Dear all, it’s hard to imagine just how incredibly exhausting it is to look after young children 24/7 (that is, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week) unless you’ve experienced it yourself. When the days drag on like chewing gum and you long for the evening to come, because then you might finally have half an hour to yourself… Our reader Caro has two children, aged one and a half and four – and is right in the thick of it. We asked her about it:
Dear Caro, did you ever imagine that parenthood and 24/7 care could sometimes be so demanding?
No, never. Before you have children, you think you can just carry on with your life as normal and simply integrate the children into it. I really never thought children would change your life so much. And in every aspect. I didn’t know you could love so much, worry so much – but also be so exhausted.
What is it that exhausts you the most at the moment?
The older one has just turned four and goes to nursery; the little one is still at home with me – she’ll be starting nursery when she’s two. The children aren’t particularly good sleepers, so I never really wake up feeling refreshed. And from the moment you open your eyes, you’re already on the go. Making breakfast, changing nappies, getting them dressed, packing the nursery bag, dealing with the first tantrums, putting up with the frustration over why the shoes aren’t green but blue.
As soon as the older one is at nursery, I do the shopping and all the errands, take the little one to the doctor, do the laundry, and prepare lunch. ‘On the side’, I keep the little one in a good mood, play with her, then put her down for her afternoon nap. During that hour, I clean the kitchen, have a coffee, and by the time I’m done, she’s already awake again.
Then we pick up the older one, we go to the playground or for a walk, run some more errands, make dinner, play, have a bath, and put her to bed. And of course all the care work, the planning ahead, the parenting, setting boundaries, giving love, sorting out sibling squabbles – it’s just a hell of a lot. I can’t even count how many times a day I hear „Maaaamaaa“. The children are still quite small and need help with almost everything. It’s just crazy.
Where is the children’s father?
Yes, I’m often asked that. Why doesn’t Dad help out more and take on some of the load? My husband is a roofer and is often away on job sites for several days at a time, sometimes the whole week. Yes, it’s a family-unfriendly job and he could certainly retrain and do something else. But: don’t we all constantly complain that there aren’t enough tradespeople? Who’s going to build the houses, repair the roads, install the heating systems if there are no more tradespeople?
My husband has worked his way up from the very bottom; he loves his job and we rely on his salary. Whenever he’s at home, he does what he can. But the problem is simply this: he’s at home less than other dads.
Do you have any other support?
Unfortunately not. We don’t have any grandparents nearby and, in some cases, we’ve lost touch with them. Babysitters are too expensive; we can’t afford them on one salary. I could ask other mums for help, but I feel guilty about that. I think almost all mums are at their wits’ end – at least I don’t know any who say: „I’ve got so little to do that I’d be happy to take the children off your hands.“ I don’t want to be a burden to anyone.
What are you longing for?
Good question. I can’t answer that off the cuff, because my own needs are really taking a back seat at the moment. After giving it some thought, I’d say this: in the short term, I long for peace and quiet. In the longer term, I’m looking for a way forward with my career. I’m going back to work in six months’ time, but I have no idea how I’m going to manage that with two children. Maybe I need to reorient myself professionally, but I just don’t have the energy to deal with that right now.
Speaking of peace and quiet – I know exactly what you mean, that by the evening you’re just so exhausted you can’t even speak and don’t feel like it.
Yes, absolutely. All day long I hear „Maaaamaaaa“ and the little one cries and screams a lot when she wants something or doesn’t want something. The older one needs to talk after nursery and the children argue a lot too. There’s always noise all around me and by the evening I just realise that all I want is some peace and quiet. That’s why, for example, I can’t manage a phone call with friends in the evening. I don’t want to listen or talk anymore; I just want some peace and quiet.
How do you feel when others say: ‘Just enjoy the time, the children grow up sooo quickly!’
I do enjoy the time with the children too. That’s not the point at all. We also have lots of really lovely days and moments. I love being with them. And yet it’s exhausting. The lack of control and the fact that you’re completely responsible for two children. Making sure they eat enough, that their sandals fit, that their vaccinations aren’t forgotten, that they feel loved, that they go to bed clean, that they don’t have to be afraid at night, that the registration for the sports group is submitted on time, that they don’t hurt themselves whilst cycling – it’s madness.
It annoys me that all these tasks are often downplayed. Especially for mums who have no outside help, it’s simply a 24/7 job with no breaks. That’s crazy. And it’s important to acknowledge that!
