Who Am I When I'm Not Mom? A Reader on Her Affair

Dear friends, the kids are grown, the marriage runs like a well-oiled machine, and your husband is perfectly happy spending his evenings on the couch. You, on the other hand, would love to get out there again, do something, leave the years of hands-on parenting behind, and soak up life out in the world. An affair was never on your radar. Then someone shows up who wants the same things, someone you can really talk to and do things with. And suddenly something happens that shakes up your nicely ordered life. That's exactly where one of our readers is right now.

Honey, you're having an affair with a man. Does he have a family of his own? Do you?

I'm in my late 40s and in my second marriage. We're a blended family, and my kids are 19 and 16. I've been having an affair for a little over a year. He's twelve years younger and also in a long-term relationship, but he doesn't have kids.

How long has this been going on, and how did it start?

We were coworkers, and at some point our lunch breaks together turned into conversations about family, relationships, and everything under the sun. We were on the same wavelength right away, and we have the same sense of humor. Of course, in the beginning it flattered me that a younger man was interested in me. But the age thing doesn't matter to me anymore.

It's a total cliché, but our first kiss came after the holiday party, and shortly after that we met at a hotel for the first time. I felt so alive, so free, and above all, seen. Not as the mom, not as the woman who organizes everything and keeps it all running. Just me.

About how often do you see each other? And how much do you text in between?

We see each other once or twice a week for about an hour to an hour and a half after work. Sometimes we go to a movie or a concert. Every now and then we go to a hotel. Officially, I'm at a friend's, at a workshop, or something like that. And yes: I hate lying.

What does this do to you?

Ever since my kids got older, the question has been coming up more and more: Who am I when I'm not Mom? I love being a mother, but the question keeps coming up anyway... and then suddenly there's the affair. My husband is content lying on the couch in the evenings and working in the yard.

And me...? I want to go out in the evenings again, go to concerts, and so on. Unfortunately my husband doesn't go along with it, no matter how often I ask. We're at slightly different points in our marriage. In the last few years he just hasn't been excited about that kind of thing anymore, but my affair partner is. With him I get to experience all of it, and it feels so good.

Are you a different person since then? More balanced and happier, including at home with your family?

My feelings swing between "happier" and "frustrated"... Sometimes I do a better job of balancing family and the affair. Sometimes I wish for a future with him, and then I know again that my husband is the person I want to grow old with.

Do you ever imagine what would happen if it came out?

If my husband found out about the affair, it would throw us into a deep crisis. I know that. It would be terrible for my kids if the family fell apart, and yes, of course I think about that. The guilty conscience is always there.

You say you feel alive again, with so much lightness and not having to “function.” Tell us more about that.

I want to hold on to this joy and this carefree feeling, and to rediscover myself in this new stage of life with grown kids. Has my affair opened my eyes a little? Yes, definitely. How much longer will we walk this road together...? I don't know. His life motto is: Live in the moment! And right now that's exactly what I'm trying to do. As well as a mom can, anyway...