Dear readers, do you ever wonder how we can escape the cycle of complaining? Why do people in this country love to complain so much – and are there ways to break out of it? In their book Mindful Complaining, Daniela Nagel and Heike Abidi tackle precisely these questions. Here, they examine the topic from every angle and help us to distance ourselves from both our own tirades of whingeing and the barrage of complaints from others, whilst still remaining empathetic in both directions.
After all: whingeing is part of life: it’s an outlet for getting rid of frustration, anger and stress, and sometimes it even clears your head in the short term. But if we remain trapped in the spiral of whingeing, if negative thoughts dominate our thinking and feelings and we drag ourselves and others ever deeper into an ‘everything’s-terrible’ mindset, well, what then?! Author Daniela Nagel has written a guest post for us on the subject. Here it is:
If you’re currently trying to breastfeed your baby whilst completely exhausted, doing homework with your school-age child, dealing with viruses from the nursery that seem to be permanent guests, and you don’t even have the energy to fill in the application for a mother-and-child health retreat, let alone pack a suitcase for it, then a saying like this certainly won’t help:
“Enjoy it, they grow up so fast.”
To be honest, sometimes I feel wistful when I think that none of my now very grown-up children will wake me from my sleep at night and snuggle up next to me anymore (coming home from a party is a different matter 😉), that I no longer have to read the same book out loud for the hundredth time, or that someone misses me so much that he or she wants to be picked up the moment I unlock the door.
And yet I can remember very well the feeling of being completely worn out and just wanting to moan. About sleepless nights, feeling overwhelmed, chaos or fears. Preferably with friends who are going through the same thing right now. If even a conscious sigh can demonstrably provide relief, how wonderful is it then to moan together? And really let it all out?
How long does ‘shared sorrow is half sorrow’ hold true?
At first, shared sorrow really does feel like half the sorrow. We feel understood, can let off steam and, in the best-case scenario, encourage and inspire one another. It becomes problematic when our conversations get stuck in a cycle of moaning or being subjected to endless moaning. I recall situations in (mums’) groups that degenerate into a competition over who has it worst.
At the very latest, when the most important common denominator in a group is collective lamenting, tunnel vision quickly sets in. One reason why I’m only cautiously celebrating the hashtag #authentic motherhood. At least when it’s not simply an honest look at the downsides, but every relaxed mother is accused of hypocrisy or naivety.
If the complaining leads to our attention being focused solely on the burden and we miss out on the beauty of it all, that is just as unhelpful as toxic positivity. Glossing over everything doesn’t help, nor does talking everything down; but both drain energy from us and those around us at the same time.
And how does mindful complaining strike that happy medium?
First, pause and listen to yourself and others. How much am I focusing on my reasons for complaining? Do I actually want to change anything, or am I just letting off steam? How often do I feel, in conversations, like I’m the emotional dustbin for the person I’m talking to? Do I let myself be constantly bombarded with complaints? Who hasn’t met people who spend half an hour telling you how bad things are for them, but who suddenly have an urgent appointment the moment you want to share your own troubles?
And when we’re in the midst of a crisis ourselves, we can easily lose perspective. I’ve certainly found myself lost in a spiral of whining on more than one occasion and was grateful for a (friendly) kick up the backside that helped me shift my perspective.
Looking at our true needs
Sometimes we do complain excessively, perhaps because we simply learnt as children to always look for the fly in the ointment. Simply questioning our own socialisation can help. Even if we’re among those who, even with our heads under our arms, still claim that everything is going smoothly.
But what do I really want when I complain? (This doesn’t mean clearly pointing out grievances.) To fit in? Anyone who tells a playgroup that their child sleeps through the night for ten hours, is always in a good mood and eats homemade parsnip purée as if it were chocolate pudding runs the risk of being excluded or at least viewed with scepticism.
Particularly curious in this context is the habit of moaning so as not to make others jealous. No matter how much you talk about the difficult birth, the sore nipples or the lack of togetherness, anyone who (in vain) wishes for a child will not think, amidst all the moaning, ‘cool, I’m spared that’. Listening sincerely and holding back a little when describing one’s own happiness can be good for the relationship in such situations. Rejoicing in the other person’s happiness, even if one’s own happiness in the same area remains elusive, is equally important.
The desire for attention, recognition or help can also prompt us to complain, often in the form of reproaches. “I always have to do everything on my own.” “Nobody has it as hard as I do.” Most of the time, this changes little, and it is certainly not our job to educate our (adult) circle, but clear communication is very much our responsibility.
When you can’t stand the whingeing any longer…
For me, a conversation in which I felt my conversation partner was focusing in an unhealthy way on the problems in their life triggered a desire to get to the bottom of the issue. After all, I’m not immune to moments of whinging myself, and at the same time I’ve long recognised the huge impact our thoughts and words have on our lives. Our brain is constantly trying to confirm our (pre)judgements, and less drama in our thinking and speaking automatically leads to fewer reasons to moan.
Don’t worry, having a proper moan now and then can be therapeutic, but (working together) to eliminate reasons to moan and shift the focus to what’s going well makes life more enjoyable and is more effective. And moaning about things we either can’t or don’t want to change is a waste of time anyway.
And when I look back on the particularly challenging moments with five children over a span of eleven years, moaning has never really improved a situation; humour, composure, clear communication and taking a deep breath first, on the other hand, certainly have. It’s not always easy, but luckily I didn’t even try to get it perfect in the first place. Mindful moaning is enough.
With that in mind, I wish you plenty of confidence, composure where needed, the ability to set boundaries, and as few reasons to moan as possible.
Yours, Daniela
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Psychological test and online ‘complaining fast’
If you used to enjoy filling in psychological tests in magazines, you’ll certainly have fun with Complaining Personality Test. And for even more input and discussion, the joint online ‘complaining fast’ will take place from 4 May 2026: Five lively 45-minute Zoom sessions with the authors on:
4 May, 11 May, 25 May, 1 June and 8 June at 7.00 pm (always on Mondays), with the option of further discussion in a private Facebook group. Click here to register (Please also check your spam folder or contact Daniela directly at autorin@danielanagel-marieadams.de if the link doesn’t work straight away.)
