Two Dads and a Daughter: How We Became a Family Through Surrogacy

Hi friends, when we first heard the story of Alessandro, his husband, and their little daughter Sofia, we immediately wanted to know more. How did they meet? When did the wish for a child come up? And how did you finally decide on the path you took?

We know that surrogacy is viewed critically by many people, and we'd still ask you to give this one family's story an open-minded chance. For everyone involved, it has so clearly meant the greatest happiness…

Dear Alessandro, to start off, tell us who's in your family.

We're a small but very happy family. In our family there's a Papi (that's my husband), a Papá (that's me), a beautiful daughter named Sofia, and of course our little dog, Max.

How did you two meet and fall in love, and was it clear from the beginning that you both wanted a child?

I met my partner ten years ago on vacation. It was pretty funny, because we were each there with a group. Fabian was there for his sister's wedding, and I was there with friends. We first saw each other on the beach. I was 31, and I was instantly fascinated by his beautiful blue eyes. We started chatting right away, in English at first, since I didn't speak any German yet. I'm from Italy. And well, because of him I've now been in Germany for nine years.

You moved in with him?

 Not right away. At first we went back and forth between Cologne, where Fabian lived, and Florence, where I lived. A classic long-distance relationship. I'm originally from Modena, a small city in northern Italy, where Ferrari, balsamic vinegar, and tortellini come from 😉 I moved to Florence from there and lived there for twelve years. After I met Fabian, I was in Cologne every other weekend. After a year of long distance, though, I decided to take a sabbatical from my job to see how it would work if we lived together in the same apartment for half a year.

And?

Well, what can I say? It worked out amazingly well! Family and kids also came up as a topic for us almost right away. The only downside I felt back then as a gay man was, basically, not being able to become a father. I love kids, and for me, family also means a life with children. So we started pretty quickly researching all kinds of different options.  

How did you actually go about becoming parents?

Before we got really concrete about planning for a child, it still took a while. We started talking about it seriously in 2015. We thought about adoption, but after a second conversation we ruled it out. We would have been pretty far back in a long line of waiting couples, and it might never have worked out. Statistically, there are 20 hopeful parents waiting for every child.

What happened next?

Eventually foster care came up too. In the end, we decided against that as well. Mainly because of the emotional bond you build over the years, only to possibly have to give the child back to their birth family.  That just wasn't an option we could imagine. You give so much love, you build such a deep connection, and then you'd have to let go. Phew.

Later, surrogacy took a lot out of us. We invested an incredible amount of time in it, because even though there are a lot of different options, there were also ethical questions hanging over it for us. Could we justify it? If we went with surrogacy, it was important to us that she not be genetically involved. That is, that she wouldn't be carrying her own biological child, but a child with other genetic roots.  And we actually managed to make that happen.

What does that mean, exactly?

It means there's one woman who donates the egg and another woman who carries the baby as the surrogate but isn't related to the child by blood. So there's no genetic connection.

How did you pull that off?

We did it in Canada, with the help of a clinic in San Diego, California. The woman who donated the egg is from California, and the surrogate is from Canada. Why Canada? Canada is one of the few countries that allows only altruistic surrogacy (editor's note: that means the woman isn't paid to carry the child, but is only reimbursed for the expenses that come up). There are only three countries in the world where this is the only option allowed. For that reason and a few others, we decided to go with Canada.

The country has had many years of experience with surrogacy, and since 2004 there's been a legally secure path thanks to the Assisted Human Reproduction Act. So women who want to help couples have a child out of altruism can do it legally, and it's totally accepted by society. To make sure women aren't doing it just for the money, they receive no financial compensation.

That impressed us. We didn't want to support an exploitative system of commercial surrogacy. We wanted to be completely sure the woman was doing it of her own free will. The costs that do come up are prenatal vitamins, medications needed during the procedure and the pregnancy, maternity clothes, and travel to doctor's appointments.

That appealed to us a lot, and so did the idea that, using a sperm donation from one of us, we could have a biological child this way. It does create an emotional connection when you see something of yourself in your own child, in their face or in the way they behave. So in the end, we decided on this path.

How did this path actually work?

On the road to our much-wanted child, we got a lot of support from a friend of ours who works for a clinic in San Diego. He helped us connect with an agency in Canada, so we'd have a chance to meet a surrogate. We didn't choose the surrogate. It was exactly the other way around. She found our profile and wanted to get to know us.

What was it like getting to know her?

Our first meeting was over Skype, and for us it was love right away. We're still in touch with “Laura” today. She's become a real friend. We don't call her a surrogate, because she's become so much more to us.

Will you tell your child about it?

Of course. We want to be completely open with our daughter. That matters a lot to us. She knows “Laura,” and we Skype every two weeks. Laura has a son of her own, who's eight years old.

Did you meet the surrogate in person? What was that first meeting like?

We know “Laura's” whole family, because before our daughter Sofia was born, we visited her whole family and her friends in Canada and got to know them.  We got there four weeks before the birth and stayed until four weeks after.

What was that like?

