Dear all, the children are grown up, your marriage is settled, your partner is happy just to spend the evenings on the sofa, and you’d like to get out and about again, have some new experiences, leave the years of looking after the children behind you, and enjoy life out there to the full once more. An affair was never an option for you, but then along comes someone who feels the same way, someone you can talk to and have adventures with. And then suddenly something happens that turns your previously orderly life upside down. That’s exactly what’s happening to our reader right now.
My dear, you are a man’s affair. Does he have a family of his own? And do you?
I’m in my late 40s and in my second marriage. We are a blended family and my children are 19 and 16. I’ve been having an affair for just over a year. He is twelve years younger and is also in a long-term relationship, though without children.
How long has this been going on between you and how did it start?
We were work colleagues and our shared lunch breaks eventually turned into conversations about family, relationships and everything under the sun. We were immediately on the same wavelength and share the same sense of humour. Of course, at the start I was also flattered that a younger man was interested in me. But age doesn’t matter anymore.
In a very clichéd way, we had our first kiss after the Christmas party and shortly afterwards we met for the first time in a hotel. I felt so alive, free and, above all, seen … not the mother, not the woman who’s always organising everything and keeping things running. Just me.
How often do you see each other, roughly? And how much do you text in between?
We meet up once or twice a week for about an hour to an hour and a half after work, and sometimes go to the cinema or a concert. Every now and then we go to a hotel. Officially, I’m staying with a friend, attending a seminar or something similar. And yes: I hate lying.
How does that affect you?
Since my children have grown up, the question of ‘who am I when I’m not a mum’ has come up more and more. I love being a mum, yet this question keeps cropping up more and more… and suddenly there’s the affair. My husband is happy just lying on the sofa in the evenings and working in the garden.
And me…? I want to go out in the evenings again, go to concerts and so on. Unfortunately, my husband isn’t really up for it, no matter how often I ask. We’re at slightly different stages in our marriage. He’s simply not been up for it in recent years, but my lover is. With him, I experience all of that and it does me so much good.
Have you been a different person since then? More balanced and happier – even within the family?
My feelings fluctuate between ‘happier’ and ‘frustrated’… sometimes I manage the balancing act between family and affair better. Sometimes I wish for a future with my lover, and then again I know that my husband is the person I want to grow old with.
Do you ever imagine what might happen if it came out?
If my husband were to find out about my affair, it would plunge us into a deep crisis; I’m well aware of that. It would be terrible for my children if the family were to break up, and yes, of course I worry about that; I always feel guilty.
You say you feel alive again; there’s so much lightness and a sense of ‘not having to function’ – could you describe that in more detail?
I hope to hold on to this zest for life and carefree attitude, and to rediscover myself in this new phase of life with grown-up children. Has my affair opened my eyes a little? Yes, definitely. How long our journey together will last…? I don’t know. His motto in life is: Live in the moment! And right now, that’s exactly what I’m trying to do. As well as I can, as a mother…
