Talking With Your Teen: Listen More, Fix Less

Hi friends, I volunteer in Germany's emergency pastoral care, supporting people in acute crises. Every so often we get continuing-education courses, and recently I spent the first two days of a six-day training seminar practicing good conversation skills and active listening. I really love sharing knowledge I find useful, so I'm taking you along.

Honestly, I had to set aside a lot of what matters in journalistic interviews. But training only pays off when you step into a different perspective, and that's how you pick up a ton of new insights.

Good conversations with teens, too

The whole time, though, I kept thinking: Wow, this doesn't just apply to supporting people in a crisis. It works beautifully with teenagers, too. So many parents write to us that it's incredibly hard to get a conversation going with their teens, or to keep a conversation from escalating until someone rolls their eyes and leaves the room.

Have you heard of the "listen, don't judge" trend? Where someone just listens, with zero judgment? On Instagram, I shared the wonderful listening room from the German initiative Momo hört zu ("Momo Listens"), where someone simply sits there and is present while you let your story out.

The moment something deep inside us travels from our vocal cords out through our mouth as an actual voice, we start processing. That's how we sort things out and file them away. That's why we sometimes just need to talk it out, and it isn't about the person across from us at all. It's about us.

Our society tends to look down on that ("she just talks and talks and talks"), so we can feel self-conscious. But what if it's allowed? What if we're explicitly invited to do it? Saying things out loud gives us so many insights that sometimes we don't need advice at all, just an ear.

And let's be honest with ourselves: How often do we pass judgment the second someone tells us something? Or we pump up the emotion by agreeing ("Oh my gosh, I can't believe what she did!"), or we jump in with solutions ("Have you tried xyz?").

And yes, all of that has its place. But we slide quickly into adultism, the assumption that adults know best, or into a "back in my day" tone, because we have so much more life experience.

It can do wonders to make up your mind to simply let what the other person says stand, and accept it. Not to solve anything, just to accept it completely. Would you try this with your teens?

One important thing: This isn't supposed to turn into a monologue. We listen closely and give the conversation structure through statements (not questions! That's really hard at first). Here's an example I made up off the top of my head to show how a conversation like this might go.

Because yes, with active listening, we're allowed to jump in with statements. They also help the other person sort things out. You can hardly go wrong here, because if what you say doesn't fit, you'll get pushback, and that makes your teen's emotion clearer to them, too. I'll work that into the conversation below:

• Teen: My dad's never around. He's always working.
• Me: That weighs on you.
• Teen: Nah, I wouldn't say it weighs on me. I just miss him.
• Me: You'd like more time with him.
• Teen: Exactly. I'm a lot more like him than like my mom, who's always busy with her own stuff.
• Me: That makes you feel overlooked.
• Teen: Yeah, sometimes. But mostly it's just never as relaxed as when they're both there. They really balance each other out.
• Me: Your parents make a good team.
• Teen: I'd say so. Even if they fight sometimes…

It's truly amazing how much good this does for the person talking. We tested it in lots of role plays. I got to be the one talking, too, and I felt accepted and seen and just plain good in that setting.

So I want to encourage you to let things stand once in a while, not judge, let your kids come to you, and really listen to them. It brings insights and directions we might otherwise have missed.

It doesn't have to happen in some artificial "Come on, let's talk" moment. But the next time you notice your teen starting to open up, you could give it a try.

They lead the way, and we just put up trail markers in these conversations. Often so much sorts itself out just by saying it out loud that we don't need outside suggestions. They come up with the best ideas on their own.

I find it fascinating what a technique like this can do (and I was skeptical, too!). Will you test it and report back? You can also try it out first on a good friend over dinner, or with your partner… I'm curious what you'll tell me.