Do you perhaps also have a child who puts a lot of pressure on themselves and emulates a certain form of perfectionism? And are you perhaps also wondering how we as parents can deal with this? Stefanie Rietzler and Fabian Grolimund, who are among our favourite authors when it comes to parenting, have written an encouraging story for perfectionist children and teenagers.
You can do it, Merle is about a young duck called Merle who can’t believe it: She actually passes the difficult entrance exam and manages to transfer to the prestigious boarding school „Academia“. But as soon as she has mastered this big step, the adventure really begins: the new class, a mountain of learning material and a seemingly endless test marathon make Merle break out in a sweat.
As if all that wasn’t enough, the young duck is battling grade stress, exam nerves and her own perfectionism. Her thoughts are on a rollercoaster: „What if I get a bad grade?“, „I can’t do it!“, „I’m so stupid! The others are much better and smarter than me!“ Fortunately, Mum Duck and the nice teacher have her back. But their well-meaning „You can do it, Merle!“ only puts the young duck under even more pressure… And now? We asked Stafnie and Fabian about it:
Dear ones, how can I recognise that my child might be emulating perfection?
Stefanie: Some children have extremely high expectations of themselves. They are only satisfied with themselves if they manage to complete their homework without mistakes, get top marks in an exam or their picture turns out exactly how they want it. They are quick to doubt themselves, saying „I can’t do it anyway!“, „I’m stupid!“ or „I can’t do it!“ if they can’t do something straight away – even though as a parent you know that this is not true. Mistakes are also very threatening for such children: they tear up pictures out of desperation and erase entire tasks out of sheer frustration.
Fabian: And the carousel of thoughts is constantly spinning: „What if I did badly in the exam? Everyone would be disappointed in me!“ A guilty conscience becomes a constant companion: „I can’t afford a break!“, „I have to be better.“, „If I slack off now, everything will go down the drain at school.“ Some children then push themselves relentlessly, study hard and sometimes even give up their hobbies. Others tend to go into avoidance mode. They stay away from performance situations if they are not sure that they can do the activity straight away – or give up at the first difficulty.
How can I respond gently? A „You can do it!“ can put children under even more pressure in case of doubt?
Stefanie: The sentence is often true, because the majority of perfectionist children do well at school and shouldn’t really have to worry. But affected children feel differently and are often allergic to such attempts at encouragement. Even the perfectionist duck Merle hears „You can do it“ again and again – from her mum, from her friends, from her teacher.
In a quiet moment, Merle manages to confide in her mum about her fears and says: „I don’t know either. But … whenever you say: ‚You can do it‘ or ‚You can definitely do it‘, it somehow puts me under even more pressure. Because … it sounds like you can’t even imagine that I can’t do something. And then I get scared that you’ll be totally shocked and disappointed in me if it really doesn’t work out. It’s as if you’ll have a different image of me.“
This is how many affected children feel. They feel obliged to succeed and need reassurance instead of „You can do it“ slogans: „If it works, then we’ll be happy for you. If it doesn’t work out, we’ll be there for you. We love you and no grade in the world can change that.“
Where does the excessive pressure that children put on themselves come from when they always want to get good grades, for example?
Fabian: There are various reasons for this. Some things are innate: certain children have a temperament and personality traits that make them more prone to perfectionism and performance anxiety. Research also shows that the parental home plays an important role. For example, some children actually experience that the love and affection of their carers depends on how good they are. Some children are punished with withdrawal of love – with sulking, disappointment, devaluation and coldness – if they do not live up to their parents‘ expectations.
However, we have also had a number of perfectionist young people in our counselling sessions who talk about how happy and proud their parents are when they get great grades or win a competition. They often deduce from this that their parents would be disappointed if they failed. We then gave the young people the task of talking to their parents about this concern. In most cases, they were surprised and very relieved by their parents‘ answers.
Stefanie: In other families, we often see parents who want to strengthen and support their children but are very insecure themselves: These parents constantly doubt whether they are doing everything right, can barely forgive themselves for mistakes, brood back and forth about whether they have reacted correctly here and there, allow themselves few breaks and push themselves to the point of exhaustion. Children see this and think: „Yes, my parents tell me that I should believe in myself and that mistakes are part of life. But they don’t actually believe that themselves. They only say that to reassure me.“
Children then quickly copy these perfectionist tendencies, with the same-sex parent in particular becoming a role model. In this case, it is often helpful to set out on a journey together with the child and show them that they can still learn how to deal with themselves, with mistakes and with being imperfect.
Such models in your own family are very effective. They convey to the child: „Aha, there are ways to deal with these difficulties and changes are possible.“ Some test-reading families have told us, for example, that it was very beneficial for them to read the book together with their child and reflect on it: „What’s it like for me? What is it like for you? Which of these strategies do we want to try out in the future?“
Fabian: A third link between family and perfectionism is created by very anxious and worried parents who teach their child that the world is a dangerous place, that nothing is given to you in life and that the future is threatened. They often say things like „If you carry on like this, I can’t see the future.“, „What will we tell grandad and grandma if you don’t make it?“, „What will we be like…?“
Sensitive children sometimes take on the task of sparing their parents worries by conforming and excelling. Of course, this puts a lot of pressure on them. Finally, there are a few children for whom perfectionism is a survival strategy to minimise their vulnerability in a home that is characterised by violence, abuse or neglect.
