I Thought I Was a Natural. Then Came My Second Baby

Hi, you guys! We recently shared a piece from Barbara in which an author apologized for how smug she'd been with her first child. With her second, she realized that things going so smoothly hadn't been all her doing. A lot of it was simply her kid's temperament… Jenny got in touch with us after that, because the same thing happened to her. Her daughter Hannah is 13 now and her son Johnny is 8, so they're a bit older. In this interview, she takes us back to her first years as a mom. 

Jenny, when you had your first child, did you actually think, "Wow, I've totally got this"?

I wouldn't put it that way. But my daughter Hannah was born and she was an easy baby right away. The birth was relaxed and beautiful, and from the very first moment Hannah was calm and sweet. She cried relatively little, slept a lot, and always fed well. Once we got home from the hospital, I had an insane amount of time, simply because she was sleeping all the time.

I had time to read and work out, and when we eventually started a PEKiP class (a popular baby play group for moms and babies in Germany), my hair was always done. The other moms there seemed so stressed, frantic, and exhausted by comparison. I felt sorry for them when they told me about their sleepless nights. But secretly, I sometimes thought: Maybe their babies are so restless because they give off such restless energy themselves.

Somebody once told me, "Relaxed moms, relaxed kids." And I always thought: That's exactly it!

Did you ever catch yourself thinking you knew better than everyone else? Did it confirm your own approach to being a mom?

I was never a know-it-all, and I never thought of myself as a supermom either. But I did believe that was exactly the secret. I thought maybe the other moms were overthinking things, swapping too much information about parenting books, pediatricians, and recipes. And I thought it was precisely my attitude of not taking all of that so seriously that had made Hannah such a relaxed baby. 

How do you look back on that time today?

I love looking back on it, because it was just a really, really lovely time. I just know now that it was mostly because of Hannah, and not because of me…

Because then you had a second child who set you straight? Who made you suddenly realize, "Whoa, maybe this is more about personality than parenting skill"?

Even while I was pregnant with Johnny, I could tell something was different. He moved around a lot and was restless even in my belly. When I held him for the first time, I was smitten, because he was just so cute. But even that first look he gave me told me: Wow, this is a whole different ball game. And that's still true today.

Johnny was awake a lot from the beginning, and he needed a lot of movement and attention. And all of a sudden, at PEKiP, I was one of the moms with the greasy hair and the dark circles under her eyes. I realized I have absolutely no say in what kind of baby I get.

How would you apologize to the people you felt superior to during that first year with your first child?

I've already done that more than once with the women I'm still friends with today. They all know that Johnny taught me a lesson, and we can laugh about it together to this day.

How would you describe your two kids' personalities?

They're like yin and yang. Hannah is still on the reserved side, but she's very good at keeping herself busy. She draws and reads a lot, does well in school, and works hard. Johnny is the opposite in every way. Wherever he is, there's a whole herd of kids around him. He's athletic and funny, and if there's a birthday party anywhere, Johnny's invited. School, on the other hand, doesn't interest him at all, unfortunately.

Even though your second child challenges you so much, you'd still do anything for him, right?

Of course. I love Johnny more than anything. But it never stops amazing me how the same amount of love can feel so different for two kids. Simply because the kids are so different.

You probably wouldn't want to write a parenting advice book anymore, right?

I never even read one, so why would I write one?! 😉 But seriously, my experience is that parenting accounts for only a fraction of the kind of people kids grow up to be. Most of what they'll need, their toolkit and their character, they bring with them from day one.

Isn't it funny to realize that you often have to go through things yourself before you can really put yourself in other people's shoes?

Absolutely!

Is there anything else you'd like to tell other moms?

After two kids who grew up with the same parents in the same environment and turned into completely different people, I really believe our influence on our kids is very limited. But that also means we can all relax a little more. Because if our influence is limited anyway, we don't have to keep blaming ourselves when they don't turn out quite the way we, or Grandma, or their teacher would have liked.