When Good Enough Never Feels Good Enough: Perfectionist Kids

Hi friends, does your child put a lot of pressure on themselves and chase a certain kind of perfection? And do you wonder how we as parents can deal with it? Stefanie Rietzler and Fabian Grolimund, two of our favorite parenting authors, have written an encouraging story for perfectionistic kids and teens.

In their book Du schaffst das, Merle (“You Can Do This, Merle”), a young duck named Merle can hardly believe it: she actually passes the tough entrance exam and gets into the prestigious boarding school “Academia.” But the moment she's made that big leap, the real adventure begins. A new class, a mountain of material to learn, and what looks like an endless marathon of tests make Merle sweat.

As if that weren't enough, the young duck is fighting grade stress, test anxiety, and her own perfectionism. Her thoughts ride a roller coaster: “What if I get a bad grade?” “I can't do this!” “I'm so stupid! The others are so much better and smarter than me!” Luckily, Mom Duck and her kind teacher have her back. But their well-meant “You can do this, Merle!” only puts the young duck under even more pressure… So now what? We asked Stefanie and Fabian:

Stefanie, Fabian, how can I tell if my child might be chasing perfection?

Stefanie: Some kids set extremely high standards for themselves. They're only satisfied with themselves if their homework is flawless, if they get the top grade on a test, or if their drawing turns out exactly the way they pictured it. They quickly start doubting themselves. They say “I can't do this anyway!” or “I'm stupid!” or “I'm never going to get this!” whenever they can't do something right away, even though as a parent you know perfectly well that it isn't true. Mistakes are also very threatening for these kids. In despair, they tear up drawings, or erase entire assignments out of pure frustration.

Fabian: And their thoughts just keep spinning: “What if I did badly on the test? Everyone would be disappointed in me!” Guilt tags along everywhere: “I can't afford a break!” “I have to be better.” “If I slack off now, everything at school will go down the drain.” Some kids push themselves relentlessly, study a lot, and sometimes even give up their hobbies. Others go into avoidance mode instead. They stay away from any situation where they'll be judged on performance unless they're sure they can do the thing right away, or they give up at the first sign of difficulty.

How can I respond gently? Couldn't “You can do this!” put even more pressure on kids?

Stefanie: That line is often true, because most perfectionistic kids do well in school and don't actually have anything to worry about. But kids who are struggling with this feel differently, and they often react almost allergically to attempts at encouragement. Even Merle, our perfectionist duck, hears “You can do this” again and again, from her mother, from her friends, from her teacher.

In a quiet moment, Merle manages to confide her fears to her mother and says: “I don't know. But… whenever you say, ‘You can do this’ or ‘I'm sure you can do it,’ it somehow puts even more pressure on me. Because… it sounds like you can't even imagine that I might not manage something. And then I get scared that you'll be totally shocked and disappointed in me if it really doesn't work out one time. Like you'd have a different picture of me then.”

That's how it is for a lot of these kids. They feel obligated to succeed. Instead of “You've got this” slogans, they need the reassurance: “If it works out, we'll celebrate with you. If it doesn't, we'll be there for you. We love you, and no grade in the world can change that.”

Where does all that pressure come from in the first place, say when kids put it on themselves to always get good grades?

Fabian: There are different reasons. Some of it is inborn: certain kids come with a temperament and personality traits that make them more prone to perfectionism and performance anxiety. Research also shows that the home environment plays an important role. Some kids really do experience that the love and affection of their caregivers depends on how well they perform. Some kids are punished by having love withheld, with sulking, disappointment, put-downs, and coldness, when they don't live up to their parents' expectations.

But we've also had perfectionistic teens in counseling several times who mostly told us how thrilled their parents are, and how proud as can be, when they bring home great grades or win a competition. They often conclude from this that their parents would be just as disappointed if they failed. We then gave these teens the assignment of talking to their parents about that worry. Most of the time, they were surprised and very relieved by their parents' answers.

Stefanie: In other families, we often see parents who want to strengthen and support their kids but are very insecure themselves. These parents constantly doubt whether they're doing everything right, can hardly forgive themselves for mistakes, go back and forth wondering whether they reacted correctly here or there, give themselves few breaks, and push themselves to the point of exhaustion. Kids see that and think: “Sure, my parents tell me to believe in myself and that mistakes are part of life. But they don't actually believe that themselves. They're just saying it to calm me down.”

Kids then quickly pick up these perfectionistic tendencies, and the parent of the same sex in particular becomes the role model. In this case, it often helps to set out on the journey together with your child and be open about the fact that you, too, still have things to learn about how you treat yourself, how you handle mistakes, and how you deal with not being perfect.

Models like that within your own family are very powerful. They tell the child: “Oh, so there are ways to deal with these difficulties, and change is possible.” Some of the families who read an early version of our book for us, for example, told us that it was very healing to read it together with their child and reflect on it: “How is it for me? How is it for you? Which of these strategies do we want to try going forward?”

Fabian: A third link between family and perfectionism comes from very anxious, worried parents who give their child the message that the world is a dangerous place, that nothing in life is handed to you, that the future is under threat. In those homes, you often hear things like “If you keep this up, I don't know where you'll end up.” “What are we going to tell Grandma and Grandpa if you don't manage this?” “What will people think of us…?”

