Dear ones, after ten sexless years in her marriage, Vivien accepted the advances of a colleague. A fiery affair began, but at some point she became pregnant and was unable to have the child. She decided to have an abortion in secret. The price she had to pay for her cheating was too high – she says today. She is still with her husband.
Dear Vivien, five years ago you suddenly missed your period, a test confirmed that you were pregnant, but it wasn’t meant to be…
No, that’s right, I cheated… and that’s how it happened: After the birth of our son, my husband and I stopped having sex. We both had no interest – too much stress, the child, buying a house, then bankruptcy, somehow the air was out. We had also been together for 15 years.
But my desire came back after two years, only my husband didn’t want to. I had the feeling that he only saw me as a mum and housewife. I had also become too fat for him, although I was still at a normal weight. He often looked for younger women and had always found women over 30 unattractive.
There was just absolutely nothing going on apart from cuddles and kisses. I spoke to him a lot. I looked for couples therapists and made appointments, bought books on the subject and even suggested an open relationship. Nothing could convince him. He wanted me for himself, but didn’t „make use“ of it.
What happened next?
After 10 years without sex, I responded to a colleague’s advances and started an affair with him and, of course, fell in love. We planned a future, couldn’t go a day without each other, saw each other every day and had the best sex I’d ever had. I felt like a woman again. I had orgasms for the first time. Intellectually, I felt very attracted to him. We also laughed a lot together and enjoyed our affair. In the beginning.
He had the same problem at home with not having sex for years and we actually wanted to spend the future together and separate from our spouses, but we both felt we couldn’t do it because of our children.
Then things suddenly got dicey…
Exactly, because then I suddenly got pregnant. Neither of us would have thought that, as he was barely able to conceive (his wife and he needed artificial insemination at the time) and he was already well over 50, a smoker and obese and I was in my early 40s. It was a total shock. We’d been having this affair for two years and still hadn’t managed to separate from our partners.
There were lots of reasons: He was financially dependent on his wife, I was dependent on my husband, he also suffered from depression and listlessness time and again and didn’t have the confidence to take the step, as I said before: we also cited our own children as a reason and I was still attached to my husband. He only spoke disparagingly about his wife.
And suddenly I was pregnant. I have to say, I had always wanted a second child, but my husband had always resisted it.
Now you couldn’t claim at home that the child was your husband’s because you were no longer having sex. What panicked thoughts went through your head and: Did you tell him about the pregnancy?
No, I think the betrayal of trust would have been too great and it would only have eased my conscience in the end, but he would never have been able to trust a woman again. But I often went through a possible conversation about it in my mind. Today I think he also suspects something and doesn’t want to admit it.
I actually considered separating and bringing up the child in my belly on my own. I couldn’t rely on my colleague. That quickly crystallised. I spoke to my mum and my closest friends. They all said I couldn’t do that to my biological son. In the end, I had an abortion for him. That was also the last thing I said when I was wheeled into the operating theatre. That I was doing it for him.
What a dilemma, especially as the desire for a second child was somehow flickering through your heart anyway. Did you realise straight away that you would terminate the pregnancy?
Yes, I actually went to the gynaecologist the day I found out and looked for a counselling centre. It was a church counselling centre from which I was supposed to get the certificate for the abortion. Unfortunately, that was a mistake. There were indirect accusations. As I work in counselling myself, I know that you shouldn’t reproach a woman in such an emergency situation.
How did you feel?
I told myself I was doing it out of love for my son and our family. But sometimes today I also think: „Yes, I was the bad guy and cheated on my husband and that’s the sacrifice I had to make“. And from time to time, angry thoughts come up towards my husband that he doesn’t even know what I’ve gone through for him and our family. But it’s not his fault and luckily these thoughts are becoming less frequent.
How long did you have to wait until the procedure How did you experience this time
?
It was a very bad time. I had to wait until the 11th week. There are few opportunities to find a doctor who still performs abortions. They are often attacked by anti-abortion activists right outside the practice or have to stand trial. The one I found went on holiday first and also said he had to wait until he heard heartbeats. That would probably be mandatory.
I would have liked to have had an abortion at 6 weeks. Then we even flew to the sun as a family. It was already booked. That was so bad for me. Waiting so many weeks. I think you could also see a mini tummy and I was struggling with signs of pregnancy for the first time. I could feel the baby too and it was getting worse and worse for me to fake it.
What did you say at home as the reason for your visit to the clinic?
It was an outpatient procedure. My child was at school and the affair accompanied me.
You had another ultrasound… what did that mean to you?
I ran back again after the procedure. This picture means a lot to me. It’s proof that I had a little life inside me, which I killed. The affair and I also have a place together where we put flowers and a candle. I am the mother of two children, not one. I know that in my heart.
How did you experience the procedure yourself?
Photo: pixabay
Until just before the anaesthetic, I thought about just walking out. There were young women lying everywhere next to me. I think there were eight girls who also underwent the procedure. I was the oldest. Some of them were whimpering. Me too.
Afterwards, I read about what happened to the foetus, looked at pictures of how developed my child was and unfortunately also read two books by anti-abortion activists. As a result, I struggled with it for a year. I kept crying in secret, gave the child a name and went to three appointments at a counselling centre for women.
Do you still sometimes think about what if….
Yes, very often. But I can’t undo the decision. Today, I’m financially independent and would have kept the child. Sometimes I even think that my husband would have stayed with me anyway.
You have taken on sponsorships, often have children around you and are still together, how did you manage that, are you happy with it?
Photo: pixabay
Yes, I’m happy again, but there’s still a black spot in my heart. I often look at children and say: That’s how old mine would be now. But I’ve also made peace with it.
I ended the affair and made a conscious decision in favour of my husband – even without sex. Otherwise, he is the perfect man for me and we are now getting closer again sexually. At the time, I often thought about who I would like to have sitting next to me in the future when I’m old and grey. It was always my husband and not the affair.
What are you looking forward to for the next few years?
Actually, my family and the goals we still have. I never want to have another affair, but I could forgive it if my husband had one. It was exciting at first and just gruelling in the end and the price me and the little worm had to pay was too high.
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