Dear readers, there are so many issues that suddenly occupy our minds as midlife mums: What happens when the children are grown up? What’s going on with my period? Where does this overwhelming tiredness come from? What supplements might I need? How do I keep fit? And how do I deal with sudden feelings of insecurity, even though I’ve always been so self-assured? Our reader Katja gives us some insight into how she feels physically and emotionally.
Dear Katja, you’re right in the middle of midlife – how are you doing at the moment?
Good question! Actually, I’m fine. I’ve just become very pensive. Depending on the phase of my cycle, I feel extremely insecure. And I ask myself: is this down to my cycle, my hormones, my ‘mid’ age, or the general uncertainty in world politics? I’m generally finding it hard to make sense of my feelings at the moment.
At what point did you realise: Oops, something’s changing in my life as a midlife mum (and that might not feel all that great at first)?
There wasn’t a single moment. It was more of a gradual process. I felt that something changed once I turned 40. That’s my benchmark. There were lots of changes for me. I had my second child at 39, right in the middle of the pandemic. My work situation was difficult and challenging on several occasions… everything really came to a head.
And then there were the physical symptoms: extreme tiredness, heavy bleeding, exhaustion to the nth degree. And there was also this uncertainty and this tendency to question everything, which was very much present. Somehow I developed a new awareness that our time is finite. What can I still achieve? Should I start something new again? Or build up a second source of income?
Do you feel it’s down to your own age that things are changing right now – or is it also down to the age of the children, who are becoming more independent? Because the need for care is decreasing and you perhaps no longer feel so needed?
The kids are still young (4 and 8), and sure, they’re already becoming a bit more independent, but we’ve still got our work cut out for us 😉 And it’s fun. I try to enjoy the moments; I’m actually rather wistful and sad that time is passing so quickly.
As I said, it was only after I turned 40 that I really realised we only have a certain amount of time on this earth and that it will eventually come to an end. It sounds strange, but I simply never really thought about it that much before. It makes me sad, and of course I ask myself: What do I still want to do? What ‘legacy’ do I want to leave behind, what should my children say about me, and so on. Sometimes it stresses me out completely.
What steps are you taking to make a change: Do you go to the gynaecologist to have your hormone levels checked? Are you considering further training, thinking about changing jobs again – or your partner?
Everything! 😉
Regarding my body: Yes. Doctors. Because of my heavy periods and after trying so many things (hormones, naturopathy, homeopathic remedies, hormones, monk’s pepper, shepherd’s purse tea, etc.) – I recently decided to have an operation. A fibroid was removed from my uterus and I underwent endometrial ablation was performed.
This involves cauterising the lining of the uterus. This is supposed to mean that I will have very light or no periods at all, but that is not (yet) the case. My body probably needs to adjust again after the operation. I’m waiting to see. Unfortunately, there’s no improvement in sight as yet.
And yes, I realise I’m reading a lot about perimenopause at the moment, finding out more, ordering books; my Instagram feed is also suggesting quite a few things along those lines. I’m also taking supplements – recommended from all sorts of sources – because I suffer from such severe PMS/menstrual cycle disorders and heavy periods, including extreme exhaustion. None of this is normal.
But after seeing all my supplements piled up in the bathroom and kitchen, I thought to myself: That can’t be it! What does my body REALLY need? And then I read this fantastic little book by my friend Merle Zink, “Return to myself”.
So I went to see my GP with all my symptoms and we did a micronutrient analysis, including hormone levels. The result was: I have a severe iron deficiency. That explains a lot. The tiredness, the exhaustion, the drop in performance… I’m now taking an iron supplement; apart from that, I’m fine. I’m sorting out other things with my gynaecologist now.
And what about work or further training?
Right now, I’m in ‘I have to function and earn money’ mode rather than self-fulfilment mode. But I always keep it in the back of my mind. All the things I want to do! I know I want to do something that makes a difference! I want to create, make an impact, shape things – perhaps even ‘leave a legacy’. The first step would be to build up another source of income alongside my job. Maybe it’ll turn into something more?
At the moment I’m working in digital marketing & communications, and that’s fine. But I want to get out and about more, spend more time outdoors, be more active. I’m definitely thinking about doing an outdoor guide training course at some point. For adults, for children, for companies… I’m still struggling with it because I need the time and capacity for it. How am I supposed to manage that alongside my 30-hour-a-week job and all the other hassle? (Feel free to share tips, advice and good ideas in the comments;))
I’m just an Aquarius, I need variety… change… I’d also like to do more for the environment and marine conservation. I’ve already looked at all the programmes on the subject, but haven’t done anything yet. I have so many tabs open!! So many notes and links saved! Is that typical of midlife? I’m also really keen on nature in the form of botany, wild plants and mushrooms, including nutrition and cooking. So exploring the question: How can I find things in nature and cook healthy meals with them?
And how are things in your relationship?
Change partners? Haha, I’ve certainly had that thought several times. However, I don’t have time to worry about that right now. But seriously: we’re actually a very good team and share the same values and preferences – we really do go well together!!
Do you feel that men are similarly affected by this mid-life crisis?
No! Haha. Good question. In my circle, all the divorces are just starting. Is that a mid-life issue too? But my impression is that the trend is more that the women have pulled the ripcord, not the men. My husband pays even more attention to exercise and sport than before, and to the fact that he needs to do something for his body and his well-being. Perhaps that’s a sign too?
Yes, I do think that men struggle too, but it’s not quite as obvious, or rather, men just don’t talk about it as much. Let’s wait a few more years and see. Isn’t it more around the age of 50 for men? 😉
If you could beam yourself five years into the future: where would you like to be, how would you like to feel?
Lighter! Be more present with myself again! Feel more like ME. Sometimes I feel so detached from myself, really out of touch, looking at myself from the outside. At the moment I’m still very much in ‘function mode’, fulfilling my duties. There are things I don’t like, but I suppose certain things just have to be done. At nursery, with parents, at school, parties, obligations… That’s when I want to be freer. And to take on other projects alongside my job once I’ve got a bit more breathing space.
What else would you like to say to all the other women going through midlife?
You’re not alone! So many people feel the same way, and that’s actually good to know! And: talk about it, be open – why keep quiet? I sometimes get the feeling that many people don’t want to admit their struggles… yet having an honest chat about it does you so much good.
