Midlife Is a Shake-Up, and Our Teens Are Watching

Hey, you guys. When we talk about our kids' teen years, we're also talking about our own midlife. The word perimenopause keeps getting flushed into my feed lately, and unfortunately it often comes with a shopping list, because of course there's good money to be made off women's insecurity.

I read that midlife is "badass" because "the middle finger grows." I read that midlife is awful because hot flashes and sleepless nights wreck your quality of life. I read about changes in digestion, about weight gain even though you're not eating more, and about the almost-mandatory message that every woman now urgently, absolutely needs strength training.

(Quick aside: Did your mothers go to the gym? Mine sure didn't. And yes, of course we can learn new things, but I just can't stand this heavy-handed, borderline hysterical "you have to, you have to" move. It does the opposite for me. Whenever someone says it, I want to rip open a bag of chips or head straight for the currywurst stand.)

I think about how our bodies are still being judged at our age: our skin, our butts, our outfits. I add up in my head what women spend on supplements, facials, and nail treatments, and I feel like part of an industry. An industry of insecurity and optimization. And I don't see equality here. I see a lot more beauty-industry pressure on women than on men.

I see men who loudly broadcast how important equality is while they're on the road day and night for work, selling women's ideas as their own and actively warning other coworkers about the female colleagues who might challenge them for their jobs… and all of this while their wives look after the kids and the house (she wants it that way!). We notice this now. Maybe we even say something about it (calling out injustice is very becoming on a woman)!

I see daughters who are smart and beautiful but who now believe they have lipedema or ADHD, because being extra, being different, is sold way too often as a weakness, a diagnosis, or an illness. (I'm not talking about the real condition of lipedema or the real diagnosis of ADHD. Of course those deserve to be taken seriously. I'm talking about guesses that leave girls feeling insecure.) I see lots of young men drinking protein shakes and building muscle.

I hear about hormone gels that save marriages because the new female rage is finally being kept in check (a friend's own words, definitely not representative). And as I write this, I notice how melancholy this piece is getting, even though that wasn't the plan at all. Maybe I'm just tired of all of it? Maybe I'm lucky to live in the country with lots of forest around me. Trees accept me just as I am.

When I listen to conversations about microneedling, cryotherapy chambers, or CO2 treatments, sometimes I wish all that optimizing were more often about beauty from the inside. About brain training instead of gyms and beauty salons. About classes and continuing education that fulfill us, so our minds get more beautiful. Our innermost selves. So we can glow. Outward.

I'd love that as an example for our teens, too (because wow, I hear about 8-year-olds buying face masks and hair masks at the drugstore)! You have a certain amount of money. Do you invest it in optimizing your own body, or in a great community project? In a task that gives your life meaning? Maybe you can even do both, but since a tank of gas now costs as much as my first car, I don't assume most people can swing both. Maybe it's better to support our community or put the money into a hobby than to hand it over to the pharma industry for Botox and the like?

Making the Most of Our Midlife

I don't care about the wrinkle on your forehead, but what have you learned lately? Have you gotten wise? Can you look at life from a new angle? How have you changed? Which fork in the road did you take? What gives you depth, with all the shallowness in the world? Is life really about having the smoothest skin, or is it maybe about a feeling of happiness that comes from within? Aren't laughter and lightness the most beautiful beauty secrets?

And yes, dammit, midlife plants us firmly on our butts. It doesn't go easy on us. It gets to show us what we really want. It gets to make us quit because we can't be bothered anymore to work for a lousy boss. It gets to make us doubt which road we took. It gets to change friendships and relationships. Midlife is one big shake-out.

We shake it off and see what still sticks, kind of like a breaded schnitzel that loses a few more crumbs when you tap it off. And of course we're then allowed to say: Hey, I'm doing more for myself now. Maybe even more for our skin and thighs, but possibly not only that. Maybe also something bigger, something that changes things, something that lasts.

We have life experience now, we see more clearly, and we're allowed to sort out who or what still fits us, and who or what doesn't. We're allowed to discover new things and get to know ourselves all over again. We set the priorities here. Please don't let me, who's just spilling her thoughts here totally unfiltered, influence you at all, because that can be part of midlife, too: that we don't necessarily get swept up by every wave anymore, and that we can stand steady even when others do things differently. On the road to more inner peace, however we may get there…

What has changed for you in midlife? Have you weeded out friends who don't fit anymore? Have you found a new hobby or revived an old one? Have you switched jobs again or gone back for more training? Do you eat differently, or notice that you're clearer in your decisions? Do you also notice by now when a man at work cuts in front of you? How has your relationship with your own appearance changed? Do you feel unsettled or strengthened by all the recommendations for women in perimenopause? Tell us.