Mimi Lawrence on Why “I’ve Got This” Is the Problem

Friends, you’ve got everything under control, but who’s got you? Who are you when you stop being there for everyone else? And how do you get out of the “I’ll just do it” trap? That’s exactly what the new German-language book by well-known fitness, yoga, and menopause expert Mimi Lawrence is about: Ich habe alles im Griff. Und genau das ist das Problem. Wie du endlich wieder für dich da bist (I’ve Got Everything Under Control. And That’s the Problem. How to Finally Be There for Yourself Again).

It’s for every woman who’s done with just functioning and wants to live again. Not just functioning, caretaking, holding it all together. Not being tired all the time and never really getting a break. Not saying “I’m fine” when things are far from fine. Because what happens when women stop trying to make everyone happy?

Dear Mimi, a 19-year-old I know recently cut her five-day girls’ trip short by a day because she didn’t want to leave her boss at the café in the lurch. The earlier trip home cost her double, so her paycheck basically went to that. On the one hand: a reliable employee. On the other hand, she put herself last to do someone else a favor. How do you set boundaries in a situation like that?

Most women I know aren’t helping because they’re generous. They’re afraid of letting people down. That sounds harsh, but look at this 19-year-old’s story. She cut her vacation short, spent her own paycheck, and probably still felt guilty that she hesitated at all. None of that has anything to do with strength. It’s a pattern.

It’s a pattern most women don’t start at 19. By 19, they’ve already perfected it. So the question isn’t how she sets boundaries. The question is why she believes her boss’s well-being is her responsibility. Her boss could have organized the café differently. She didn’t, because she knew her young employee would step in.

So the first step isn’t a big no. It’s an honest answer to this question: Am I doing this because I want to, or because I’m afraid of what happens if I don’t?

We want to be there for the people around us and not disappoint anyone. We moms know that feeling well. In the end, we lose ourselves in serving everyone else. What are your tips?

At some point, something creeps in. You’re not helping because you want to anymore. You’re helping because you feel like you have to. Like something will fall apart without you. Like if you say no, you’re not a good wife, mom, friend, coworker, and so on. And eventually you don’t even know what a real yes feels like anymore, because you’ve said “yes” out of duty for so long.

What often helps is one honest question, before the next time you automatically say “yes,” and it’s the one I just mentioned: “Do I want this, or am I just afraid of what happens if I say no?” The guilt afterward isn’t a sign you’re doing something wrong. It’s a sign you’re learning something new.

We function, we take care of everyone, we hold it all together. How do we keep from losing ourselves in the process?

By no longer mistaking functioning for living. I’ve talked to so many women who had everything under control on the outside. Family runs. Job runs. Daily life runs. But on the inside? They all felt empty and somehow worn out. Many talked about feeling invisible in their own lives.

The tricky part is that we don’t lose ourselves in big crises. We lose ourselves through a thousand small decisions against ourselves. A walk that gets canceled. A doctor’s appointment that gets pushed back. A free evening that immediately fills up with obligations again. And then, at some point, comes that moment.

The moment when you realize: I took care of everything for years. Everything except me. That’s exactly why my book is called I’ve Got Everything Under Control. And That’s the Problem.

How do we tell the difference between what we do and what would actually be good for us?

There’s a question I ask myself, and it’s frighteningly honest: “Would I still do this if no one noticed?” A lot of what we do, we don’t do for ourselves. We do it because we’ve always done it. Because it’s expected. Because the guilt would otherwise outweigh the exhaustion. Because it’s simply become normal to act that way.

The simplest test: How do you feel right afterward? Not tired in the good way, but more empty, drained, or even just glad it’s over? Then it probably wasn’t good for you. We haven’t listened to ourselves for so long that we’ve unlearned how to feel the difference. But the body forgets nothing. We’ve just stopped listening to it.

Let’s say a mom already has three volunteer jobs. Now someone asks who’s going to bring a cake to the school field day. She’s the only one who doesn’t sign up. And she feels miserable, even though she already does so much… just not this…

This woman isn’t suffering because she isn’t baking a cake. She’s suffering because she believes she has to explain herself. “I already do so much.” “I wanted to, but…” “You know how things are for me right now.” No man at that field day explains why he didn’t bring a cake.

He didn’t bring one. Done. We, on the other hand, justify ourselves, not because we did anything wrong, but because we’ve learned that we need a reason not to help. That a no on its own isn’t enough. But no is a complete sentence. And so is “I already have three volunteer jobs.”

How do you feel about the advice to treat yourself like your best friend?

I wouldn’t necessarily say like your best friend, but like your favorite person. Not every woman has a best friend. But almost everyone has a favorite person. And we’re often kinder to that person than we are to ourselves. When they’re exhausted, we say: Get some rest.

When we’re exhausted, we order ourselves: Pull yourself together. When they make a mistake, we’re understanding. When we make a mistake, we become our own harshest critic. So the question isn’t: How would your favorite person treat you? The really interesting question is: Why do you think you deserve less compassion than other people?

And what do you think of the tip to block out ten minutes for yourself every day in your phone calendar? As a mandatory routine?

Do we really need more tasks in our already full lives? We live in a time when everything is getting faster, louder, and more hectic, and the solution is supposed to be a calendar entry for ourselves? Plenty of women even turn self-care into a to-do list.

Then relaxation becomes performance again. And then we feel guilty when we didn’t manage the ten minutes. But this isn’t about rules or routines. It’s about feeling again what’s good for you right now. Four deliberate breaths. A coffee you actually drink, not one that gets gulped down between two tasks. A moment that belongs to you and nobody else. That’s enough. You don’t need more than that.

Do you have any other tips for us?

Ask yourself regularly: What would I do if I didn’t have to prove anything to anyone? Where am I saying yes when I mean no? What’s costing me more energy right now than it gives me? And please, don’t start with a big life change. Start with a no you really mean. A free evening that actually stays free.

No laundry, no dishwasher, and no phone call with a friend who needs your advice right now. Self-care rarely begins with a big decision. It begins with lots of small things that fit into your life, not the other way around.

And one more thing: When you start functioning less and living more, not everyone around you is going to be thrilled. Some people benefit from you always being available. But that’s exactly where freedom begins. You might get less applause. But you’ll get a lot more peace of mind.

What do you say to a woman who tells you: “I’m not selfish enough to only take care of myself”?

Most women who say this sentence have been taking care of everyone else for years. Everyone but themselves. That’s not a selfishness problem, it’s a permission problem. They believe they have to earn their rest. Earn their break. Justify their needs before they’re allowed to have them. But no one needs permission to take themselves seriously.

What does it really mean for you to live again and break out of the hamster wheel of caregiving?

For me, it means building a relationship with myself again. Knowing what I think, what I feel, and also what matters to me. Definitely not just seemingly functioning perfectly, or just meeting expectations, or playing roles.

Many women realize at some point: I took care of everything, except me. Living again doesn’t mean being there less for others. It means being there for yourself too. Because here’s the uncomfortable truth: If you put yourself last for good, eventually you have nothing left to give.

We can only truly love other people and make them happy if we start with ourselves first. Because in the end, it’s not about having everything under control. It’s about not losing yourself while you try to hold it all together.

I’ve Got Everything Under Control. And That’s the Problem.