Single Mom, Back on the Dating Apps: The Hunt for Mr. Right

Hi, everyone! Today is Valentine's Day, and our reader Lisa is genuinely happy as a single mom. But every now and then, she gets the itch for a new love. Finding the right man isn't as easy as it sounds, as she tells us here.

Lisa, you're fresh back in the online dating game. How long have you been separated, and how does single mom life feel?

It's been a good two years since I split from the dad of my two girls (4 and 7). We've worked out a really good arrangement, and I feel pretty happy as a single mom with my little munchkins. But for quite a while now, friends have been asking whether I could picture having a man at my side again. A few months ago I didn't want to hear a word about it. It just felt like one more thing to stress about.

Then I thought, why not see what's out there? I signed up for a dating site for single parents first. The very first man it suggested to me was my ex! I deleted my account right away! After that, it took a good long while before I signed up for another dating site. And now I'm back, stuck in the dating jungle 🙂

What qualities does a man need to have for you to like him?

Number one, hands down, is a sense of humor! I love to laugh and I love making other people laugh, so I want someone next to me who can do that too! But I also like good, serious conversations. So a nice mix would be great. (That's exactly what my profile says, by the way!)

Looks matter less to me. I don't really have a type or any particular preferences. He just needs to be well-groomed, please. That should go without saying, but you never know…

What's the line you hear most often while online dating?

I honestly can't say for sure. I think the men are very polite, and they're pretty good at flattery. I get a lot of compliments on my friendly profile and my nice laugh. So either these men are really good at impressing a woman, or I'm doing something right with my profile. Or maybe a little of both.

And what's the most common lie men tell on there?

Good question! To catch someone in a lie, you have to get a bit further along. But I think it's a lie when they say looks don't matter to them and that being natural matters more. I'm pretty sure that at the first meeting they decide fairly quickly whether they want to see you again, and I'm sure a not-insignificant percentage of that decision depends on looks. That's pure speculation on my part, of course! Otherwise, I don't think there's sooo much lying going on.

You already did some online dating a few years ago. Can you tell us some funny stories?

Yes, before my ex I was single for a long time and went on sooo many dates! And of course I chatted with even more men. It got interesting when, partway through a conversation, you realized the guy had apparently dated your best friend once. Eventually you start showing your friends the men's photos before you meet up with them.

But one story really stuck with me: I once chatted with a man I found really nice and attractive at first. He seemed to like me and my photos, too, and I'd gotten curious to meet him in person.

Then, out of nowhere, he asked me a truly bizarre question. He wanted me to come over to his place and order him around in a bossy tone, telling him he had to put all his furniture out on the curb. The whole thing was supposed to happen on bulk trash day, when the city picks up big items like old furniture. And he wanted me to arrange it with the sanitation workers so I could push the button on the garbage truck's compactor while looking him in the eye.

I couldn't believe he'd actually asked that of me. To this day I wonder whether he found a woman who actually did it. And if so, how many times…

Do you think you can find true love online, or is it mostly just for fun?

Yes, I'm convinced you can, otherwise I wouldn't be on there. I actually think it's very hard to find true love in real life anymore. After a certain age, you just don't meet men anymore. And when you do, the odds that they're single are pretty slim. Online dating is (supposedly) clearer: you can at least assume the other person is interested in finding a partner. I think it also depends on which site you're on.

I think some of them are more about quick, casual hookups (meaning mostly sex). Others are probably meant more for people looking for something serious. You can state that on your profile, and I always pay attention to what a man puts there, hoping it's really true. Still, things can end up casual after all. It might just happen somehow, even if both people are basically looking for a committed partner. As long as both are fine with it, there's nothing wrong with that.

What tips would you give other women who are thinking about trying online dating?

Like I said above, look into the site beforehand. It can be confusing at first. I also think you should have the courage to message men yourself instead of thinking the man should please make the first move. For one thing, thankfully we left the 1960s behind. For another, I think a man is impressed when you send a confident, maybe funny first message.

And what should you never do?

I would never meet someone at home or at a secluded place for a first date. That sounds logical, but when you've been texting or even talking on the phone, a sense of familiarity can creep in. You might be tempted to go along with a suggestion because you don't want to disappoint the other person or something. But you should stay true to your principles and the rules you've set for yourself.

I'd also try to present myself as authentically as possible in my profile and not pretend to be something I'm not. Your photos especially should show what you actually look like and what you're about. Of course you pick photos you like yourself in. But if my pictures were too fake or edited, I'd probably be way too nervous before the first date. Because by then at the latest, the truth comes out.

One more thing I just remembered: men keep complimenting me on my long, personal messages. They say that's rare. That doesn't sound like the women I know… But apparently there are a lot of women on these sites who don't say much and reply with short answers. Men seem to find that boring, or they feel too much pressure to keep the conversation going, which probably doesn't go over well.

Dream a little: what does your perfect first in-person date with a guy you met online look like?

I think the perfect date actually happens before you meet. If you manage to get into a relaxed, funny, maybe even a little flirty conversation with a man, you get curious ahead of time and look forward to meeting him.

For the date itself, I like to start with a walk or a stroll through town, and then maybe stop somewhere for a coffee. But honestly the activity doesn't matter much (aside from the rule that it shouldn't be in a secluded patch of woods).

A really lovely date is one where you laugh, where saying goodbye you maybe even want to kiss him on the very first date, where you float home and can't wait for him to text that he'd love to see you again.

And the perfect first date is probably the legendary last first date… (I just got the feeling, for the first time in a long while, that my most recent date might have been one. I'm really looking forward to the ones that come next!)