My Daughter Has Lived in a Group Home Since Age 9: An Update

Hi friends, three years ago we talked with Kim about her daughter Emma. Emma was 15 then and had lived away from home since she was 9. Emma was extremely aggressive, and at some point the family could no longer handle her rage outbursts. Kim told us: “When I watched the German movie System Crasher, I cried so much. So much of it felt familiar. I could even understand the mother in the film. That powerlessness, that fear of the next outburst of aggression, I know it too.”

In our last interview, Kim was very honest about how hard it was to let her daughter move out, how wrapped up in shame the whole thing is, and how often she blames herself. (You can read the full interview HERE.) We wanted to know how the family is doing today, so we asked for an update.

Dear Kim, when we last talked, your daughter was 15. Now she's a legal adult. What did that do to you emotionally?

Emma becoming an adult has been, and still is, full of ups and downs for me. Of course it's obvious that kids grow into big kids, and then into adults. But with Emma, it's naturally something extra for us. She says herself that she's an adult now, and she doesn't let us in on everything the way she used to. That hurts sometimes, and sometimes it fills you with a little worry. Will it all work out? Does she have her diabetes under control? What happens next? Emma is actually 19 now, and I've gotten a little calmer over the past year. But a small worry always remains…

At the last interview, Emma was living in a group home with six other teens, which was good for her. Is she still there?

Emma still lives in the group home and will stay at least until next year. The youth welfare office extended the placement, because otherwise she could have left at 18, or even would have had to. But she's just finishing her high school diploma (the Abitur, the German university-entrance exam), and this summer she'll start a FSJ in the area (a voluntary social service year, a bit like a gap year of service), so she can keep living there.

We think that's good, and we're very grateful. We're still in touch and we meet up. She doesn't come home all the time anymore, but that's okay. We also like to meet at neutral places, in towns nearby. That's completely fine with us.

How is Emma doing in general?

Emma is doing well. She's finished her exams. She doesn't know yet whether she passed. Her oral exam in one subject didn't go so well, unfortunately. For us, it's not that important whether she passed. She did her best, and we just want her to be okay.

She also broke up with the boyfriend she had at the time of the last interview. He wasn't good for her and had strong narcissistic traits, and it took a heavy psychological toll on her. After that she had another boyfriend, but that wasn't really good either. Now she's enjoying single life again and the freedom that comes with it.

This summer Emma is starting her volunteer year at a special education school, and she's really looking forward to it. Afterward she might train as a special-needs care worker (a vocational program in Germany) or do something completely different, like a skilled trade. She's not totally sure yet.

You've just been through a whole series of evaluations. Can you tell us more about that?

The question was always whether the diagnosis of “attachment disorder” was really the right one. I said early on that I actually suspected Asperger's autism or ADD in Emma. Nobody ever believed us, and everything was questioned. Now the therapist who has been seeing Emma for a while suggested another round of testing. I'm so grateful for that, because now we have the diagnoses: Asperger's autism, ADD, an anxiety disorder, PTSD, and a related depression.

Hard diagnoses, but now we know where to start. Given these, Emma should also think carefully about her career choice. She'll keep working on it and may also consider another inpatient stay.

What are the consequences of these diagnoses, and how do they make you feel?

Honestly, the diagnoses hit me like a slap in the face. We know now what's going on with Emma, but it hurt so much to realize she carried such a heavy burden all those years because she was never properly treated.

There were big problems as early as elementary school, and nobody could tell us how to deal with them appropriately. Her outbursts were meltdowns… that much we know now. The youth welfare office suggested we were making Emma out to be sicker than she is, but now we know a great wrong was done to her, and with the right help her path might have been different.

Maybe with the right support and help she could have grown up at home with us. That realization hurts a lot. Sometimes I think, “If only we'd been even more persistent…” But now what matters is looking ahead.

Does Emma ever reflect on how hard her childhood and teen years were for her siblings and for you?

As a couple, we talk about it often. With the siblings, we're just starting to talk about Emma's diagnoses. Of course they should know what's going on with Emma and why she reacted the way she did. Working through it is slowly beginning. But since all the kids are “grown” and really only our son still lives at home, it's going to be a longer journey.

Unfortunately, Emma doesn't really reflect on her behavior yet. She tries to keep a good relationship with her siblings, though she doesn't always succeed. With her brother especially, there's still a certain sense of rivalry that sometimes hits her hard and then breaks out forcefully. We haven't been able to work through that yet.

Whether she'll ever let go of this rivalry, time will tell. We never treated the kids differently, but she feels it that way, and it's burned into her soul. With her sisters she has a good but looser relationship.

How are you two doing as a couple these days?

We're doing relatively well as a couple. We pull together, and that matters. We give Emma the space she needs when she wants it. But she also knows that there's always a door open with us, her parents. As a couple, we can focus on ourselves. I was able to start a continuing-education program to become an inclusion and integration specialist, because I now have the time and mental energy for it.

In the last interview, you said you often think you did something wrong, or that you feel ashamed. How are you with those feelings today?

Those feelings of shame and guilt still overwhelm me often. I don't tell everyone that Emma doesn't live with us. And when I do, I always try to justify it. I don't think that will ever change.

I probably need to work on all this too, work through it, but I don't have the strength for that yet. What comforts me in those moments is knowing that she's doing well in her current group home and that people are taking care of her. She feels at home there. She's even staying beyond turning 18. That gives me a little peace again.

What have you learned in the past three years?

I've learned to let go of Emma. She's become a young woman, and now that she's an adult, she decides things herself. Sometimes it's hard to stay calm, especially when I find out again that her blood sugar is anything but good. But she's responsible for herself and has to learn to make decisions on her own. I don't have to take care of everything anymore, which of course takes a certain weight off my shoulders.

What would you say to parents going through something similar to what you went through ten years ago?

Never give up, absolutely! And push for a good, reliable evaluation. We see now how important it would have been for all of us. If you realize it's no longer working at home and your child would be better off in a residential facility, please have a say in it, and never let the youth welfare office intimidate you!

When your child lives somewhere else, don't be afraid or feel guilty. That guilt eats you alive and robs you of all your strength. It's better to put that strength into the situation, whether that means working toward a possible return home or simply a healthy relationship with your child. Parents' stability is so important for kids. And please never give up on your child, no matter how the path unfolds.