Angry Kid, Angry Mom? Everyday Tips From an Occupational Therapist

Hey there, parents, you've almost certainly dealt with anger along the way. Maybe your kid was the angry one, or maybe it was you, because something just didn't go the way you pictured it. We keep hearing from parents who are pushed to their limits by their kids' meltdowns, and unfortunately the whole family's daily life suffers too.

Melanie Wunderling is a pediatric occupational therapist. She runs two occupational therapy practices in Magdeburg, Germany, and with
@ergoling she also runs the largest German-language occupational therapy account on Instagram. Now she's written a book. In „Starke Gefühle in der Familie sicher begleiten – Selbstregulation für Kinder und Eltern“ (roughly, “Safely Supporting Big Feelings in the Family: Self-Regulation for Kids and Parents”), she explains how the nervous system shapes our emotional experience and why big feelings so often have a biological basis. One chapter is devoted to neurodivergence and the particular needs of kids with ADHD, autism, and high sensitivity. We asked Melanie a few important questions:

My three-year-old sometimes gets angry seemingly out of nowhere, and sometimes I get totally angry myself. Why is that?

I know that feeling, both as an occupational therapist and as a mom. Preschool-age kids have a nervous system that still has a lot of learning to do. The part of the brain that can put the brakes on impulses isn't fully developed yet. And “out of nowhere” almost never really happens. Usually there's hunger, tiredness, or a feeling of not being heard behind it.

I've worked with hundreds of families in my practice, and I see this again and again: a child's anger is almost always a signal, not an attack. And by the way, it's completely human that you slip into anger yourself sometimes. It often has to do with how close your own cup is to overflowing. I know that all too well from my own everyday life as a mom.

Do you have a tip for how parents can catch their own anger as it rises?

First: get to know your body before the anger breaks out. For me, it's my jaw that gets tight. For other people it's the shoulders or the breathing. If you can recognize that, you still have a brief moment to change course. Three deliberate breaths sound like very little, but they really do interrupt the stress cycle in your body. What helps much more in the long run, though, is understanding what's actually being triggered. Because often it has nothing to do with what your child is doing right now. That's a lesson that keeps catching up with me personally, too.

In your experience, where are the biggest stress traps in family life?

Transitions. In the morning, after preschool, in the evening. Basically any time kids need the most and parents have the least to give. I see that in almost every family in my practice. Then there's all the invisible stuff running in your head that nobody sees. And on top of that, there's the comparison to picture-perfect families online, a game you can't win. I catch myself doing that too, and I have to work at not falling into it.

Do you have a simple tip for how to avoid these traps?

I actually developed a method that helps you understand what exactly is going on. It's called the ANKER method (“anchor” in German). It's a quick check that I use myself every day, before a situation escalates. At its core, it's about pausing for a moment and asking: What does my child really need right now? And just as important: How am I doing right now? Because if I'm already at my limit and the afternoon is just starting, my threshold for reacting is completely different. The method gives parents a compass for exactly those stormy moments, without needing to be a therapist.

One chapter in your book is called “Anger as a Boundary Signal.” What do you mean by that?

Anger isn't a flaw. It's information. It says: this is too much, a boundary has been crossed. That goes for kids just as much as for adults.

As an occupational therapist, I've learned to always read behavior as communication, and anger is one of the loudest signals there is. In the book, I show how families can learn together to decode these signals. Not with the next technique that fizzles out after three days, but with a real understanding of what's behind the anger. That's the approach that truly holds up in my practice.

Why does sibling fighting trigger so many parents so intensely?

Because it pulls us straight back into our own childhood. Even if you don't have siblings yourself, you know this feeling: fighting, unfairness, feeling like nobody's listening. That runs deep. And when your own kids fight, those old feelings come up in a flash, often without us noticing. On top of that comes a quiet self-judgment that many parents know: Am I doing something wrong if my kids fight like this? That question in the background makes your reaction much more intense than the situation actually calls for. And it always happens when you're already barely coming up for air. That's no coincidence, it's just everyday life with kids.

Why is it important for kids to learn that all feelings are allowed?

Because feelings don't disappear when we push them down. They just go somewhere else. I see this regularly in my work as an occupational therapist: kids who have learned to hide certain feelings eventually show it through their bodies, through their behavior, or through a deep uncertainty about what's going on inside them. When we show them that anger is okay, that sadness is okay, that fear is okay, we give them something that carries them their whole lives. The ability to know themselves. For me, that's the common thread running through the whole book.