Wait, When Did My Teens Start Doing Everything Themselves?

Friends, I have kids ages 3 to 15, so the range in my house is pretty wide. My youngest still needs help getting dressed and can't fall asleep on his own. My nine-year-old still needs plenty of parental backup (“You have PE today” or “Don’t forget your jacket”). But my 12-year-old and my 15-year-old are slowly, truly becoming independent.

Take my oldest daughter’s class trip. Last year we sat in her room with the printed packing list, going over what she should bring, counting pairs of socks, and still cramming the rain jacket into the suitcase at the last minute. This year, when I went to offer my help, the suitcase was already packed. She’d downloaded the packing list from the school’s online learning portal, checked the weather, and even bought snacks for the bus ride. All I had left to say was, “Okay, great!”

Or take soccer practice. For years it was pure luck whether my son brought everything to practice and brought it all home again. I can’t tell you how many shin guards, water bottles, and practice pinnies I found around the house that were supposed to be in his bag. One time he left his cleats on the field after practice. And yes, he walked home in his socks and didn’t notice until he got there. For years this was a real source of conflict, because I just couldn’t understand how hard it was for him to keep track of his own things.

Those days are over. His soccer bag gets packed the night before, and in the entire last season he didn’t lose ONE thing. When I ask whether he has his rain jacket, I get a slightly annoyed “Yeeeaaahhh, I have it!” And when I ask, “Do you have your grass cleats?”, I get a “Nooooo, we’re playing on turf today!” (Yes, there are two different kinds of shoes for that!)

My two big kids make plans with friends completely on their own and look up bus and train connections by themselves. They’re both on time getting home 99 percent of the time, they remember their homework, and they keep their rooms clean. All those thousand reminders, the million requests we parents have made over the years, the ones we figured were pointless? Somewhere along the way they landed on fertile ground, and we’re slowly getting to enjoy the harvest.

Our Kids Are Becoming Independent

Sure, you could say, “Well, at 12 and 15 that’s normal,” and you’re probably right. But when you’re deep in the little-kid universe, with round-the-clock care, you can’t imagine a time when you won’t have to take care of EVERYTHING. And when that time comes, it actually feels strange at first. Letting go is something you have to practice. Can my kid really bike to practice alone? There are two big intersections… Do I really send my child on a teen trip when I know a lot of teenagers there will probably be drinking? Do I let my kid ride the bus or the city train alone in the evening?

Just like we had to read up on starting solids, getting used to daycare, and all the rest back in the baby days, we now have to figure it out step by step: how fast can we let go, and how much? That we have to is clear, because it’s the only way our kids can keep growing. That it isn’t always easy for us parents is clear, too.

If you have younger kids too, like I do, I want to encourage you. What you’re doing in the toddler years isn’t pointless. Some of it sticks. And watching your kids go out and take on their world is really fun!