Dear readers, the topic of surrogacy stirs up strong emotions in many people; the debate is complex, touching on human dignity, the commercialisation of the body, and accusations of exploitation on the one hand… and on the other, the fulfilment of a long-cherished dream of having a child.
Our reader Jessika chose this path with her second husband and tells us here what it has all meant for her and her family. After all, if we don’t form a picture of the issue, we cannot form an opinion on it either. Jessika’s family includes her husband, who is three years younger, her 14-year-old biological child, her 11-year-old adopted child, and now also her little daughter, who will soon be one.
Dear Jessika, your second child is adopted. After your first child, what led you to decide on this path to expanding your family?
Unfortunately, after my first child, I was unable to have any more children due to a failed placenta retention curettage. As a result, I developed Asherman’s syndrome (adhesions in the uterine wall) and, despite intensive treatment, it was no longer possible for me to become pregnant again.
But I had always wanted to have several children – ideally three – as I have two siblings with whom I get on very well. So when it became clear that I could no longer have children, my world came crashing down. Even back then, I looked into surrogacy, but that was out of the question for my husband at the time. But as we really wanted to expand our family, we eventually decided to go down the route of adoption.
So what was it like when you were able to hold your second child in your arms? Was there an immediate sense of love and a feeling of „you belong with us“?
The feeling was overwhelming. Our son had only been in the world for 45 minutes when I held him in my arms for the first time. I felt I still had so much love left over from my first son, and he was just such a sweet little boy – you simply had to take him into your heart straight away. His big brother was also so happy about his little brother and was constantly giving him little kisses.
When did you realise that the desire to have more children was still there deep down?
After we’d adopted our second son, I was so happy that it had worked out at all that I was content with the two boys. So the desire for another child was initially put on the back burner, as I also knew that another adoption would have been virtually impossible.
It was already a huge stroke of luck that we were able to welcome an adopted child into our family after just ten months’ wait. So many people want to follow the same path and wait in vain for years. Nevertheless, some of my friends have three children and I’ve often found myself thinking that I would have loved to have had a third child too.
You then came up with the idea of surrogacy – what led up to that?
After a few years, my ex-husband and I parted ways amicably. A year later, I got together with my second husband. He didn’t have any children of his own, and we both wanted to have another baby together. However, he was the one who brought up the subject of surrogacy after only a very short time.
Did you have any moral concerns as well?
Of course, you think a lot about the subject beforehand. It helped us a great deal to talk to several families; some had even had good experiences with surrogacy twice before and only had positive things to say. All the families were still in contact with the surrogate mother and the relationship was very warm in every case. In our town alone, we know three families who have also gone down this route.
So how did you organise yourselves? How do you choose the woman who will have the embryo transferred?
One family recommended the agency they’d used for surrogacy in Ukraine. We then contacted them via WhatsApp and asked our initial questions. We had an English-speaking coordinator and all communication took place via text messages throughout the process, which went quickly and smoothly. We were also always sent all the test results and, later on, all the ultrasound images and videos.
What emotions did you feel when it all began?
The emotions were intense, especially after the embryo had been transferred. I remember that ten days after the transfer, we got the positive result in the morning and I cried with joy. The last time I’d held a positive pregnancy test in my hand was when I was pregnant with my first son, and the emotions were very similar.
Were there any fears as well?
Of course there were fears too. Will the pregnancy continue? Especially in the first few weeks, the risk of miscarriage is always very high. With every message from our coordinator, I hoped that everything was fine. It’s definitely not for the faint-hearted, receiving updates only via WhatsApp. What’s more, the war in Ukraine was unfortunately already underway at that point, and that naturally caused us concern too, even though there were hardly any attacks at the time.
Were you in contact the whole time? How did you feel about the surrogate mum?
From the fourth month onwards, we were allowed to have contact with our surrogate mum, which was lovely. We had a shared WhatsApp group with her, my husband, our coordinator and me. Of course, it felt a bit strange messaging her at first, as we’d only seen photos of her, but little by little we got to know each other, exchanged photos of our children and shared lots of personal details.
We started to feel as though we knew each other very well. At one point, our surrogate mum wrote to us to say she’d felt our daughter move for the first time – it was such a wonderful feeling. She really let us share in her pregnancy, sending us photos and videos of her bump and writing to tell us how she was getting on. We’re still grateful to her for that today. Little by little, she became like another member of the family to me.
Did you meet the surrogate mum in person before the birth?
Yes, a week before the birth we went out for a meal with her and the coordinator, who acted as an interpreter. That moment, when I saw her for the first time with our daughter in her womb, was so overwhelming. I just cried, and my husband, the surrogate mum and the coordinator couldn’t hold back their tears either. During the meeting, she held my hand almost the whole time. Even though neither of us could speak the other’s language, the body language was crystal clear and really brought us together in that moment.
After the birth, we met her twice more for a meal. This allowed her to get to know our daughter, and we had plenty of opportunity to have another long chat. We’d also brought gifts for her and her family, which we gave to her at the time.
So what was it like when you heard that labour was starting?
At the surrogate mother’s request, the birth was a planned caesarean section. It was scheduled to take place in the morning. We were picked up and driven to the maternity hospital. There, it felt like we had to wait an eternity. The emotions during that time are almost impossible to put into words. When our daughter was finally brought into the room with us, it felt so surreal on the one hand and simply overwhelming on the other.
What was that first moment with your baby like?
We bonded straight away, undressed her and placed her on my bare chest. Later, it was my husband’s turn. Those first few hours with her were wonderful.
What was it like taking your child home?
After the birth, we had to stay in Ukraine for another two weeks, as all the documents required for the child’s identity card at the German Embassy first had to be drawn up and apostilled. We really enjoyed this time. Away from the stresses of everyday life, just the three of us. We did a lot in Kyiv, met other families, had delicious meals and visited the sights.
Everyday life carried on as normal there. However, during our time there we also experienced a heavy air raid, which forced us into the cellar for several hours, and a few air raid sirens. So the relief at finally being allowed to go home was immense. Most of all, though, because I missed my boys so much and we were so looking forward to introducing them to their little sister.
How did the people around you react to the fact that you suddenly had a baby, even though they hadn’t seen a baby bump beforehand?
We were very open about it from the start. People who hadn’t realised were very surprised at first, but then reacted positively. Generally speaking, everyone around us reacted really positively to the surrogacy, which of course made us very happy.
How are you all doing today?
We’re doing very well. The boys absolutely adore their little sister, we’re taking turns enjoying our parental leave, and we’re still in close contact with our surrogate mum. We really hope that the war in Ukraine will end soon and that we’ll be able to travel back to Ukraine to see her again. By the way, she’s used the money to buy a house of her own for herself and her son and is looking forward to finishing the renovations.