Stefanie: And of course, school also plays its part with its competitive pressure, grades and the fuss surrounding the transition. Teachers can reduce the pressure to perform, but they can also increase it. In society as a whole, perfectionism has steadily increased in recent decades.
This is partly linked to the fact that we can compare ourselves online with so many successful and beautiful people and that self-optimisation has almost mutated into a duty. Even we adults realise how inferior we suddenly feel when we spend a little more time on social media.
How can I make my child realise that their value doesn’t depend on a grade?
Stefanie: As a parent, you actually want your child’s self-worth to be less dependent on external judgements. But you often overshoot the mark. Then you say: „It’s just a grade!“, „Why is it so important to you?“, „You don’t always have to be the best.“
Perfectionist children, however, IS important to be good at something, they TAKE the grade to heart. If they realise that they are not accepted in this way, they feel inadequate and rejected. Only when parents are prepared to accept that their child’s performance is important, perhaps much more important than their own, can they help them effectively.
Then you can really start to patiently search for clues: What does a grade mean to the child? What do they think might happen if they fail a test? How did they come to this conclusion? What power do they want to give a grade or individual feedback about themselves and their life?
Fabian: We can’t instil this knowledge in children – they have to be allowed to discover it at their own pace. However, parents and children can also discover that high expectations can be a valuable thing if you set your own goals and allow yourself to make mistakes and learn from them. Many people who experience their profession as a calling have a focus on excellence and are not prepared to settle for mediocrity.
How can I react as a parent when my child keeps doubting themselves and saying „I’m just too stupid!“?Stefanie: Sentences like this – „I’m so stupid!“, „I can’t do maths anyway“ – come up immediately when perfectionist children hit a hurdle. There is a very unfavourable psychological effect behind this: they see mistakes or failures as a consequence of their lack of intelligence, talent or inability as a person. A single bad mark makes them a total failure. Successes, on the other hand, are projected outwards: the exam was easy, the teacher was nice, they were lucky or just happened to have learnt the right thing. However, they can never dispel their self-doubt in this way.
In the acute „I’m so stupid!“ situation, a sympathetic look, a hug, maybe even a break, often helps the affected children more than counter-arguments or a clever saying. The same applies here: yes, the child would benefit from a different perspective, but it can’t be forced on them overnight or instilled with counterarguments about what the child is good at.Fabian: That’s why we chose a story that gives children time and gently introduces them to new, helpful perspectives. For example, the realisation that uncertainty and mistakes are not a sign of stupidity, but a sign of further development. In the novel, violin teacher Nadim gets to the bottom of this aspect together with perfectionist Merle. He guides her to take a running jump into the pond of mistakes:Nadim spreads his wings and murmurs: „If you want to become exceptional at something, you have to consciously welcome the feeling of being overwhelmed, allow uncertainty and have confidence.“
„Trust in what?“ Merle wants to know.
„That you will learn and develop when things get difficult. Just let yourself fall into the pond of mistakes. You can relax and float in it, you don’t have to force anything. Your brain and body will learn completely unnoticed, discover patterns, recognise small differences and make progress. You can trust that.“
How can we encourage our children even after perceived failures?
Stefanie: Maybe the child doesn’t come home with a top grade, is disappointed and is annoyed about this or that mistake. As parents, we would like to dispel these unpleasant feelings as quickly as possible: „But that’s still good … and look, you did a great job on the assignments…“
It is often more relieving and empowering for children if you tell them: „You’re disappointed, that’s okay and I trust you to find your way out of it. I am here for you. And I’m not disappointed – not with the grade and certainly not with you.“ You could do this by sitting on the sofa with your child, offering them a hug and not saying much about the exam,
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Is it advisable to get teachers on board if we realise that things might be going in a difficult direction with the pressure to be perfect?
Fabian: For most children and young people, perfectionism is a shameful topic. Who wants to be perceived as „weak“ or „in need of help“ when their outward image is so important to them? We would therefore advise against approaching the teacher over the child’s head. It’s better to talk to them first about which situations at school put them under particular pressure and whether there are aspects that the teacher could change. Then you can go into the consultation with very specific requests or suggestions.
Stefanie: It’s often the little things that make a difference for the children concerned. For example, the teacher unobtrusively guiding the child to take a few conscious breaths into their stomach and then to read the task again in peace if they seem to be blocked in a test. Or that you report back to the teacher how much the child suffers when they are called in front of the class and quizzed. When dealing with the school, however, you have to look individually at what benefits the child and what may put them under even more pressure.How can we reassure ourselves as parents in all this?
Fabian: In our experience, it’s rarely a case of parents taking perfectionism TOO seriously. Especially when children and young people achieve good results, they quickly say: „Yes, he/she is often stressed about school, but the grades are good.“ As a result, very few perfectionist or exam-anxious pupils receive help.
Most of them carry their fears and insecurities with them into adulthood, even though psychotherapy or learning coaching could often provide a lot of relief. This is why we advocate taking perfectionism seriously and reacting to it instead of reassuring yourself that the child is „still functioning“ at the performance level. Our book aims to be a door opener for conversations, provide more understanding and show the first ways out of the perfectionism trap.
