When One Twin Finds Everything Easier Than the Other

Hi, friends! Carina has twins who look a lot alike but tick very differently and have different strengths. For the younger twin, that often means frustration…

Carina, you have 10-year-old twin boys – do you remember your very first thought when you found out you were having twins?

I thought it was fantastic, because I had always wished for twins. 

What were the two of them like as babies?

As babies, they were still pretty similar. Both were on the easy side. They've always been the same size, from birth until now, although the older one was always a little heavier. Both nursed well and slept relatively well (well, as well as babies sleep, anyway ;-)). They calmed each other down, and you could always see that having the other one there helped. Being a pair gave them a basic sense of security, I think.

What's the bond like between the brothers?

All the clichés come to mind: like fire and water, can't live with each other, can't live without each other. The boys can play together beautifully, but they fight regularly, too. And I mean they literally beat each other up. Their fights are very physical. When they were little, at least one of them always had bite marks from the other. I hope that changes as they get older…

You said the boys look alike but are quite different. Tell us where, exactly.

The twin who's older by two minutes can do pretty much everything better than his brother. Of course, that leads to rivalry and frustration for the younger one. You can't stop people from comparing them everywhere, and that's honestly a problem for the younger one. The older one is at the top of his class, good at several different sports, cheerful, and popular. He's always needed harmony and gives in quickly during an argument, or to avoid one.

The younger one needs a lot of autonomy. He always wants to feel like he's the one deciding. He's very gifted, too, but compared to his brother he's "worse" (a B student). He's not as good at sports as his brother, either, and he has very little frustration tolerance. He'd rather be the referee and call all the shots.

But when things don't go his way, he gets angry. I often understand it. That frustration just comes out of him constantly, because he always has the "better" brother right in front of him. So I'm really glad he's finally found a sport of his own that he does without his brother. He feels good there, and it's very important that nobody compares him to anyone. 

And the older one has an easier time making friends, too, right?

Yes, exactly. The older one finds it easier to fit in with groups, and he has lots of friends. The younger one has a much harder time and sometimes gets in his own way. He wants to be "cool" and "tough," but that pushes the other kids away. He clashes with people at school, too, and there's a lot of conflict with his classmates.

For example, the older one was invited to about 10 kids' birthday parties last year. The younger one was invited to just one. That breaks my heart. When we celebrate the twins' birthday, it's always hard, too. We invite almost the same kids every time for the younger one, but we hardly ever get invited back. It doesn't feel good.

What does it do to the brothers that one of them seems to be more "popular"?

It creates a dynamic where frustration is constantly simmering under the surface. And then it boils over at all the right or wrong moments. The older one isn't really aware of it, I think. But the younger one constantly needles him, and that quickly escalates into physical fights.

And what does it do to you?

I often don't know how to support one child when the other is right there. One-on-one time with each of the boys would be very important, but unfortunately we can't make it happen very often. They hardly want it anyway, because they're always afraid of "missing out."

As they get older, I'm moving more into the role of spectator. It's wonderful to watch them grow up, but you just wish both of them were happy. And watching one of them blow up over simmering jealousy is hard. I can't help him (we've done psychological evaluations, testing, and so on. It's a "social problem"). His brother is simply there, and the younger brother has to learn to find his own way. I hope things ease up when they switch to middle school. I'm really hoping for new friends for the younger one!

What do you wish for your sons?

That they both go their own way and realize what they have in each other. That they're a great team and can always rely on each other.