Dear ones, three years ago we spoke to Kim about her daughter Emma. Emma was 15 years old at the time and hadn’t lived at home since she was 9. Emma was very aggressive and at some point the family could no longer cope with her tantrums. Kim said at the time: „When I saw the film System Crasher, it made me cry so much. So much looked familiar to me. I could also understand the mother in the film. This powerlessness, this fear of the next aggression, I know that too“
In the last interview, Kim told us very honestly how difficult it was to let her daughter move out, how much shame is involved and that she often blames herself a lot. (You can read the whole interview HERE). We wanted to know how the family is doing today and asked for an update.
Dear Kim, when we last interviewed you, your daughter was 15 years old. What has this coming of age done to you emotionally?
Emma’s coming of age was and is associated with a lot of ups and downs for me. It is quite clear that children become big children, adults. But with Emma it is of course something special for us again. She says herself that she’s grown up now and no longer lets us take part in everything. Sometimes that hurts, sometimes it fills you with a bit of worry. Will everything go well? Does she have her diabetes under control? What will happen next? Emma is now 19 and I’ve calmed down a bit over the year. But a little worry always remains…
In the last interview, Emma was still living in a shared flat with 6 other young people, which was good for her. Does she still live there?
Emma still lives in the shared flat and will stay there until at least next year. The measure was extended by the youth welfare office, as otherwise she could or would have had to leave the shared flat at the age of 18. But as she has just finished school and will be starting an FSJ in the region in the summer, she can still stay there.
We like it and are very grateful. We still keep in touch and meet up. She no longer comes home all the time, but it’s okay. We also like to meet up in neutral places, in towns in the neighbourhood. That’s completely okay for us.How is Emma doing in general?
Emma is doing well. She has now passed her exams. She doesn’t yet know whether she has passed her A-levels. Unfortunately, the oral exam in one subject wasn’t so good for her. For us, it’s not so important whether she passed her A-levels or not. She did her best and we just want her to do well.
She has also broken up with the boyfriend she had at her last interview. This boyfriend was not good for her and had strong narcissistic traits, which put her under a lot of psychological strain. She then had another boyfriend, but that wasn’t really good either. Now she is enjoying her single life again and the freedom that comes with it.
Emma is starting an FSJ at a special school in the summer and is really looking forward to it. Perhaps she will then do an apprenticeship in curative education or something completely different, such as a trade. She’s not quite sure yet.
You’ve just completed a whole series of tests. Would you like to tell us more about it?
There was always the question of whether the diagnosis of „attachment disorder“ was really the right one. I said early on that I actually thought Emma had Asperger’s autism or ADD. We were never believed, everything was questioned. Now the therapist that Emma has been seeing for some time has suggested another diagnosis. And I’m very grateful for that, because we’ve now been diagnosed with Asperger’s autism, ADHD, anxiety disorder, PTSD and associated depression.
Hard diagnoses, but now we know where to start. In this respect, Emma should also think carefully about her career choice. She will continue to work on this and may even consider a stay in hospital again.
What are the consequences of these diagnoses and what do they do to you emotionally?
In all honesty, the diagnoses hit me like a slap in the face. We now know what’s wrong with Emma, but it hurt so much to know that she’s been saddled with a huge burden all these years because she’s never been treated properly.
Even in primary school there were big problems and nobody could tell us how to deal with them properly. Her outbursts were meltdowns… that much we know now. The youth welfare office insinuated that we were making Emma sicker than she is, but now we know that she had been done a great injustice and that with the right help, her path might have been different.
Maybe she could have grown up at home with the right support and help. This realisation hurts a lot. Sometimes I think: „If only we had been more persistent…“ But now it’s important to look ahead.
Does Emma sometimes reflect on how difficult her childhood and youth were for her siblings and you?
As a couple, we often talk about it. We are now starting to talk to the siblings about Emma’s diagnoses. Of course, they should know what’s going on with Emma and why she reacted the way she did in the past. We are now slowly starting to work things through. However, as all the children „are grown up“ and only our son still lives at home with us, it will be a longer journey.
Emma unfortunately doesn’t really reflect on her behaviour yet. She tries to maintain a good relationship with her siblings, but she doesn’t always succeed. She still has a certain sense of competition with her brother in particular, which sometimes catches up with her and then breaks out strongly. Unfortunately, we haven’t been able to work this out yet.
Time will tell whether she can ever get rid of this competitive behaviour. We’ve never differentiated between the children, but she feels that way and it’s burnt itself into her soul. She has a good but relaxed relationship with her sisters.
How are you doing as a couple now?
We’re doing relatively well as a couple. We’re pulling together and that’s important. We give Emma the space she needs when she wants it. But she also knows that a door is always open with us as parents. We can concentrate on ourselves as a couple. I was able to start further training as an inclusion and integration specialist, as I now have the time and concentration I need for this.
In the last interview, you said that you often think you’ve done something wrong or that you feel ashamed – how do you deal with these feelings today?These feelings of shame and guilt still often take over me today. I don’t tell everyone that Emma doesn’t live with us. And if I do, I always try to justify it. I don’t think that will ever change.
I probably need to work on it too, to come to terms with it all, but I don’t have the strength yet. It’s comforting for me in these moments to know that she’s doing well in her current flat share and that she’s being looked after. She feels comfortable there and will even stay there after she comes of age. That gives me a bit of peace of mind again.
What have you learnt in the last three years?
I’ve learnt to let go of Emma. She’s now a young woman and, because she’s an adult, she decides things for herself. Sometimes it’s hard to stay calm, especially when you realise that her blood sugar levels are anything but good. But she is responsible for herself and has to learn to make her own decisions. I no longer have to take care of everything, which of course also takes a certain weight off my shoulders.
What would you like to say to parents who are experiencing something similar to what you did 10 years ago?
In any case, never give up! And push for a good and reliable diagnosis. We can now see how important it would have been for all of us. If you realise that you can no longer cope at home and that a child would be better off in a residential facility, please have a say and never let the youth welfare office intimidate you!
If the child then lives somewhere else, don’t be afraid or feel guilty. These feelings of guilt eat you up and rob you of all your strength. It’s better to invest this strength in the situation, i.e. with a view to a possible return or a healthy relationship with the child. This stability of the parents is very important for the children. And please never give up on your child, no matter how the path turns out.
