One More Snore, and I'll Kill Him: Why One Couple Sleeps Apart

Hi, friends. It's something people don't talk about much in public, but if you ask around among your friends, you'll hear about it more and more as everyone gets older: separate beds under one roof. That means the couple no longer shares a bed and each has their own room. That's how it is for Verena and her husband. Here she tells us why.

Dear Verena, you and your husband have had separate beds almost since the start of your relationship 15 years ago. Why?

I'm a police officer, and back then I worked shifts. These days, three kids later, I've landed in an office job with the police, but at the time that's how it was. My husband has always snored terribly, and after yet another sleepless night, with my early shift creeping closer, I had genuinely murderous thoughts. I thought, if I press this pillow over his face right now, he'll never snore again… So the next day we urgently had to talk.

Whoa. So how did that conversation go? What did you agree on?

He felt terrible, of course, and we agreed to sleep apart whenever I had an early shift. Looking back, though, neither of us ever really slept well… He's the night owl and I'm the early bird… I'd always wake up when he climbed into my bed, and sometimes I couldn't fall back asleep… He, on the other hand, was always worried he'd start snoring again… So it wasn't restful for either of us.

What happened next? Off to IKEA to furnish a new room?

Pretty much 😉 We moved out of our apartment into a house of our own, and there we bought a good second bed for my husband's room. It's big enough that I can ask for asylum once in a while…

How did your husband set up his own room?

He has his own man cave up under the roof, where he can listen to music or play Xbox in peace.

And how do you sleep? Did you bring your old bed with you to the new house?

No, we bought a new bed for me too. It's about 5 feet wide, so big enough for two if needed 😉.

How have the separate bedrooms and beds changed your relationship?

We both sleep better, we're more rested, and because of that we simply argue less. It's also so much easier to retreat in the evening and be alone for a while.

Together we figured out that we both like being alone sometimes and enjoy not talking. And it's different to sit next to each other on the couch not talking than to be by yourself not talking. We both need exactly that feeling to sort ourselves out. It's nice that my husband and I not only know and accept each other's need for that, but that we each need it ourselves, too.

Do you still text each other at night from your own beds?

Of course. Sometimes we even call each other one more time.

Do you actually set up a date, like, "Your place or mine?"

Cute idea, but no. Because of where the rooms are, we really only ever meet up at my husband's… 

Is there anything you still miss sometimes?

Sure. Sometimes I miss chatting in the dark in the evening and just feeling him next to me.

How do you handle nights on vacation?

It's not always easy… we're just not used to sleeping next to each other anymore… but most of the time one of the kids butts in anyway and wants to sleep with me… now that I think about it, it's usually all three 😊 So my husband gets his own room again, and I sleep in the family bed with the kids… we'll see how it goes when the kids are older…

How do people react when they find out you sleep in separate bedrooms?

With a lot of disbelief. "Don't you love each other anymore?" is probably the number one question. And I always answer, "Yes, that's exactly why we sleep apart. Because it's good for us, because it's healthier for us, and because we argue so much less, simply because we're less stressed."

After your son, who's 13 now, you had twins four years ago. How are the nights since then?! 🙂 

There's pretty much always one of the kids in my bed, but that's okay, because there's plenty of room… I'm very relaxed about it. At some point the bed will be all mine again. Right now I'm enjoying having my little munchkins next to me…

Would you encourage other couples to take the plunge with separate bedrooms, if space allows?

Absolutely. If sleep deprivation is starting to affect your relationship with your partner, at the very latest, it's time to step outside "the way it's always been done" and try something new. Without that grumbling feeling in my stomach (because he's snoring again and won't let me sleep), I can see everything else so much more calmly. I feel much more positive toward my partner.

So just try it and see how good it feels to be well rested, and what a positive effect that can have on your relationship 😉