Perimenopause, Freedom, and a Libido at an All-Time High

Hi, friends! So much of what we hear about perimenopause, the years leading up to menopause, is negative. But our reader Wanja says: Nope, so much in my life has gotten better. She tells us about feeling freer, and about wanting a lot more sex.

Wanja, you're right in the middle of perimenopause. How do you notice it most?

I can tell that a lot is changing for me right now. Mostly because I just do the things I feel like doing, no matter what anyone says and without worrying about how the people around me will judge it. I should add that I'm in my early 40s, I've been happily divorced for several years, I'm a single parent, and I have two teenage sons.

That sounds pretty positive…

I like being a single mom, and I really enjoy life with my boys (ups and downs included). The teen years are challenging, I'll admit that. But I also very deliberately take a lot of time for myself, for my career, and for things I've always wanted to do in my personal life.

Do you feel like the hormonal changes make it easier to say no than it used to be? That you're not trying to please everyone all the time, and you look out for yourself more? 

I can definitely say no better, but there's still room to grow. I often say no and then feel guilty anyway, but I'm working on that.

And how about physically? Can you still get out of bed without a sore back? Are your fingernails still flexible? What are the bat wings up to ;-)?

Physically I'm doing pretty well. I'll admit I don't exercise much, and I can accept my bat wings just fine 😊 In the end, nobody else minds them anyway, just you.

How are you doing mentally?

Mentally I'm doing better than I have in a long time, because I decided that I only get this one life and that I'm going to free myself from conventions (especially when it comes to relationships and how a mother is "supposed to be").

You wrote that your libido has changed too. Tell us more about that. 

My libido is honestly at an all-time high. At least, I can't remember ever wanting physical closeness this much. There's still so much to discover at my "age," and I feel like things only really got started at 40. I think I feel so at home in my body right now because I accept it more and more, and that makes the sex better, too.

What matters to me (whether I'm in a committed relationship or a situationship) is open communication about expectations, wishes, and needs, and that usually goes over well. I enjoy dating. I see it as a game, and I'm meeting really great people. I also think a lot about how I want to live relationships in the future.

A non-monogamous setup with separate homes is my current favorite, and I'm really curious and excited about everything life still has in store. One thing is clear: I don't need a committed, traditional partner by my side. I have lots of deep relationships with friends, family, and colleagues, and I don't expect a man to make me happy. I can do that on my own.

 What would you like to tell other women going through this phase? 

That's really what I want to tell other women: Don't wait… to end the relationship, to switch jobs, to take the trip, to start the new hobby… And yes, it's exhausting to juggle care work and kids while also having needs of your own, but it's so worth it. And kids benefit from a mom who's in a good place. You're not bad mothers because you take care of yourselves.