Dear readers, we are always extremely happy when we learn something new and receive valuable input through guest posts. We feel the same way about the following text. What wonderful insights that not only relieve parents of the pressure of having to make their children happy 24 hours a day, but also show us what we should be looking for together with our children instead in order to lead a fulfilled life. You were already so enthusiastic about the text Mein Kind ist ein Träumer: Wie das mit der Schule und das Lernen trotzdem klappen kann by authors Stefanie Rietzler and Fabian Grolimund. Here is their new piece for more warmth around the heart:
Am I responsible for my children’s happiness? Since we have been focusing more on the topic of happiness in our work and wrote the book „Jaron auf den Spuren des Glücks„, we have been asked this question surprisingly often by parents. It’s as if children’s happiness is just another item on a parent’s long to-do list. Of course, we all want our children to be happy – but do we really have to feel responsible for it?
Now-I-have-made-such-an-effort-and-it’s-not-right-again!
If you enter „family“ in a Google image search, you get a flavour of what the media understand by family today: Father, mother, daughter and son running across the field smiling blissfully, hand in hand in the golden glow of the setting sun, enjoying a lavish picnic in the park on the sparkling blanket, lying beaming and tightly embraced on the couch or the carpet in the tidy flat.
The modern family is active, adventurous and experiences harmonious moments of happiness together.
This begins, of course, with a hearty breakfast, where the children enthusiastically eat the healthiest things, while the attractive parents naturally have time to chat animatedly (enter „family breakfast“ in the image search here)
As ridiculous as these images are and as much as we realise how unrealistic these depictions are: They do influence us.
They get it into our heads that children are always happy if their parents do well enough.
And because we all want to do well, we go the extra mile for our children: we think up the perfect programme for the children’s birthday party, order the right decorations weeks in advance or make them ourselves, plan exciting excursions and read blogs to find out how to make healthy food appealing to children (vegetable faces and the like send their regards!). Always hoping for enthusiastic offspring and wonderful family moments.
However, when there are so many expectations and so much has been prepared, disappointment is often not far away. The children whinge at the zoo because they want an ice cream instead of looking at the animals. The daughter is so stressed out by all the hustle and bustle and the noise at the children’s birthday party that there are tears and the younger sibling has a tantrum because she got a smaller present than the birthday child. The oh-so-healthy vegetable faces are eyed with curiosity, but in the end they are eaten by mum. And once again, the Christmas celebrations that had taken days to prepare were not as peaceful and harmonious as we had imagined.We feel hurt and angry: now we’ve put in so much effort and it’s not right again! How ungrateful and spoilt children are today! We would have appreciated it so much more in the past…
Welcome to the hedonistic hamster wheel!
A study by psychology professor Shigehiro Oishi from the University of Virginia shows that most people in Germany believe that a happy life is primarily characterised by pleasure, joy, stability and comfort. To get closer to this, we plan the next great holiday, strive for another career step, try to earn more money so that we can afford a bigger house or a second car.
It is therefore not surprising that we also often focus on this when it comes to our children’s happiness, wanting to make them smile with great leisure activities or make them happy with new toys.
Many of us realise that none of this leads to long-term satisfaction, but at best to a short-term feeling of elation. But when we ask ourselves what really makes us and our children happy, many of us feel a little helpless – in the sense of: „I know that constant entertainment, consumerism and a career don’t make us happy – but then what does?“
Where is happiness hiding?
Research into life satisfaction and positive psychology shows that happiness doesn’t come loud, colourful and expensive, but rather quietly.
It creeps into our lives when we pursue work that interests us and benefits others together with people we like.
It stalks us when we are wasteful with our seemingly scarce time and give it to people who are important to us.
It comes out of hiding when we know what we like to do, are good at and forget about time.
It joins us when we consciously enjoy ourselves, immerse ourselves in an exciting book, listen to a piece of music, take a hot bath, switch on all our senses while eating or marvel at nature.
It stays with us a little longer when we realise what we have, what we are grateful for, what went well today and what we are looking forward to.
It finds a place in our lives when we think beyond ourselves, support others, commit ourselves to a good cause and experience meaning as a result.
It finds its way back to us when we can allow unpleasant feelings and have people around us in difficult moments with whom we can share them.
How we find out what makes us happy together with our children
In the book „Jaron on the trail of happiness“, the young fox Jaron sets off in search of happiness together with his friends, the dreamy rabbit girl Lotte, the cosy bear Frieda and the somewhat timid but loyal duck Merle.
He doesn’t do this entirely voluntarily: his strict teacher, Mrs Lynx, put him in a girls‘ group for the term project because the cool boys didn’t want him there.
„Who else is taking the fox?“ shouts Mrs Luchs and looks at one group after another: „Merle, Frieda, Lotte – there are only three of you?“
„Please not to the girls, please not to the girls,“ begs Jaron in his thoughts, drumming his paws against his thighs.
„Can’t we please, please work in threes, Mrs Lynx?“ quacks duck Merle.
But Mrs Lynx remains firm. „I said: groups of four! Jaron is coming to you.“
The group of girls groans and Jaron rolls his eyes. „She can’t do that!“ he thinks and sighs.
When Lotte finally suggests happiness as a topic, Jaron knows that he could do with a bit more of it, but is sceptical as to whether it can be found.
After some initial difficulties, a beautiful friendship develops between the animal children, in which Jaron finds himself more and more and develops the courage to go his own way. During their adventure, the children discover various lessons in happiness, which they record in their explorer’s journal. These encourage readers to go on their own search for clues and find out what is good for them.
Jaron soon faces new adversities, however. His father, the mayor, views the changes Jaron is undergoing with suspicion. He forbids him from seeing the three girls any more and grounds him for his rebelliousness. He is certain that his son simply doesn’t know what is good for him.
Jaron, on the other hand, suffers more and more from not being able to fulfil his father’s expectations:
„You know, Dad,“ says Jaron. „I didn’t want to cause you any trouble.“ Nervously, he takes his paws off the piano and kneads them. „I know you’d rather have a son like David: a sports ace you can be proud of at the game and not be ashamed of because he misses the penalty. Or someone like Vinnie, who has bite and can assert himself, as you always say. I’ve really tried, but I’m not like that. I can’t get you to be happy with me.“
Jaron’s father listens without saying a word. He plays a few notes, suddenly stops and says, without looking at Jaron: „It’s bad when you feel that you’re never enough and that you have to be different. I never wanted to pass that on to you.“
Then Jaron begins to sob so hard that his whole body shakes. His father puts his arm around his shoulder and hugs him. Jaron buries his snout in his dad’s fur and cries until there are no more tears left.
After a long struggle and some dramatic events, Jaron and his father find each other and the mayor is better able to accept his son for who he is:
In addition to the lessons that invite children to reflect together, there are also specific happiness exercises: For example, the „what went well“ exercise or the kindness exercise, which studies have shown to be effective in promoting life satisfaction and well-being in the long term:
Are we now responsible for the happiness of our children?
Every mum and dad must answer this question for themselves. We personally believe that we as parents cannot „make“ our children happy. But we can work together with our children to find out what is good for them and us and what contributes to a happy life. In doing so, we lay the foundation for our children’s ability to take care of their own well-being later on, instead of chasing after the wrong things.
The authors: Fabian Grolimund and Stefanie Rietzler are psychologists and jointly run the Academy for Learning Coaching. They are the authors of several bestsellers, including „Lotte, are you dreaming again?“ and „Safe, courageous, free – how children find inner strength„. More about her work: www.mit-kindern-lernen.ch
