My Friend Keeps Score. Should I Walk Away After 8 Years?

Friends, friendships change. Often they get deeper and more honest, but sometimes a strange aftertaste creeps in. That's what's happening with Pia, who feels stuck right now:

“My name is Pia, and this is about a friend I've known for eight years. Our sons are both 10. They became friends at daycare, and that's how we became friends, too. We've spent a ton of time together – at playgrounds, at the gym, but also without the kids.

“This past year, though, something crept in that I tried to ignore for a long time. I feel like we're constantly competing. Or rather, that she compares everything. Our boys both play tennis, and I keep noticing that she's in a better mood when her son plays well and mine plays worse. I see the exact same thing with grades. When my son does better on a test, she gets really snippy.

Can this friendship still be saved?

“When it comes to work, she's always pointing out how swamped she is, how stressful everything is, and how lucky we are because we have a cleaning lady and a grandma in town. She says she has to handle everything alone, her husband travels so much, and mine is home way more.

“A few weeks ago we went out for drinks one evening, and I asked her if she was at her limit and/or unhappy, and how I could help. She got really snappy. Everything was great, everything was just fantastic, she had no idea what I was talking about.

“Ever since, the mood has been weird, and I can feel how much it stresses me out. I'm honestly nervous to say anything when something nice or good happens for us, because I assume she'll just tear it down again. I ask her lots of questions and try to figure out why she acts this way, but I can't make sense of her…

“I have to say, though, that this friendship is doing me less and less good. I don't want to compare myself, I don't see any competition between us, but she does, and it makes me sad. So now I'm wondering: Do you know those friendships that only seem to work when one of you always feels better than the other? When one of you keeps making the other feel small? What would you do in my place?”