I Got Pregnant During an Affair. I Chose a Secret Abortion.

Dear readers, after ten years without sex in her marriage, Vivien gave in to a coworker's advances. A fiery affair began, but eventually she got pregnant and felt she couldn't have the baby. She chose to have an abortion in secret. The price she paid for cheating was too high, she says today. She is still with her husband.

Dear Vivien, five years ago you suddenly missed your period, and a test confirmed you were pregnant, but that wasn't supposed to happen…

Right, I cheated… and here's how it happened: After our son was born, my husband and I stopped having sex. Neither of us was interested. There was too much stress, the baby, buying a house, then bankruptcy, and somehow the spark was gone. We'd also been together 15 years.

For me, the desire came back after two years, but my husband didn't want to. I felt like he only saw me as a mom and a housewife. He also thought I'd gotten too heavy, even though I was still at a normal weight. He often turned his head to look at younger women, and he'd always found women over 30 unattractive.

Absolutely nothing was happening anymore except cuddling and little kisses. I talked to him many times. I looked up couples therapists and booked appointments. I bought books on the subject. I even suggested an open relationship. Nothing could convince him. He wanted me all to himself, but he never actually "made use" of me.

What happened next?

After 10 years without sex, I responded to the pass a coworker made at me and started an affair with him, and of course I fell in love. We planned a future together, couldn't stand a single day without each other, saw each other every day, and had the best sex I'd ever had. I felt like a woman again. For the first time, I had orgasms. I felt intellectually drawn to him, too. We laughed a lot together and enjoyed our affair. At first.

It was the same story at his house: years without sex. We really wanted to be together and leave our spouses, but we both felt we couldn't, because of our kids.

Then things suddenly got dicey…

Right, because then I suddenly got pregnant. Neither of us had expected that. He was barely fertile (he and his wife had needed IVF back then), and he was well over 50, a smoker, and obese, and I was in my early 40s. It was a total shock. We'd already had this affair for two years and still couldn't manage to leave our partners.

There were plenty of excuses: He was financially dependent on his wife, I was on my husband, he kept battling depression and low energy and didn't think he could take that step, and, like I said, we also cited our own kids, and I was still attached to my husband. By then he had nothing but contempt for his wife.

And just like that, there I was, pregnant. I have to say, I'd always wanted a second child, but my husband had always fought it.

You couldn't claim at home that the baby was your husband's, since you two weren't having sex at all anymore. What panicked thoughts went through your head, and did you tell him about the pregnancy?

No. I think the breach of trust would have been too big, and it really would only have eased my conscience, but he would never have been able to trust a woman again. But I've gone through a possible conversation about it in my head many times. Today I think he suspects a little, and doesn't want to admit it.

I actually thought about leaving and raising the baby on my own. I couldn't count on my coworker. That became clear quickly. I talked to my mother and my closest friends. They all said I couldn't do that to my own son. In the end, I had the abortion for him. That was also the last thing I said as they wheeled me into the operating room. That I was doing it for him.

What an impossible spot to be in, especially since part of you had always wanted a second child. Was it clear to you right away that you'd end the pregnancy?

 Yes, actually. The same day I found out, I went to the OB-GYN and looked up a counseling center. In Germany, you have to get a certificate from a counseling center before an abortion, and the one I chose was run by a church. Unfortunately, that was a mistake. They never said it outright, but I felt judged. I work in counseling myself, so I know you don't pile blame on a woman who's already in crisis.

How were you feeling?

I told myself I was doing it out of love for my son and our family. Sometimes today I also think: "Yes, I was the bad guy and I cheated on my husband, and this is the sacrifice I had to make." And now and then angry thoughts still come up toward my husband, that he has no idea what I went through for him and our family. But it's not his fault, and thankfully those thoughts are happening less and less.

How long did you have to wait for the procedure? How did you experience that time?

It was a terrible time. I had to wait until I was 11 weeks along. There are few options for finding a doctor who still performs abortions. They're often harassed right outside their practice by abortion opponents, or they end up in court. The one I finally found went on vacation first, and he also said he had to wait until he could hear a heartbeat. Supposedly that's required.

I would have preferred to have the abortion at six weeks. Then we even flew somewhere sunny as a family. It was already booked. That was so hard for me. Waiting so many weeks. I think you could even see a little belly, and for the first time I was struggling with pregnancy symptoms. I could feel the baby, too, and it got harder and harder for me to keep pretending.

What reason did you give at home for the clinic visit?

It was an outpatient procedure. My son was at school, and my affair partner came with me. 

You asked for an ultrasound picture to take with you… what does it mean to you?

After the procedure, I ran back for it. That picture means a lot to me. It's proof that I had a tiny life inside me, one that I killed. My affair partner and I have a place we share, where we lay flowers and keep a candle. I'm the mother of two children, not one. I know that in my heart.

How did you experience the procedure itself?

Right up until the anesthesia, I was wondering whether I should just walk out. There were young women lying all around me. I think there were eight girls having the procedure. I was the oldest. Some of them were whimpering. So was I.

Afterward, I read about what happens to the fetus, looked at pictures of how far along my baby had been, and unfortunately also read two books by abortion opponents. Because of that, I struggled for a year. I kept crying in secret, gave the baby a name, and went to three appointments at a women's counseling center.

Do you still sometimes think about what would have happened if…

Yes, very often. But I can't undo the decision. Today I'm financially independent and I would have kept the baby. Sometimes I even think my husband would have stayed with me anyway.

You've become godparents, you often have kids around you, and you're still together. How did you manage that, and are you happy with it?

Yes, I'm happy again, and still there's a black spot in my heart. I often look at kids and think, that's how old mine would be now. But I've made peace with it too.
I ended the affair and consciously chose my husband, even without sex. In every other way he's the perfect man for me, and we're slowly finding our way back to each other sexually, too. Back then, I often asked myself who I wanted sitting next to me in the future, when I'm old and gray. It was always my husband, not the affair.

What are you looking forward to in the coming years?

Honestly, my family and the goals we still have. I never want to have another affair, but I could forgive it if my husband had one. It was exciting at first and in the end only exhausting, and the price my little one and I had to pay was too high.