I Turned 45 With My Feet in the Sand. Here's What's on My Mind

Hi, friends. Two days ago I turned 45, and I did it on vacation. Feet in the sand, sun on my skin, summer break. Finally. A new year of life has begun, half of 2026 is already gone, and that's exactly why I reread my 2025 year-in-review, where I also wrote down what I was hoping for in 2026 (you can read it here).

At the end of last year, I struggled a lot with how stuck things felt at work. Nothing really clicked, I didn't know where I belonged, and I didn't know what I even wanted anymore. Has that changed in the last six months? Only halfway, to be honest.

I did quietly write a book (and wow, was I scared, because it was the first time without Lisa), and I started my Pilates instructor training. But another big project I was really hoping for hasn't gone anywhere. And the second half of the year isn't exactly booked solid with work either, and I still haven't found anything that truly fulfills me for the long haul.

What has changed is my attitude toward all of it. I used to panic about it. I felt down, sad, disappointed. In the first half of this year, I handled it much better. I was kinder to myself and trusted that my path would keep unfolding somehow.

Most of all, I'm so grateful for all the good things in my life: my family, my marriage, my friends. We're healthy, and we don't lack anything essential. I spent a lot of time with the kids, because our oldest is getting ready to leave the nest, and I treasure every moment we have together.

45: What a Wild Number

So now I'm 45, and honestly, that number made me gulp. Our friends have already thrown the first 50th birthday parties, and it still hasn't really sunk in. I'm heading toward 50? My friends are 50? I remember when my mom turned 50, and she seemed so much more “grown-up” than we do…

I know there are things in my life I won't achieve the way I imagined I would as a young woman. Some doors have closed, some trains have left the station. That's life. But I've also experienced so much that surprised me and made me really happy. That's life, too.

Last fall, I spent a few days in Portugal with my sister, and we met a pair of brothers in their mid-60s and had a really fun evening together. We talked about life, who does what, what's challenging us right now, and one of the brothers said he'd learned this: “If it doesn't come naturally, let it go.” Or, put another way: don't force it, let go. That saying has stuck with me and done a lot for me.

It doesn't mean you shouldn't go all in, or burn for something, or put in the effort. But if it just isn't working, if it just won't come together, if it doesn't feel good, then say goodbye to it. Maybe life has something else in mind for you. This sentence often helps me when I think I have to push something through at all costs. It helps when I'm annoyed that something isn't working out, and it helps me be patient with myself.

45. It's kind of a wild number. Sometimes I can't wrap my head around it. I was just in my early 30s! The biggest realization of the last few years is how lucky I've been in life. Because yes, a lot of it was simply luck.

And to finish, here's a short list of things I did NOT manage in my 45th year of life:

• Alternating hot and cold showers (I hate cold water)
• Opening a bag of chips and eating only half (no chance, I inhale chips)
• Making my bed in the morning (on a good day, I smooth out the comforter)
• Going for regular facials (it's just too expensive for me)
• Letting my hair grow longer
• Reading more
• Getting my bloodwork checked
• Replacing dairy milk (I just like my coffee with regular milk…)
• Finding a whole new kind of professional fulfillment

And things I really did manage well last year:

• Going for walks
• Drinking lots of water
• Quality time with my husband
• Seeing my siblings regularly
• Not shopping on impulse, and actually asking myself whether I really need something
• Being there for the kids
• Being a good friend
• Stepping out of my comfort zone and standing up to impostor syndrome
• Judging myself less for everything that isn't working, and seeing everything that is