Dear ones, it is so good that we are now talking more about previously taboo topics such as the unfulfilled desire to have children, exchanging ideas and looking for allies. Verena Teke has dedicated an ROman to the topic in order to break down the speechlessness. „Under Different Circumstances“ is its title and its protagonist asks herself the question of all questions: And if I never get pregnant? Here she takes us into her very personal story.
In my early 20s, I went to the gynaecologist. My irregular periods and the pain that came with them were becoming increasingly troublesome. The pain often radiated from my lower abdomen to my back for several weeks. I couldn’t sleep at night because I didn’t know how to lie down.
During the examination, the doctor mentioned in passing that it would be difficult for me to get pregnant naturally. At the same time, she said almost encouragingly that the whole hormone balance could change again with pregnancy and that the problems I had now might disappear afterwards. It all sounded vague and very strange.
I left the practice with no solution to my current pain, but with the only hope that it would get better after pregnancy.
But what if I couldn’t have a baby?
A few more years passed before I found myself in the waiting room of a fertility clinic – the room was filled to capacity! And for the first time since my visit to the gynaecologist, I had the feeling that I wasn’t the only one with this problem!
The years before I had felt alone. Alone with the worry that I might never have a child, even though I wanted one. Alone with the feeling that something was wrong with me, that I wasn’t „functioning“ properly.
Wanting to have children: I’m not alone in this
As I now know, almost every tenth couple in Germany is unintentionally childless. And even though reproductive medicine is booming and the topic of the (unfulfilled) desire to have children is being discussed more and more, women and the problems caused by the treatments are still mostly unseen. Advice from the social environment such as: „You just need to relax! / Why don’t you go on holiday?“ give women the feeling that they are responsible.</p
Far too little is said about the physical and psychological stress that women often experience for years during fertility treatment – not to mention how much time and money this „journey“ takes up. Timetables, cycle monitoring, hormone injections and medication determine everyday life. Cycle after cycle, hope, joy and excitement alternate with disappointment and loss.
A constant up and down of emotions and the oppressive feeling that time is running against you. An immense pressure to succeed. The focus is on the goal – the journey there must be accepted. Women completely subordinate their own bodies – pain, side effects, fears and worries – to the goal of getting pregnant.</p
And what if the redemptive words „Hooray! You’re pregnant!“ never come?
An unfulfilled desire to have children is still a big taboo subject and can be very lonely. There is a lack of social visibility and awareness.
I didn’t dare to talk about my fear of not being able to have a child for a long time either.
„I often feel so alone with all this shit!“ says the protagonist of my novel „Unter anderen Umständen„, which was published this year by Kunstmann Verlag.
The story I tell is my desire to speak honestly and authentically about fertility treatments, to show the pain and still be humorous and comforting, to create an understanding for „other circumstances“.
But it is also an encouragement to all women to talk about their experiences. Motherhood doesn’t just begin with the birth of a child. What do we need to feel recognised for everything we do on the way to having a child? What social support do we need? Why is there less research in medical fields that exclusively affect women? What did you miss in your fertility treatment? What would you have wished for from your friends, your relatives, your partner?
So that women are visible – with and without children!
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Book: Under Different Circumstances
After a failed relationship, Hanna, in her mid-thirties, flees to Berlin. The signs are good for a new start. She meets Taner, who actually wants the same thing as her: a baby. But after two years, Hanna is still not pregnant.
Still optimistic at first, the couple seek help at a fertility clinic. But while everyone around them gets pregnant without any problems, Hanna gets caught up in the mills of reproductive medicine cycle after cycle. She is confronted with schedules, hormone injections and their impact on her body. Her relationship begins to fall apart and Hanna loses more and more courage and nerves, while she is supposed to do just one thing: stay relaxed.
Verena Teke tells the story of nine months of hope and fear, of shattered dreams and the harsh reality of an unfulfilled desire to have children, of other circumstances that are sad, painful, absurd and often funny at the same time.
Verena Teke, born in Stuttgart in 1985, studied theatre, film and television studies and German language and literature and worked in theatre. She lives with her family in Berlin.
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