Mindful Complaining: How Moms Can Vent Without Spiraling

Hi, friends. Do you ever wonder how we get out of the complaining trap? Why griping is such a national pastime here in Germany, and whether there's a way out? Daniela Nagel and Heike Abidi take on exactly these questions in their book Achtsam jammern (roughly, "Mindful Complaining"). They look at the topic from every angle and help us set boundaries with our own rants and with other people's barrages of complaints, while still staying empathetic in both directions.

Because here's the thing: complaining is part of life. It's a valve for letting off frustration, anger, and stress, and sometimes it even clears your head for a while. But what happens when we stay stuck in the complaining spiral, when negative thoughts run our thinking and feeling, and we pull ourselves and everyone around us deeper and deeper into an everything-is-awful mindset? Then what?! Author Daniela Nagel wrote a guest post for us on the topic. Here it is:

When you're completely exhausted, trying to nurse your baby while helping your schoolkid with homework, the daycare germs have moved in for good, and you don't even have the energy to fill out the application for a Mutter-Kind-Kur (a mother-and-child health retreat in Germany), let alone pack a suitcase for it, there's one thing that definitely won't help:

“Enjoy it, they grow up so fast.”

Honestly, sometimes I do get wistful when I think that none of my kids, who are now very much grown, will ever wake me in the middle of the night and snuggle up next to me again (them coming home from a party is a different story 😉), that I'll never again read the same book for the hundredth time, or have someone miss me so badly that they want to be picked up the second I unlock the front door.

And still, I remember very well what it felt like to be wiped out and want nothing but to complain. About sleepless nights, feeling overwhelmed, the chaos, the worries. Preferably with friends who were going through the exact same thing. If a deliberate sigh has been shown to bring relief, imagine how good it is to complain together. And I mean really complain.

How Long Is a Trouble Shared a Trouble Halved?

At first, a trouble shared really does feel like a trouble halved. We feel understood, we get to release some pressure, and in the best case we encourage and inspire each other. It gets problematic when our conversations never get past complaining or being complained at. I remember situations in (mom) groups that turned into a competition over who had it worst.

Once the main thing a group has in common is collectively griping, tunnel vision sets in fast. That's one reason I'm only lukewarm about the hashtag #authenticmotherhood. At least when it isn't just an honest look at the hard parts, but turns into accusing every relaxed mom of hypocrisy or naivety.

When complaining means all our attention is stuck on the burden and we miss the good stuff, it's just as unhelpful as toxic positivity. Sugarcoating everything doesn't help. Trashing everything doesn't either, and it drains energy from us and from whoever is listening.

So What Does Mindful Complaining Look Like as the Happy Medium?

First, pause and listen to yourself and to others. How much am I focusing on my reasons to complain? Do I even want to change anything, or just blow off steam? How often do I feel like the emotional dumping ground in a conversation? Do I let myself get talked at nonstop? We all know the people who spend half an hour telling you how awful things are for them, then suddenly have an urgent appointment the moment you want to share your own troubles.

And when we're in a crisis ourselves, we lose perspective fast. I've definitely gotten lost in the complaining tunnel more than once, and I was grateful for a (friendly) kick in the pants that helped me see things differently.

Look at What You Really Need

Sometimes we complain excessively because we learned as kids to always look for what's wrong. Just questioning how we were raised can help. That goes for those of us who insist everything's totally under control even when we're running on fumes.

But what do I really want when I complain? (This isn't about calling out real problems clearly.) To belong? If you tell a playgroup that your baby sleeps ten hours straight, is always in a good mood, and wolfs down homemade parsnip puree like it's chocolate pudding, you risk being left out or at least eyed with suspicion.

Especially odd is the habit of complaining so we don't make other people jealous. You can go on and on about the difficult birth, the sore nipples, or the lack of time as a couple, but someone who's longing for a child (and hasn't gotten one) won't hear all that and think, great, glad I'm spared. Listening sincerely and toning down how much we gush about our own good fortune can do the relationship good in those situations. So can being happy for the other person even when that same kind of happiness hasn't come to us.

The wish for attention, recognition, or help can also push us to complain, often in the form of accusations. “I do everything by myself.” “Nobody has it as hard as I do.” Usually that changes very little, and it's certainly not our job to train the (grown) people around us, but clear communication is our responsibility.

When You Can't Stand Hearing the Complaining Anymore…

For me, it started with a conversation in which I felt the person I was talking to was fixating, in an unhealthy way, on the problems in their life. It made me want to dig deeper into the topic. After all, I'm not free of whiny moments myself, and I realized a long time ago how much power our thinking and speaking have over our lives. Our brains constantly try to confirm our (pre)judgments, and less drama in how we think and talk automatically means fewer reasons to complain.

Don't worry, a good vent now and then can be healing. But getting rid of the reasons for complaining (together) and turning our focus to what's going well makes life nicer and works better. And complaining about things we either can't change or don't want to change is a waste of time anyway.

Looking back at the toughest moments with five kids over a span of eleven years, complaining has never actually made a situation better. Humor, calm, clear communication, and taking a deep breath first have. It's not always easy, but luckily I never even tried to do it perfectly. Mindful complaining is enough.

With that, I wish you lots of confidence, calm where you need it, boundaries where you need them, and as few reasons to complain as possible.

Yours, Daniela

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Quiz and Online Complaining Fast

If you used to love filling out those personality quizzes in magazines, you'll probably have fun with the complainer-type quiz. And for even more input and conversation, there's an online Complaining Fast starting May 4, 2026: five punchy 45-minute Zoom sessions with the authors on
May 4, May 11, May 25, June 1, and June 8 at 7:00 p.m. German time (always Mondays), with optional further conversation in a private Facebook group. Sign up here (Please check your spam folder, or email Daniela directly at [email protected] if it doesn't go through right away.)