the same time, a certain wariness remains, because for so long we felt like nobody took our worries seriously. So as a precaution, we've connected with a family counseling service, and our son goes there regularly to talk.

What would you wish for yourself and your kids?

I wish our school system as a whole would become more sensitive to different kinds of kids. Every child learns differently, and we really need much more room for individual paths.

For our son, above all, I hope his transition to middle school goes well, and that he never again has to feel like there's something wrong with him. Right now he's doing really well, and I very much hope this path continues.