We Do Too Much for Our Kids: Inke Hummel on Letting Them Try

Friends, we all want to get this right with our kids, but how? There's no magic formula (sorry!), and plenty of well-meant things aren't so great when we overdo them. Taking everything off their plates, for example, instead of trusting them to try. Kids need to be able to experience self-efficacy, that feeling of "I can make things happen," by doing things themselves now and then. That's why family expert Inke Hummel wrote her book Zu viel des Guten, zu wenig fürs Leben (roughly, "Too Much of a Good Thing, Too Little for Real Life").

The world your child is growing up in asks a lot of them, and that's exactly why they'll need more than ever: inner strength, social skills, and the feeling that they can handle things. So how can my child learn to deal with boredom creatively? How can they get through stress and crises? And how do they learn to use digital media responsibly?

Inke Hummel shows us how to have our kids' backs without overwhelming them, spoiling them, or "rescuing" them in every situation.

Inke, how can I give my child the strength to cope?

Coping strength is my favorite concept! I truly think it's the most important thing kids need from their parents: basic trust, so they feel safe enough to face challenges, plus self-efficacy, so they get better and better at managing those challenges on their own.

Kids build this coping strength when we show them, step by step, WHAT they can do and HOW to stay calm enough when something needs to get done: a fight, chaos, frustration, the uncomfortable feelings that come with boredom, a mishap, you name it.

Are there moments when we take our kids too seriously?

"Too seriously" isn't quite the right way to put it, honestly. You can hardly take a child too seriously. I'd say there are moments when we "elevate" our child, meaning we put them so far at the center that it isn't necessary and often isn't helpful, either. For example, when we try to head off their morning reluctance about preschool with a two-hour play session, and we lose touch with ourselves in the process, or we can't accept that they're simply a grumpy morning person and always will be.

What do you think of the saying: "We can't give too much love, but we can give too much attention"?

If I equate "attention" with "being present for your child," I'd say the saying is wrong. But it depends on what that presence looks like. Does it include something like "I encourage my child to solve a problem on their own, to really work through it"? Or is it more about "taking over, over-entertaining, smoothing things over"? If it's the latter, then the saying is right and important to me. Because with misplaced caretaking, it can actually happen that kids are almost lived for, rather than living their own lives.

How can I help my child become independent?

In occupational therapy there's a guiding principle, "helping people help themselves," and that's exactly what should drive parents, too: How can I tell my child and show my child how to meet a challenge on their own, better and better? At first they'll definitely still need me alongside them, and often to calm them down. But little by little, I should involve them more and more and also give them a nudge.

Say my elementary school kid has trouble packing their backpack in a sensible way. That won't change if I keep doing it for them. It changes when I show them how I organize things and hand them some tools to help.

You talk about "coping instead of soothing." Can you give us a concrete example?

This is about uncomfortable feelings, boredom for example. If I always jump in right away with 20 suggestions, take over and play entertainer, or just allow digital media on the spot, my child can't learn to deal with the feeling themselves or come up with creative ideas on their own.

If I show them instead that in those moments it's good to first do something different, as a kind of ritual, something that can get creativity going, they'll become more and more independent of me in that area. That can be movement, for instance, because movement calms and sharpens our perception system, and our brain basically resets and can carry on more constructively.

You say a child needs strong self-knowledge skills. Do you mean that I shouldn't always clean up their room, so they're not overwhelmed if they have to do it alone because their crush is coming over?

That example is certainly an important point, though I'd go for the middle path there: start by cleaning up together, bit by bit, when it's hard for them to do alone. In other words, help them help themselves, and then keep letting go more and more.

But those skills are about something different: I have them when I know how I tick, what I need, and, consciously or not, how to take care of myself so I get through life pretty well.

Here are a few examples. A shy child knows that it works best to arrive really early at an exciting event, so they meet all the people and stimulation gradually. Or they know that whistling a tune helps them with transitions. It can also mean that a wild child has learned to push their hands into their pockets when anger starts rising, so they don't knock over something or someone again.

So it's mostly about self-awareness and self-care. Small children obviously don't have those yet, but they absolutely should build them up little by little.

Would you go so far as to say teens should organize their internship themselves, call the company and so on, even if they might end up without an internship? So they learn?

That would be a smart goal, yes, but with one important caveat: I don't have to be tough on my child for them to learn to handle tough situations. So again, please help them help themselves. Parents can help teens who find making a call difficult with practicing and planning. And for those who aren't good at organizing (which can be due to the rewiring going on in the teenage brain during puberty), parents can offer structure by insisting that a plan gets made for what needs to be done, when, and how, so no deadlines are missed.

A kid gets to drill into the wall for the first time and the mirror actually stays up. Is that the kind of success that leads our kids to self-efficacy? Because the next time they move, they won't feel so helpless?

Absolutely. There was trust there: the child got to do it. There was probably support, too, because they were shown how to do it well. The parents didn't take over, they guided them into it. That's exactly what kids need, with anger, frustration, boredom, disappointment, or stress as well.

What would you like to leave our readers with, as a final thought?

I'd be glad if everyone reading along, whether feeling unsure or very sure about calling for things like a "smartphone ban," doesn't forget to look at what always matters just as much alongside any restrictions: the skills. Does a teen or child know how to avoid numbing themselves when they have uncomfortable feelings, and instead make good use of the engaging things on offer? Do they know for sure that they can always ask us for support and get it? Are we guiding them toward independence, self-reliance, and security?