How to Talk to Your Kids About Bodies, Sex, and Boundaries

Hi, friends! “let's talk about it” is easy to say. But how do we actually get kids talking about bodies, sexuality, and the boundaries that protect them? Eliane Retz believes good sex ed isn't one big conversation. It's lots of small moments in everyday life. Here she explains how we can make that happen.

Let's talk about it: How do we start conversations with our kids about bodies and sex so they're not getting everything they know from TikTok? Or is any information better than none?

It depends a lot on what kind of information kids are getting. There are some good sex ed sites online, but there's also plenty of false and misleading information, and of course lots of content that creates pressure. It's better to have lots of small conversations.

Sex ed is a huge subject, which is exactly why you really can't fit it all into one single conversation. That would completely overwhelm kids and teens. It works best when it comes up naturally in everyday life, like when you're at the pool and your kids notice that people have all kinds of different body shapes.

Then sex ed stops being weird, embarrassing, or abstract. It's concrete and easy for kids to grasp, because something right in front of them sparked the conversation.

How can parents help their kids develop a good, healthy body image?

Kids pay very close attention to how people talk about the human body at home. If parents constantly criticize their own figures or judge other people's looks, whether positively or negatively, they're sending a message: You'd better watch yourself and work hard to live up to my personal ideals, or society's.

That really isn't good for kids who are still in the middle of their physical development! When a child keeps hearing, “I wouldn't eat that, or you'll end up as fat as that boy in third grade,” parents are laying the groundwork for body shame. Often it happens completely unconsciously, which is exactly why it's important to be aware of it.

I'd also steer attention toward how your own body feels and everything your child gets to experience with it. Is running fast fun? What does it feel like when your heart beats faster? Where do you feel excitement? How can you tell you need a break? How do you know when clothes feel good, and what kind of clothes do you even like? That way your child learns that a body is for more than being looked at.

And when a child is struggling with how they look, it helps to really listen: “What exactly is bothering you right now?” A quick “But you're beautiful!” is well meant, sure, but it doesn't really help. What matters more is that a child learns to truly accept and value themselves. Sometimes that also means coping with new challenges.

For a lot of kids, suddenly having to wear glasses is a real turning point. It's important not to leave a child alone with that, but to help them get used to the change in how they look and feel about it.

How should parents react when their kids start exploring their own bodies for the first time and the parents feel uncomfortable about it?

Kids are curious about their bodies. They look at themselves in the mirror and explore their own genitals while they're at it. Some kids are more curious than others. The same goes for exploring each other. It shouldn't get uncomfortable in the first place!

It's important that kids learn the rules early and are well protected by the adults around them, for example by trained, sensitive daycare or preschool staff. Even a quiet no counts. Older kids don't explore younger kids, and the other way around.

It's important to use very clear words: nothing like sticks, pens, or marbles goes into the vulva, the butt, or the penis. Clarity is crucial here. Parents often don't dare to ask questions when body exploration comes up at preschool. But they absolutely can. I always encourage parents to ask when we touch on it in a counseling session and they're clearly unsure but can't bring themselves to put their worries, or even their fears, into words.

How can moms and dads set their own boundaries when their kids want to look at or touch their body parts?

Parents teach their kids that nobody is allowed to touch them without asking, and parents have that same right to physical boundaries: “I don't want you to touch my breast or my penis.” That doesn't need a long explanation.

Family boundaries always include what's known as the incest taboo. That's why it's important for parents to be very clear when they notice an unhealthy dynamic developing between their kids, during bath time, for example. Clear words matter here too: “No, your brother doesn't want you touching his penis. He said so clearly.”

This isn't about shame or blame. It's about keeping a good eye on the relationship between the kids. Physical closeness is voluntary, and nobody gets to demand it. Kids should learn to notice their own boundaries and, at the same time, to respect other people's.

We know by now that we shouldn't have ONE big sex talk, but should answer questions in a kid-friendly way from the start. But what about sexual violence? How do we bring it up without scaring them, and when?

With little kids, protection starts with knowing about their bodies and with what they experience day to day. Are their boundaries taken seriously? Are they allowed to say when something makes them uncomfortable? Do they know the right words for their body parts? A child who doesn't want to give a kiss needs adults who encourage them to say no and respect that decision.

Talking about sexual violence assumes that kids have already had good, age-appropriate sex ed, and that adults have first given them a positive way into the subject of bodies and sexuality. If we skip that part and only connect sex with violence, assault, unwanted pregnancy, or disease, it's only logical that fear takes hold.

In the worst case, we take away a child's chance to approach this huge subject openly and positively at first. That's why good sex ed also prevents fear and a lot of insecurity.

But honestly: of course conversations like these can also trigger fear. Plenty of women are afraid to walk alone on the street at night well into old age. And that fear doesn't come out of nowhere. When we talk with kids about difficult, existential topics, like death, illness, war, environmental disasters, or sexual violence, it can of course cause fear. That's not unusual.

But not talking about it would be pretty unfair, wouldn't it? Just because adults stay quiet doesn't mean these dangers go away. And fear isn't automatically bad. As long as it doesn't overwhelm us, it can serve an important protective function: it makes us pay attention, makes us more careful, and can help us judge risks better.

So the point isn't to shield kids from every fear. The point is to give them knowledge, direction, and trust, so they can recognize danger in time and feel able to protect themselves and set good boundaries.

If you could wave a magic wand: What would you wish for all of us when it comes to this topic?

Don't be afraid to talk with your kids about it. Sex ed is so much more than an awkward conversation that's uncomfortable for everyone. When you as parents start talking confidently about sex, and about the possible dangers too, that's exactly the foundation that helps young people head into their first romantic relationships feeling safer.

There will still be heartbreak. But less shattering, less devastating, and at best, bearable. So that even teenagers feel deep down: This hurts like crazy right now. But I won't go under because of it. I'll get through this. My life is just getting started!