My Teen Won't Talk to Me, and It Feels Like Heartbreak

Hi, friends! We notice our kids changing when they suddenly give us weird looks, criticize us, challenge us, question us, and shut us out of their emotional lives with a "You wouldn't get it anyway." When they answer with a whatever shrug or are constantly annoyed, whether it's by the things we say and do, by our breathing, or by our very existence. We're being watched, tested, graded... and we slide into a case of the mom blues.

Mom Blues: Judged, Side-Eyed, Criticized

Anyone feeling seen yet? Does any of this sound familiar? Doesn't it feel a little like heartbreak sometimes? Don't you secretly ask yourself: Where did it go, that sweet little toddler with the pitter-patter feet who snuggled up to me during thunderstorms, who let me explain everything under the sun, who worshipped me and said she'd love us forever and never, ever move out? Do you think they turn out this way so that saying goodbye is easier on us later?

Kidding aside. Today let's look at how not to take it personally: the new (let's say distant) behavior, and the feeling of being pushed out of their world, their feelings and their school life. A first step is surely hearing that other parents go through this too, that they feel just the way you do! And I'm telling you, I hear it from so, so, so many moms. It's not just you.

The kids who were just climbing trees and yelling "Mom, Mom, look!" are now lying in bed. And lying there. Behind their bedroom door. And answering questions with noises instead of words. Whaddyawant? Sheeeesh. And if we could at least count on that! But there's so much uncertainty.

Because on a good day they suddenly come out and ask about the meaning of life, and gripe about their crappy school, and rant about some TikTok political account, and surprise us with a kiss in public. Huh?!?! Then it's weeks of radio silence again, during which mountains of dishes go missing. "Can you bring those down?" Chill.

It's all so unpredictable, and every day is a mystery box! Sometimes it's push and pull, like magnets. Impossible to read. Probably even for our kids! How hard this must be for them, too! Right? We don't actually know. We thought the baby phase was over, the one where we were always guessing what the little ones needed and what they might mean. Now it's back. Full throttle.

We feel our way closer, we let them send us out of the room, we worry about some vague nothing. Or is there something there? Is there pressure coming from the outside right now? Should we step in and help? Or is it all just a phase? What worlds are they wandering through at the moment?

"My kid was so lively until recently, and now she's basically fused to her bed. Her only contact is with her sheets and her phone," a friend told us the other day. And when she does go out, it's in a crop top and way-too-short everything. The school dress code bans crop tops, but nobody follows it. Then at the parent-teacher conference you suddenly hear that if things keep going like this, she'll barely scrape by with the lowest-level diploma. This was the kid with straight A's in elementary school!

Our Kids in Grump Mode and Monster Mode

Call it grump mode or monster mode, but wow, how much everything has changed! Were we like that? We didn't have cell phones back then... but did we also find our parents that embarrassing and make them drop us off two blocks away so nobody would see us together? Did we also shut down their questions right away and then tell them even less? A downward spiral?

Suddenly we're negotiating with people who are a head taller than we are, clearing away insecurities instead of building blocks, and walking the tightrope between "Leave me alone" and "I need you." How do we keep the door open when we keep getting slammed in the face? How do we stay conciliatory instead of thinking "Well, you asked for it"? How do we pull off the balancing act between pointing the way and respecting them, between not overstepping and still not losing them completely?

Which battles are we willing to fight? Do we put up with a 13-year-old's meltdown before school because we asked him to change his sweatshirt and it wrecked his gelled hair, or is the bad mood just not worth it? Where do we draw our own lines? I'll do it in a minute. "No, now." End of the world.

How do we stay the rock that doesn't budge when the waves hit? How do we stay optimistic when graduating is in doubt? How do we stand it when we see that other parents still get hugs? Maybe by knowing who we are. By having clear values and convictions we can fall back on when we're the target of criticism. And by asking ourselves: Is this situation a matter of life and death, or not?! And always with heart and empathy, as corny as that sounds.

A sweatshirt that doesn't match the pants may simply not be worth the door slamming in the morning. We can take their taste seriously and just smile it off. But if drugs are involved, or radicalization online, we have to take action.

And say your kid drops their phone in the pool at a party. If we skip the "Your own fault, figure out where you'll get the money to replace it" and say instead, "Oh crap, I'm so sorry, I know how much that phone means to you, let's see if we can save it in a bag of rice," that can make a lasting difference. No "told you so." Compassion.

And that also means no soccer ban for bad grades. Instead it's, "I'm so sorry. Take your feelings out on the field first, work it off, and then I'll be crossing my fingers so hard that you still get promoted to the next grade." In the end it's about the attitude underneath: I'm always here for you. You can count on that.

(Meant as a basic attitude, not for every specific situation, of course. Because if the greeting is "You have bad breath" instead of "Good morning," breakfast can absolutely be eaten in another room. But then the door gets opened again, so we can do better next time... if we treat them with respect, we're entitled to expect respect in return. That's obvious, and it's also an attitude that pays off, at least in my experience. Got any of your own experiences to add?)