Separate beds, living together: One more snorer and I’ll kill him

Dear ones, it’s a phenomenon that hasn’t been talked about much in public so far, but if you ask around your circle of friends, it’s becoming more and more common as we get older: separate beds in shared flats. This means that the partners no longer share a double bed, but have their own rooms. This is the case for Verena and her husband. Here she explains why.

Dear Verena, you and your husband have had separate beds almost since the beginning of your relationship 15 years ago. Why?

I’m a police officer and used to work shifts. In the meantime – and three children later – I’ve ended up in office work for the police, but that’s how it was back then. My husband always snored terribly and when I had another sleepless night and the early shift was approaching, I had real thoughts of murder – I thought: if I press the pillow on his face now, he’ll never snore again… so the next day we had to talk urgently.

Ui, and how was that conversation then, what did you agree on?

He was terribly sorry, of course, and we agreed to sleep separately when I was on early shift, but in hindsight: we both never slept really well… he’s the owl and I’m the lark… I always woke up when he came to bed with me and sometimes I didn’t fall asleep… he, on the other hand, was always worried that he would start snoring again… so it wasn’t restful for either of us.

What happened next, off to the furniture store to furnish a new room?

So we moved out of the flat and into our own home, where we bought a good second bed for my husband’s room. Big enough for me to apply for asylum…

How did your husband furnish his own room?

He has his own men’s room under the roof where he can listen to music or play on the Xbox undisturbed.

And how do you sleep? Did you take the marital bed with you to the new house?

No, we bought me a new bed too. In 1.60 metres – so big enough for two if needed 😉.

How has the separate bedrooms and beds changed your relationship?

We both sleep better, are more rested and simply argue less as a result. The fact that we can simply retreat in the evening to be alone is also much easier.

We have realised together that we both like to be alone and enjoy not talking. And it’s different not talking on the couch next to each other or being alone and not talking. We both need exactly this feeling to sort ourselves out. It’s nice that both my husband and I not only recognise and accept the other’s need, but also need it ourselves.

Do you still sometimes write each other a message from your own beds in the evening?

Of course, we sometimes even talk on the phone again.

Do you have a proper date with someone: to your place or mine?

Nice idea, but no. Because of the location of the room, we only actually meet at my husband… 

Do you sometimes miss something anyway?

Clearly. Sometimes I miss chatting in the dark in the evening and just feeling him next to me.

How do you handle the nights on holiday?

It’s not always easy… we’re just not used to sleeping next to each other any more… but usually one of the children intervenes and wants to sleep with me anyway… come to think of it, it’s usually all three of them 😊 So my husband has his own room again and I sleep in the family bed with the kids… we’ll see how it turns out when the children are older…

How do outsiders react when they find out about your separate bedrooms?

Very incredulous. „Don’t you love each other anymore?“ is, I think, the most frequently asked question. And I always answer: „Yes, that’s exactly why we sleep apart. Because it’s good for us, because it’s healthier for us and because we argue a lot less, simply because we’re less stressed.

After your son, who is now 13, you had twins four years ago. How good have the nights been since then? 🙂 

There’s always one of the children in my bed, but that’s ok because there’s enough space… I’m very relaxed about it, at some point the bed will be mine again. But I’m currently enjoying having the little mice next to me…

Would you also encourage other couples to take this step of having separate bedrooms if space allows?

In any case. At the latest when the lack of sleep affects the relationship with your partner, you should think outside the „old ways“ and break new ground. Without this rumbling in my stomach (because he’s snoring again and won’t let me sleep), I can be much more relaxed about other things. I have a much more positive attitude towards my partner.

So just try out how good you feel when you’ve had a good night’s sleep and the positive effect it can have on your relationship😉