Married and Crushing on a Coworker: "I Love Them Both"

Hi, friends. Our reader says that unless you've been caught in a tangle like this yourself, it's hard to imagine. She's happily married, and she has a crush on her coworker, who shows her sides of herself she hadn't seen before. So far it's only looks, shared laughs, and compliments. Nothing more. But nothing less, either…

Tell us, how long have you and your husband been together?

We've been together almost 11 years, and married for 8 of them. It's just the two of us. We have no kids and no pets.

How would you describe the two of you as a couple if you looked at it from the outside?

On paper, we're the dream couple. We seem very harmonious together, we're very empathetic, and our friends love us. Acquaintances often tell me we're a cute couple. From the outside, that's how we look, too. Personality-wise, it's a 100% match. We get along great. We try to do a lot together, but we also give each other plenty of room for our own things. Still, it's sometimes a little difficult, like it probably is in every relationship.

For about a year now, there's been this thing that makes you feel pretty alive… you call it an "emotional affair despite a supposedly happy marriage." What exactly does that mean?

Yes, that's true. Another man came into my life, and he has stirred up a lot in me. We've known each other a whole year now. The feelings were somehow there from the start and got more intense over time. He feels the same way I do, and we're drawn to each other like magnets. I can't imagine my life without him anymore, because I've grown too attached to him, and he has to me, too. You could almost call it love. Even though that makes everything very complicated.

How did it start?

We only knew each other in passing from work, and we kept running into each other in the building or at the front door when I was coming or going. There was this particular look, this curiosity, this smile. It went on like that for quite a while, and I had an uneasy feeling about it. I didn't want to send the wrong signals. I'm married, after all, and you just don't do that. So one day I messaged him and asked if we could talk. He said "yes" right away and made time.

We ended up spending a whole hour outside, and I was pretty nervous when I told him I was married. I just wanted to make that clear so our encounters would be easier from then on, and so it was clear that nothing was going to happen. But we switched topics quickly in that first conversation and ended up talking about vacations, hobbies, everything under the sun. It was just wonderful. It was somehow clear fast that we wanted to do it again, and so many, many walks followed, during every one of our lunch breaks.

Describe how you felt right at the beginning.

In the beginning we were both pretty nervous, but I felt really comfortable from the start. Everything felt so incredibly familiar, and we could tell each other anything. I felt like we'd known each other forever. That feeling is just indescribably beautiful. Finally, someone sees you. Someone is interested in you. Listens to you down to the smallest detail and remembers things, flatters you, pays you compliments, desires you, gazes at you longingly, finds you sexy, just thinks you're great! I enjoy that feeling so much. It's somehow totally addictive, and I wanted more and more of it.

What has the crush brought to your everyday life? Do the butterflies give you wings? Have you even become a more relaxed wife?

I just feel great and sexy. It has a big effect on my self-esteem, and I'm much happier and calmer. I'd say I got to know myself all over again, I rediscovered myself. Things I had long forgotten came back to the surface, and I started to live and enjoy life.

The best part is that I discovered my own "loud" laugh, because I had never really laughed before. I'm a pretty quiet person, and I laughed quietly. When I discovered it, I was very surprised that it was even possible. I feel like a completely different person when I'm with him. Somehow I'm different, and a little bit of a stranger to myself. I think there's still plenty more to discover.

How else have you changed?

I've learned a lot, and my perspective on things has changed hugely because of it. I don't judge people anymore, and I don't pass judgment on situations before I've experienced them myself. Because it's become clear to me that you can't. Nobody who isn't or hasn't been in this situation will ever be able to understand it. My relationship with my mom has also gotten so much better. I'm a child of divorce myself, and I couldn't understand it for a long time, and suddenly a lot of things became clear to me. I suddenly see things differently.

How do you pull this off logistically so nobody notices?

We always meet around our work schedules. A walk during lunch break, or between the end of the workday and whatever I have scheduled afterward. We use every minute to see each other somehow. Mostly it's 30 to 60 minutes that we can squeeze in. Sometimes, if it gets a little later, I make a quick alibi shopping trip before I drive home. But I always make sure it doesn't get too late and that I don't end up having to explain myself. There have also been "official" meetups that I told my husband about, like when we wanted to go out to eat or meet for coffee on a weekend afternoon. I just can't do that too often, because otherwise it raises questions with my husband.

You call it a happy marriage, "on paper." So what is it that you're missing?

Until I met him, I always thought everything was great between my husband and me. We get along well, we're harmonious, we love each other, and we share the same sense of humor. It just works.
But I've realized that's not everything. I miss so much more. Somehow everything that makes me feel better with the other man. That desire, that longing. That feeling of finally being seen. And of course the sex.

That has really dropped off, and it's a big issue between us. And then there are shared activities and the enthusiasm for lots of little things that my husband, unfortunately, doesn't share with me. My coworker does. I noticed how much I actually miss, but before, I hadn't registered it or I'd simply accepted it. Or I just kept functioning and kind of forgot about myself along the way. And it really comes down to so many little things.

Some time has passed now. You still have a crush. Is more happening between you these days? Do you long for the other person in everyday situations?

Over time, things escalated a little at a time. In the beginning we only greeted and said goodbye with words, then came little squeezes and little touches. The hugs got more and more intense. At some point he just took my arms and threw them around his neck. Since then the hugs have somehow been warmer and longer, too. There was also the occasional little kiss on the cheek, but only when something really special happened. That didn't happen very often.

Today it's just lots of lovely, intense hugs, almost like being held. But we hold back a lot. We both know that anything else would be wrong, and I'm very grateful to him for not trying anything, even though both he and I would like to. We talk very often about our situation and how crazy it all is. That helps me a lot to put things back into perspective.

Do you sometimes feel guilty, or imagine what would happen if it came out?

Of course! I've played out dozens of scenarios in my head. In every possible combination. And of course I wish I could live it out, but I also know what I could lose. I'm aware that I'm taking a big risk, and yet I do it, and I also know that someday it will all come out. Either we get caught, my husband gets wind of it, or it bursts out of me because I can't stand the guilt anymore.

I don't even know why I keep going. I just can't help it, because I don't want to miss either one of them. It's a great feeling to be "loved" by two men equally. And then I tell myself, "But we're not doing anything." I have nothing to blame myself for. And I can't help my feelings. They're just there. But of course the guilt is always, constantly present, and I'm often in a huge emotional mess, desperate and not knowing what to do.

I feel pretty lost then, because I don't know what I should do. And then I ask myself, "Do I even have to do anything?" Can't I just leave everything the way it is? But I know that at some point this little spell between us will be over, and that it's only for a while. If these stupid feelings didn't exist, you could see it differently. You could write it off as a normal friendship, and everything would be so much easier. You could meet whenever you wanted and as often as you wanted.

If you could wish for something for your future, what would it be?

Clarity. I wish I could figure out what I even want and what's good for me. Or that someone else would take care of that for me. Because obviously I can't make decisions here, and I don't want to lose anyone. And of course I'd love to have both and live both. It's just that, unfortunately, we live in a world where monogamy is a really big deal. Maybe that will change someday.