Sensitive kids then sometimes take on the job of sparing their parents worry by being agreeable and delivering outstanding results. Of course, that brings enormous pressure with it. Finally, there are a few kids for whom perfectionism is a survival strategy, a way to give as little as possible to criticize or punish in a home marked by violence, abuse, or neglect.

Stefanie: And of course school plays its part too, with its competition, its grades, and all the fuss around the switch after elementary school (in Germany, that's when kids get sorted into different school tracks). Teachers can ease performance pressure, but they can also make it worse. Perfectionism has been climbing across the whole culture for the past few decades.

That's linked, among other things, to the fact that online you can compare yourself with so many successful, beautiful people, and that self-improvement has almost turned into an obligation. We adults notice it too: how inferior you suddenly feel after spending a little too much time on social media.

How can I help my child understand that their worth doesn't depend on a grade?

Stefanie: As a parent, you really want your child not to tie their self-worth so tightly to outside evaluations. But we often overshoot the mark. Then we say: “It's just a grade!” “Why does this matter so much to you?” “You don't always have to be the best.”

But perfectionistic kids DO care about being good at something. They DO take the grade to heart. When they sense that they aren't accepted this way, they feel inadequate and rejected. Only when parents are willing to accept that performance matters to their child, maybe much more than it does to them, can they actually help.

Then you can patiently go looking for clues together: What does a grade mean to your child? What does she think could happen if she bombs a test? How did she come to that conclusion? How much power does she want to give a grade, or a single piece of feedback, over her and her life?

Fabian: We can't drill this insight into kids. They have to be allowed to discover it at their own pace. Along the way, though, parents and kids can also discover that high standards can be something valuable, as long as you set your own goals and can allow mistakes and learn from them. Many people who experience their work as a calling strive for excellence and aren't willing to settle for mediocrity.

How can I respond when my child keeps doubting herself and saying “I'm just too stupid!”?

Stefanie: Statements like these, “I'm so stupid!” or “I'll never get math anyway,” pop up right away when perfectionistic kids hit an obstacle. Behind them is a very unhelpful psychological effect: they see mistakes or failures as the result of their own lack of intelligence, talent, or ability as a person. A single bad grade makes them a total failure. Successes, on the other hand, get projected outward: the test was easy, the teacher was nice, they got lucky, or they just happened to study the right thing. That way, they can never clear away their self-doubt.

In the acute “I'm so stupid!” moment, a compassionate look, a hug, maybe a break often helps these kids more than counterarguments or a clever line. Here, too: yes, a different perspective would do your child good, but you can't force it overnight, or drill it in by listing everything your child is good at.

Fabian: That's why we chose a story that gives kids time and leads them very gently toward new, helpful ways of seeing things. For example, the realization that uncertainty and mistakes aren't a sign of stupidity but a sign of growth. In the novel, the violin teacher Nadim gets to the bottom of this with perfectionist Merle. He guides her to take a running leap into the mistake pond:

Nadim spreads his wings and murmurs: “If you want to become exceptional at something, you have to welcome the feeling of being overwhelmed on purpose, allow the uncertainty, and have trust.”

“Trust in what?” Merle wants to know.

“That you learn and grow exactly when things get difficult. Just let yourself fall into the mistake pond. You can float in it, relaxed. You don't have to force anything. Without your even noticing, your brain and your body will keep learning, discovering patterns, picking up on tiny differences, and making progress. You can trust that.”

How can we keep encouraging our kids even after supposed failures?

Stefanie: Maybe your child comes home without a top grade, disappointed and angry about this mistake or that one. As parents, we'd love to chase those uncomfortable feelings away as fast as possible: “But that's still good… and look, you solved these problems so well…”

For kids, it's often more relieving and strengthening to hear: “You're disappointed. That's allowed, and I trust you to find your way out of it. I'm here. And I'm not disappointed, not in the grade and definitely not in you.” That can look like sitting down on the couch with your child, offering a hug, and not saying much about the test at all.

Is it a good idea to bring teachers on board when we sense that the pressure to be perfect might be heading in a difficult direction?

Fabian: For most kids and teens, their perfectionism is something they feel ashamed of. Who wants to be seen as “weak” or “needing help” when the image they show the world matters so much to them? So we'd advise against going to the teacher over your child's head. It's better to talk with your child first about which situations at school put them under particular pressure, and whether there are things the teacher could change. Then you can go to the parent-teacher conference with very concrete requests or suggestions.

Stefanie: Often it's the small things that make a difference for these kids. For example, the teacher could quietly guide the child to take a few deliberate belly breaths and then reread the problem calmly if she's obviously frozen on a test. Or you can let the teacher know how much your child suffers when she's called up in front of the class and quizzed. When you're dealing with the school, though, you have to look at what helps your child individually and what might put even more pressure on her.

How can we, as parents, calm ourselves down in all of this?

Fabian: In our experience, it's very rarely the case that parents take perfectionism TOO seriously. Especially when kids and teens get good results, it's easy to say: “Yes, he/she often stresses out about school, but the grades are good.” The result is that very few perfectionistic students, or students with test anxiety, ever get help.

Most of them carry their fears and insecurities with them into adulthood, even though psychotherapy or learning coaching could often bring a lot of relief. That's why we argue for taking perfectionism seriously and responding to it, instead of reassuring yourself that your child is still “functioning” when it comes to performance. Our book is meant to be a door-opener for conversations, to create more understanding, and to show some first ways out of the perfectionism trap.