Sorry, Kids: No Sleepovers at Our House

Lisa's kids have discovered sleepovers. Why can't she allow them at her own house? She explains…

"Mom, can I sleep over at Anna's tonight? She's having a pajama party with 13 girls." "Sure, you can go," I say. And if I were a cartoon character, steam would now start coming out of my ears, and a thought bubble would pop up over my head filled with skulls and crossbones and exploding springs. Thirteen girls? All night? Nobody's going to sleep a wink! That would never happen at my house.

To understand the alarm bells going off in my head, you need to know that after three kids in two years, twins included, I was left with a moderate case of sleep-deprivation trauma from those first baby years. My sleep has been sacred to me ever since. Back then I got woken up as many as 18 times a night, and at some point I couldn't tell whether it was day or night. The kids certainly didn't care which it was. And I was so tired, day and night, that my whole brain felt sticky, like chewing gum.

Besides, I've always been a light sleeper. One strange noise and I'm sitting straight up in bed. My husband once called me "the Sleeping Saint," because in the baby days he'd wake up in the morning and say, "Well, that was a good night," and I'd surprise him with, "Yes, except for the five nursing wake-ups." Eventually he decided I wasn't really sleeping at all, just drifting in some kind of twilight state that made me snap awake at every sound and soothe the kids. The fact that I could still pull that off on night 425 earned me the "saint" part. I'd call it mother's instinct. But it's still unusually strong today.

I can't relax when we have an extra kid staying over. I sleep badly because I don't know if the guest might get homesick. Or sleepwalk down our stairs. Or get thirsty. I'm responsible, after all! So I always have one ear tuned to the kids' room, and it wears me out. I never really settle. The problem is clearly me.

The idea of having not just one more kid in the house overnight on top of our own three, but 13, honestly makes me shudder. Sure, there's the romantic picture of a bunch of kids on mattresses, snuggled in their pajamas under their blankets, heads together, all drifting happily off to sleep. In reality, 13 girls will giggle until 3 a.m. and then be standing at your bedside again at 7 a.m. Completely wrecked for the next three days.

And if they don't do that and really do fall asleep at ten (hahaha!), then I really don't see the point of a sleepover. They're just sleeping! You wouldn't even notice your friend was there, right? Or is the real point secretly staying up? That may be lovely for the kids, but for us parents?

Maybe my lack of understanding simply comes from the fact that I was a homesick kid myself. Until I was 13, I didn't want to sleep anywhere else. I tried again and again and never made it through the night. So all I associate with sleepovers is missing my mom, and maybe that's why I can't quite see what's so great about sleeping in a stranger's bed in someone else's house. The fact that at 15 I said goodbye and left for a year abroad as an exchange student, with not a trace of homesickness in sight, just shows me that these things can change. Who knows, maybe two years from now I'll be talking very differently about sleepovers at our place. I don't rule it out. But for now, I need my sleep at night.

Everyone is truly welcome at our house. During the day, six kids, or 13 for all I care, can play and tear through the yard. I often put my own needs behind the kids', gladly, rearranging plans and trying to make as much as possible happen for everybody. But at night, I want my peace and quiet. And I stand my ground, even though it recently shocked our youngest son's three best friends. They had already told their parents about a sleepover at our house, saying, "Lisa lets you do anything anyway." When they heard a "no" from me, they couldn't believe it. Why on earth not?

I didn't explain to them that I can only be this permissive and patient during the day because I get my sacred sleep at night. I just checked in with their parents and was totally honest: sleepovers? Not at our house, please. So we agreed that the kids would play at our place until evening, and then take a night walk over to a friend's house. I'd go with them and get my peace and quiet that night. The other mom was thrilled, because "they sleep at night anyway." And I was even happier, because after a whole action-packed day with the kids, I'd get my much-longed-for sleep.

 

This piece originally appeared in the German magazine Eltern Family.

Photo: pixabay