I'm a Mom of Three and My Boyfriend Is 11 Years Younger

Friends, Nathalie of wunderhaftig (you can find her here on Instagram) is head over heels in love… and she never thought that would happen to her again as a mom of three. Her new boyfriend is 11 years younger than she is, so there's an age gap, and the people around her have opinions about it. Does the age difference matter in the relationship itself? Was it clear right away that the two of them were meant to be? Nathalie tells us all about it.

Dear Nathalie, you're completely smitten. Tell us about the man who stole your heart…

I think the first thing I noticed about him was how easy everything suddenly felt. No games, no guessing, no constantly wondering what he meant by this or that. He's an incredibly loving, attentive, emotionally intelligent person, and very self-aware.

He listens, he thinks things through, and he lets me feel every single day how much I matter to him. And that's even though I'm his first real girlfriend, so he had never experienced a relationship like this before.

What surprised me most, probably, was that I had no idea how much room for improvement there could still be in a relationship. A lot of things I now take for granted, I simply never had before.

So, you two aren't the same age, and there's an age gap. Tell us about that, and what worries you may have had yourself…

He's almost 11 years younger than I am. Of course I had doubts at the beginning. Not because the age difference really bothered me, but because I knew it might bother other people.

My first thought was honestly: What will people say? My second: Can this even work long term? And somewhere deep down, of course, was the question of whether a younger man could really be interested in a woman with three kids, and whether he was really serious.

But questions like “What if he wants kids of his own someday? Will I be too old by then, or will I even want more?” were on my mind pretty early on. In a situation like ours, I think you should settle that question early.

In a relationship with a smaller age difference, it probably wouldn't have come up until much later. In the end, though, it spares both people disappointment. Looking back, almost all of it was stuff that played out in my head far more than in our relationship.

How did the people around you actually react when they heard he's 11 years younger? What did the kids say?

The reactions really ran the whole range. Everything from “Who cares?” to “Do you really think this can work?” and “Do you honestly believe he's serious?” Some people found it exciting, some found it unusual, and some had very strong opinions.

Funnily enough, I already had friends who were dating or partnered with much younger men themselves. My kids, though, were way more relaxed about it than a lot of the adults. To them, age wasn't an issue at all. What mattered much more was how he treats them and whether I'm happy. Kids often care surprisingly little about the things adults wear themselves out over for hours.

Is the age gap still an issue for you two, in your relationship?

Really only when other people make it one. I notice that mostly on social media, which is why I want to point out that these prejudices are obviously still very much alive. In our everyday life, it doesn't play a role.

We deal with the same things as every other couple: closeness, trust, communication, growing together, plans for the future, and sometimes who takes out the trash or does the kitchen. Those eleven years are a lot more present on paper than in our real life.

I think a big reason is that we have so many interests in common. Going out, hitting raves and festivals, traveling, seeing as much of the world as we can. We have so much we still want to do, and age really is beside the point.

Why do you think a big age gap is considered normal when the man is older, but not when the woman is?

Because as a society we've simply gotten used to it. An older man with a younger woman has been seen as completely normal for decades. The man is the experienced one, the one with security and status. That picture is still deeply rooted in a lot of minds.

With an older woman and a younger man, people often question why she's doing it, whether she's having a midlife crisis, or whether it can even work. Maybe it also has to do with the fact that women's roles have changed.

Women today are much more independent. They don't automatically need an older partner to provide for them or give them a sense of security. Many women choose much more deliberately now who fits them, whether or not it fits an old role model.

In the end, we're talking about the same thing: two adults who chose each other. I find it fascinating how differently we judge the exact same situation depending on whether the man or the woman is older.

How did you meet? Did you know right away: THIS is it?

We met on Bumble. And if you ask me whether I knew right away that this was the big love, the answer is a clear no. Quite the opposite, actually. We started out with really nice contact. We wrote back and forth, got along well, and talked about our passions, techno and travel. But then he suddenly ghosted me for five weeks, and I was actually about to unmatch him because I figured: he's just like all the others.

