Control Freak or Go-With-the-Flow? The Teen Years Test Both

Hey, friends, when you get right down to it, the teen years, like life, are really about control. Some people respond to the fact that the world can't be controlled by telling themselves: I don't have anything under control in the end anyway, so I'll let a lot of things just happen and let life surprise me.

Others respond by trying to get as much as possible under control. They're at the airport three hours before the flight, they pack every medication under the sun just in case, and they try to prepare in whatever way they can.

And if you're thinking “That sounds exhausting,” you don't know how these people feel when they have to let themselves be surprised (that's much more exhausting for them). They relax once every possibility has been thought through.

Some people relax by staying in control

Unlike the others, who start by assuming the best case: It'll work out. And if it doesn't, we'll see who can help us and how once we're there… These are just two very different ways of coping with the powerlessness that's unavoidable in life.

Which type are you, do you think? Or are you somewhere in between? Are you Team “I forbid my teen to go out at night,” or Team “Okay, but lock the door when you get home, because we'll be asleep by then…”?

Are you Team “Please tell me if you change locations or the plan changes,” or Team “All I need is for you to share your location on Snap Map or Find My, so if in doubt I can see where you are”? Are you Team “I'm writing myself a five-year plan” or Team “I like to stop and smell the flowers along the way”?

As you can see, which type we are has a big influence on how we guide our kids into adult life. Some people need everything at home perfectly tidy because there's already enough chaos in their heads. Others work in an incredibly structured way but let all kinds of things in the household fall by the wayside. And that's just one of thousands of examples.

And all of that is okay! No judgment here, just description. Because when we get clear on this and make ourselves aware of it, we can understand ourselves better, explain ourselves better, and reflect. And as soon as we do, we have more clarity, more explanations, less powerlessness. Human brains don't cope well with powerlessness!

So we look at how we can sort things out and keep them under control. And that's what this is about! Being able to act, and being able to rely on things. And in every case, what parents want most is for their teen to just come home safe.

On the Impossibility of Planning

When Katharina texted me Monday morning that daycare was supposed to start up again but her youngest had come down with a fever just the night before, that was another loss of control. You schedule everything for that day, you look forward to typing a few sentences into the computer without interruption and getting a little work done, and then this.

And don't our kids check on where we are from the time they're little? Mommy? Mommy, where are you, what are you doing, where are you going? Over the course of our lives we learn strategies for dealing with that. And it's fascinating to see who goes into hypercontrol and who goes into trusting that it'll all somehow work out. It has to do with childhood experiences, too!  

So at every age, we're dealing with losses of control, and with figuring out how we handle them and what conclusions we draw. What would you say you are? And please tell us in the comments how you deal with that feeling of losing control when your teens are out on the town at night or away at camp…