Parenting With Dignity (Mostly) Intact

Hi, friends! Laughing together beats despairing alone, right?! So today we want to introduce you to THE ultimate relaxation book for parents. It's called “In Würde Eltern” (roughly, “Parenting With Dignity”), and it comes from Matthias Jung, whom you probably know as an expert on the teen years.

This time, though, he goes all the way back to the beginning. Lean back. It still feels very, very good now that your kids are bigger. Thanks for your guest post, Matthias!

PARENTING WITH DIGNITY

Congratulations, you're parents! Which makes you magicians, jacks-of-all-trades, superheroes. No problem for you to sleep for years in the tiniest of spaces in wild positions, to conquer endless mountains of laundry, and to hear whether a silence is peaceful or dangerous. Unbelievable!

We're millipedes, always running, making, and doing. We're physically strong (groceries, kid, and car seat all in one hand, four flights up, no problem! We can even drag an overstuffed stroller through the sand at the beach.)

Let's face it: we could work as survival trainers. Whatever extreme adventure day a company like Jochen Schweizer (Germany's answer to a thrill-seeker gift card) offers, parents can handle it with one hand tied behind their backs. Rafting, bungee jumping? We just laugh. A stomach bug at 3 a.m. with a sleepover guest? That's where heroes are born.

But we also notice something: as parents, we're home all the time, yet we get homesick for our wonderful past. You know, the one that's, well, in the past. For freedom, for making our own decisions, for room to breathe, for hot coffee, and, yes, you've guessed it, an uninterrupted shower. You've got to celebrate every drop you get. Sometimes a little relaxation would be nice.

Once, when I was sitting on the toilet, my daughter came running in and locked the door from the inside. Then she said, like she was doing me a huge favor: “So you can have some peace and quiet, Dad!” Thanks a lot, sweetheart.

I'm sending a hug to every mom who cries in secret more often than she laughs. Who needs a pressure valve, a break, several times a day, and who got loud even though she never wanted to. Who would love to crank the “quiet” way up again. Yesterday I told my son, “You're good just the way you are!” Then I thought: “We're allowed to say that to ourselves as parents, too.”

And to actually believe it, take it to heart, and live it. Because only then is that sentence truly valuable for us and for our kids. So how do we relax? Once, when I had a brief moment to myself and thought about working out, my couch threw itself protectively underneath me. Thanks for that. We parents often find unusual ways to unwind.

We're allowed to celebrate things, namely those quiet moments that people without kids would never in their lives celebrate. An MRI (20 minutes of quiet), a teeth cleaning (30 minutes of quiet), a waiting room with no appointment (90 minutes). There have been parents who even kept it to themselves that they're privately insured (in Germany, private patients usually get seen faster), just to enjoy the perks of a waiting room.

Our kids are allowed to see us with feelings, mistakes, and impatience. As long as that stays the exception and the “big picture” is a caring, loving, attentive parent, everything's fine. So first and foremost, we need to cut ourselves some slack, because as parents we can't be perfect, and we're not supposed to be.

We can't be perfect: we will forget to pick the kids up from daycare, forget to pack their rain gear, put apple leftovers in the lunchbox, never swap out the spare clothes, pinch our kid's skin in the bike helmet strap (ouch), and suddenly the laundry has been sitting in the washer for two days. And our partner and the care work? Who cares?

By the way, in Germany parental leave is called “Elternzeit,” literally “parent time,” and for dads and for everyone else, it is not free time for parents. “Kid time” would fit better. Whoever came up with the term “Elternzeit” surely had no kids. It only creates confusion. Probably the same person who put an “S” in the word “lisp.” Or the one who named the bed a “box SPRING,” as if kids needed the hint.

But once more for everyone: we're on parental leave, not on time off! In the end, when you break it down, it seems so simple: two adults make an agreement together about how to split the time. And nobody from outside needs to weigh in on that.

Even when the woman goes out for a night on her own, the comments come: “Oh, is Dad watching the kids?” No! He's not a babysitter, he doesn't get paid for it. He's simply a father who's with his kids. And the other parents? We're allowed to realize that what others think of me has nothing to do with what I can do, what I make, what I do, and what I think. Other people's thoughts run on a different channel. We're not tuning in anymore.

Our parenting always has value, but it doesn't need to be judged by others. That family does it this way, we do it this way. Yes, every family has sole custody of its own parenting. Just for itself. And we don't let anyone butt in. Long story short: many of the parents you meet are fighting a battle right now that you know nothing about. Nothing at all. With themselves, with their partner, with daily life, with their child…? Please. Just be kind. Always.

My book “In Würde Eltern” is absolutely NOT for moms and dads for whom everything always was and is great. Because, right, they don't exist. Where would all that smug sunshine come from? It's for moms and dads who doubt themselves and the world, and who despair. Who know by the end: this book is my book. This is a book about me. I could have written it exactly the same way.

Always remember: you are always a normal mom. You are always a normal dad. And you always have a normal kid.