Luckily, I didn't. Today I know that his silence had personal reasons and nothing to do with me, because eventually he did get back in touch. At first with just a “Hi, how are you?”, which I ignored.

Then came another message explaining why he'd gone quiet for so long. We started talking again, and this time everything unfolded differently. We met for the first time soon after, and we've been inseparable ever since.

Looking back, I'm almost glad our story didn't start out perfectly. Maybe because it reminds me that real life rarely works like a romantic movie. There was no sudden “This is the man of my life.” But there was this feeling that here was someone who made everything feel surprisingly easy and who accepts me exactly as I am. With everything that comes with that. And that feeling only got stronger over time.

You talk openly about your story on Instagram, and you say you've never had a man treat you like this. Do you think that might be a generational thing?

Honestly, I don't think you can pin it on age like that. There are men in their early twenties who are incredibly self-aware emotionally. And there are men in their fifties who run from every difficult conversation. And the other way around, too. What I experience with my partner has much more to do with his personality than with his birth year.

You split from the father of your kids after 15 years. How do you remember the acute phase of the breakup and the time afterward? Did you ever think you'd never find anyone again with three sons in tow?

When it was clear that a breakup was unavoidable and the relationship had no future, I was simply devastated at first. I cried a lot, I was desperate, and of course I wondered how things would go from here.

Fifteen years is a long time, after all, and you experience and build so much together in those years. Maybe we should have just tried harder and worked it out again? It was an emotional mess from start to finish. Mostly I felt sorry for the kids. I think we stayed together longer than we should have, partly for their sake.

Then came the fears about how I was supposed to manage everything alone. I honestly think I mourned the relationship itself, which had been crumbling for years anyway, less than I mourned the habit and the supposed security I'd felt safe in for so long. Not knowing what was ahead for me and the kids nearly drove me crazy. At that point I didn't have a steady job, so I was basically starting from scratch.

And yes, of course I also wondered whether any man would ever want me as a partner with three kids in tow. During the dating phase that followed, I was made to understand exactly that, more than once, directly or indirectly. Today I know that the right people don't look first at how many kids you have.

What would you want to tell, as encouragement, to all the moms who are in the middle of a breakup or starting over?

I think the most important thing is to give yourself time. You don't have to be strong right away. Or happy again right away, or know how everything will go. A breakup often means a whole life you built over years falls apart. It's completely normal to be afraid. I was too.

What I know now: most of the things I was so afraid of never happened. And a lot of beautiful things happened that I never would have expected. That's why I wouldn't tell any woman she should leave. Everyone has to make that decision for herself. But I would tell her not to ignore her own needs for years. And that a new beginning is sometimes much less of an ending than it feels like in that moment.

After fighting for your relationship with your kids' father for so long, was there a key moment when you realized: I can't and don't want to go on like this?

There wasn't one big blowup, and there wasn't one fight after which I knew: now it's all over. After 15 years together and three kids, we had tried several times to work things out. For the kids' sake, because we'd been together so long, and because you don't just give up everything you've built together over that much time. But at some point I realized that things simply couldn't go on like this.

One day I went on my usual run to clear my head. And on that run, something happened that I never saw coming. A stranger, another jogger, spoke to me. I was drenched in sweat, wearing no makeup, and probably bright red in the face. Definitely not a moment when I was feeling particularly attractive.

He told me he thought I was cute and asked me out. I was completely blindsided. I never expected it and was just speechless, stammered around, and finally said only: “Sorry, I'm married.” He said a friendly goodbye and added that I should tell my husband he'd done everything right.

Only later did I understand what that encounter had set off in me. It wasn't about that man at all. He wasn't the reason my relationship failed. But he showed me something I had almost forgotten: that I'm not only a mom. Not only the person who functions, organizes, and is there for everyone. I'm also still a woman. I can still be seen and desired. And that was exactly the feeling I'd missed for so long.

That moment didn't make the decision for me. The decision was really already there. But it showed me how much I'd lost myself over the past few years. I ran home that day knowing: I can't go on like this. How I then tried to track down the jogger after my breakup is a story for another day 🙂