It was wonderful to see how open and tolerant Canadian culture is, and that the family was doing well. We saw that “Laura” had a job, a great apartment, a beautiful car, that her father runs a business, that her friends are wonderful people, and that they weren't struggling or anything like that. In other words, they didn't need money. They simply wanted to help.

Wow!

Yes! On top of that, “Laura” had wanted a child for a long time before she got pregnant, and she enjoyed her pregnancy with her son so much that she wanted to experience it again. She just had such beautiful memories of it. She wanted to pass on a piece of her happiness and help a couple like us have our dream of a child of our own, so she signed up with the agency. The important part: the woman picks the couple she can imagine becoming a surrogate for. So in the end she chose us, not the other way around, because she found our story so compelling. For her it also only came into question if our child wouldn't be her genetic daughter.

And that's exactly how it went?

Yes, exactly like that. “Laura” always stressed how beautiful it would be to see Sofia growing up in our family with so much love. That made her super happy, and it still does today. She also had no problem handing Sofia over after the birth, because from the start of the pregnancy it was clear that she was carrying our baby and that the baby would grow up with us.

How did you decide who would be the biological father?

It wasn't important to us who the father would be genetically. All that mattered to us was starting a family. From the first moment Sofia was in the world, she was our daughter. There's no biological connection that could make a difference for us. That's why, when people ask about fatherhood, we always just say: She's our daughter. What matters isn't the genetic side, it's our love and the way we raise her that shape her. 

What went through your head when the pregnancy test came back positive? How did you react?

When we got the news that our friend was pregnant? It was WOW, like fireworks in my stomach. It's something you could never really picture, and then it actually happens, and you know that in nine months a child is going to turn your life completely upside down. It was beautiful for us.

Were you pregnant right along with her for nine months?

We were definitely pregnant along with her. I gained 26 pounds! 😉 It's a sympathy pregnancy. We Skyped with “Laura” every week and stayed in close touch. Later we flew out there, and it was so wonderful to touch that belly and feel that heartbeat. We were part of all the checkups. She “took us along” over Skype. That way we could always see how our sweet little angel was developing. In the end, it was wonderful to be there for the birth, too. It was probably the fastest birth anyone could ever experience. I think it was 26 minutes. And then Sofia was here.

Tell us about that first moment….

First, she was placed in my arms.  I held her for two and a half hours, gave her her first bottle, and just looking at this tiny person eye to eye…. For me, it was simply the most beautiful and emotional moment of my life. The most powerful thing I've ever experienced.

What were the first weeks like? Euphoric? Completely wiped out? Emotionally overwhelming? Baby blues?

We stayed another four weeks in Canada and we were very, very happy. Tired, too. Sofia woke up every hour and a half. But whenever the little one made even a sound, or when you caught a glance from her, all the tiredness was forgotten.

Today the three of you are happy together. Would you do it all the same way again?

Today there are three of us, and I can tell you, I'd do it a billion times over. Because it was a miracle, a beautiful journey. What a baby brings with her as a new member of the family is indescribable. And the kind of love you develop is indescribable too. It can't be compared to anything, not to a relationship, not to the love you feel for your own parents or for your friends.

It's just so different, so much deeper. You have this huge responsibility, which also puts a little pressure on you, because of course you always have some fears that something could happen. Her health, the environment, and now COVID….

What has changed?

This big love changes you, too, a lot. The two of us have become much calmer. We think together about how best to handle her, how we can raise her. We read a lot about it. But at the same time we try to stay a little crazy, too, and to be playful with her, to sing together, to play the piano. We're definitely a very musical family, and Sofia loves music too. We're always happy when we get to sing and play piano together. Having a child was simply exactly the right decision for us.

This all sounds almost too good to be true.

Oh, come on. Of course having a child isn't always easy and lovely. Sometimes it's hard and problematic. But if you get through those problems and difficulties together as a family, with everyone sharing the same goal, which is to stay together, talk about problems, and solve them, then it's not a problem. It's just life.

There's no life without challenges. But it's fun to get up every day and see this little mouse growing, picking up new words and new movements. Sofia is two now, and that's just a super funny age, too.

What would you like to tell other families who are hoping for a child?

What I'd advise or wish for families, whether straight or gay, is that you try to take this as a positive experience. You have to really want it. Kids aren't a toy you get and then put away. It's important to stay yourself and to give this little person as much love as you can. Kids hardly need material things. They don't need status symbols. They're pure little people, and they need presence, love, and lots of patience.

They have to discover the world, and that's sometimes not so easy. And in those moments, we have to be there, stay calm, and guide our little person through it.

For us as a gay couple, or for gay couples who want to become parents, it's even harder because of the whole process, but if you really want it, you'll find a way. And yes, a child changes a lot in everyday life and in your relationship. It will also take away a little lightness, and you should be clear about that. A decision like this should absolutely be made with heart, gut, and passion.

Along with the euphoria and the excitement, it's important to ask yourself whether it's doable with a child, and to look at how friends and acquaintances who already have kids experience it. And once you're clear on that, once everything is sorted out and it can begin…. Then it's simply wonderful.