Dear all, the issue of bullying is very important to us because we know how far-reaching the consequences of bullying are for those affected. According to data from the OECD, which was collected as part of the PISA 2022 study, just under seven per cent of all 15-year-old pupils in Germany are very frequent bullying. Twelve per cent are bullied by their classmates at least several times a month.
Nadine told us how bullying shapes victims right into adulthood. Her brother has a disability, and that made her a target for years of bullying. Today she is 41 years old and has two children, one of whom has a congenital speech disorder. That is why it is so important to her to raise awareness about bullying:
Dear Nadine, you have a brother with a disability. What kind of disability does he have?
My brother has hydrocephalus (a pathological enlargement of the brain ventricles caused by a build-up of cerebrospinal fluid (CSF), leading to increased pressure in the head), hypotonic muscles, so he uses a wheelchair, and he has traits of ASD (Autism Spectrum Disorder). Due to his hydrocephalus, he has a cognitive impairment; he can neither read nor write. At the age of 48, his mental development is at the level of a nursery school child.
How would you describe your relationship with each other during your childhood?
I am seven years younger than my brother; it’s just the two of us – we have no other siblings. My brother and I had a ‘normal’ sibling relationship. We played together, we argued and teased each other. We have many lovely shared memories of our childhood.
I have my parents to thank for that too. They always tried to make sure that my needs weren’t neglected whilst they were looking after my brother. ‘Mandatory appointments’, such as sessions with the psychologist or waiting around for therapy, were often combined with something positive: sometimes a trip to the playground, sometimes a stroll through town, or ‘alone time’ with the other parent.
My parents were very open about my brother’s disability. They always answered my questions or those of my friends honestly, in a way that was appropriate for children. My brother was fully integrated into our family and neighbourhood and was actually involved in everything.
When did you realise that your brother was different?
I can’t pinpoint an exact moment. I think it happened bit by bit… When I learnt to ride a bike and noticed that my brother had a therapeutic tricycle. Or when I saw the looks from strangers in town.
And then when I started primary school and learnt to read, write and do maths, but my brother couldn’t, that’s when it really hit home. I started reading books about disability very early on to understand it all better.
You told us that you were also bullied at school because of your brother. What exactly happened?
The bullying started in primary school. At the time, we lived in a small village with about 3,000 inhabitants. Everyone knew everyone else. There were children who said: „Your brother is so stupid, he shouldn“t have been born“.
In Year 2, I got into my first fight with a classmate in the school playground. For weeks, this classmate kept calling me ‘retard’, ‘cripple’ and many other nasty things – at school, but also whenever he saw me outside school. At some point, I fought back… My bike was broken several times, my jacket and rucksacks were stolen, always accompanied by insults directed at my brother.
When I started secondary school in the neighbouring village, unfortunately it carried on. The children from my village continued to tease me and scared off my friends, so that hardly anyone wanted to play with me. On the school bus, I was kicked whilst being told, “Then you can use your brother’s wheelchair too.” No one wanted to sit next to me anymore, asking, “Are you contagious?”
It went on like this until Year 10. I often had the school office ring home at lunchtime saying I had a stomach ache. It was an excuse so I wouldn’t have to take the bus. It all ended when I finished Year 10, as we all moved to different schools and I moved house shortly afterwards.
How did this bullying affect you as a child and teenager?
As a child, I learnt early on to be quiet, keep my head down and fit in. Above all, not to stand out and to put my own wishes last. It was always important to me to please everyone. That made it easier to bear. I also learnt to ‘bottle things up’ and deal with them on my own. I was always quick to apologise and felt guilty, even for things that weren’t really my fault. To this day, I still have rather low self-esteem.
Did you get no help at all from teachers?
I got help from teachers sometimes, sometimes not. As I endured a lot in silence, many teachers didn’t realise the full extent of it. In primary school, there were occasional discussions, but nothing changed. In Year 5/6, I had a brilliant class teacher who kept bringing up the issue of bullying. But after that, there was no help at all.
Did the bullying also affect your relationship with your brother?
Not in primary school, but during my teenage years it did affect our relationship. At times I was really angry, blaming him for my situation and my difficult life. Unfortunately, I also let him feel this through my cold and dismissive behaviour. But as I got older, and thanks to counselling, things got better again.
Does this difficult time still affect you today?
Definitely! I still have certain behaviours, such as constantly apologising. Also, the tendency to want to please everyone and put my own wishes last is, unfortunately, still there. But I’m working on myself, and through the Sibling Network for adult brothers and sisters of people with mental health conditions, I have a good support group.
If you were to meet one of your old bullies again today – what would you say to them?
Phew, that’s a difficult question… I’d probably ask them how they feel about that time and their behaviour in hindsight. And how they’d feel if someone did that to their children today…
