Dear readers, today is International Day against Violence and Bullying and that’s why we have social pedagogue reader Svenja Diederichs as a guest on our blog today. She is an expert on autism and neurodivergence, an anti-bullying trainer and has realised that autistic children in particular are often affected by bullying. Here she tells her own moving story.
In my primary school days, I was beaten up almost every day during the big break by some boys in my class. They often got together in groups of up to six, one or two of whom were only responsible for holding me down, leaving me helplessly at their mercy.
„I was on my own when it came to bullying at school“
Our teacher wasn’t very assertive and was completely overwhelmed by the wild boys in this class, which was only small but was justifiably considered the worst class in the school. Nevertheless, she was later saddled with another boy with bad social behaviour who had already been expelled from several other schools. They actually thought that because of the other boys with bad behaviour in our class, he would fit in well. Things went wrong, of course, and in the end he had to go to a special school.
When I told the teacher that one of the boys had beaten me up, she asked him to shake my hand and apologise. That was the end of the matter for her, which she clearly said. And she didn’t care whether I accepted the apology or not. In fact, accepting the apology seemed pointless to me after a short time, as the punching and kicking always started all over again the next day. Nevertheless, the teacher didn’t take any new or more stringent measures to stop it.
The establishment of class rules also went as expected: As mere lip service, the class agreed to them, but no one adhered to them and compliance was not ensured. I couldn’t do much myself. Once I tried running away when I was bullied too much during class, but I got in a hell of a lot of trouble for leaving the school grounds alone without permission. Another time, I managed to punch a boy from the parallel class who often attacked me in the stomach because someone told me I had to defend myself against attacks. When I managed to do that, I was proud as punch. But that was an isolated incident, because I knew nothing about fighting.
At the end of year three, our exasperated teacher threw in the towel after a heated argument with the head teacher. Her replacement was a curmudgeonly woman who was unpopular even with the parents and who kept telling us that we weren’t her real class, but that it was at a different school and that she now had to commute back and forth between two schools because of us, which she subliminally accused us of.
Nothing changed in the class’s behaviour. In the summer holidays after fourth grade, I had another unfortunate reunion with two of my worst adversaries. They pushed me under the water while I was swimming and prevented me from surfacing for a while. Nothing happened to me, but I can still feel the panic of death I felt at that moment to this day.
When I went to secondary school, I hoped everything would get better, but in some ways it actually got worse. Whereas at primary school I was at least included in the group of girls and had friends, I was now a total outsider who was bullied by the whole class. Among those who bullied me particularly intensely, the number of girls was even higher than the number of boys.Even my old girlfriends increasingly lost interest in me from Year 4 onwards. However, the type of bullying changed. There were still real physical attacks such as punches and kicks in year 5 and occasionally in year 6, but it stopped completely in year 7 at the latest. Instead, verbal bullying in the form of insults, put-downs and so on became really intense from year 5 onwards.
During lessons, people secretly whispered about me to make me freak out so that I would get into trouble or I was repeatedly kicked in the shins under the table. During the big breaks, I sometimes met two girls from another class who called my name in such a disgusting way that I couldn’t hear it any more and who constantly thought they had to take the piss out of me.
They couldn’t see that I saw through the prank and laughed at me when I took the joke. However, I was often able to escape my classmates during the big breaks when I was old enough to be allowed to work in the school zoo. But the short breaks and the times when we had to wait for a teacher were still particularly bad. That was the ideal opportunity for my classmates to get me ready, as we had to be in the classroom then.
One of the most common forms of bullying was throwing crumpled up table rubbish at me from all sides, often during lessons. As a result, a lot of rubbish accumulated under my seat. Sometimes I had to tilt the table so that the rubbish landed on the floor because I didn’t want to look at it or touch it, and I got reprimanded for it.
What particularly upset me was that the teachers also demanded that I clean up the piles of rubbish myself, on the grounds that everyone should clean up in their own space. That made the bullies laugh up their sleeves. Sometimes the rubbish was forcibly shoved down my neck while I was being held down, or it was secretly draped in my school bag or pencil case so that I accidentally reached into it. All this only increased my disgust for this kind of rubbish.
One day, while waiting in the classroom, the class kept throwing the class key at me. It really hurt to get it against my head because it was hard. At some point, I picked it up and threw it over my shoulder across the room to the back, where it accidentally landed in the wastepaper basket. I was deeply relieved that they didn’t take it out again straight away, because I finally had some peace and quiet and didn’t have to suffer any more pain.
Because the two students on locksmith duty were there, I assumed they would get it out later, especially as there was only a bit of paper in the wastepaper basket and nothing else that would have disgusted anyone other than me. However, nobody actually took it out and nobody told the teachers. The result was that the cleaning ladies eventually picked up the rubbish… It was then decided that I or my family would have to pay a third of the resulting costs (replacement key and I think the lock was even changed to be on the safe side), the locksmith another third and the rest of the class together the last third.
This meant that I was seen as the main culprit and my guilt was rated many times higher than that of most of the others, which I still find unfair even today. So the bullies were able to score another victory for themselves by making me the double victim of their actions. A very clear signal of zero tolerance against bullying could have been sent at this point too, which was unfortunately missed.
What can I say? And so it went on. In lower school, the teacher did nothing about the teasing, and after year 7, the new unpopular teacher even fuelled the bullying because he was so unfair himself. After year 10, I changed schools, but the game continued. When I couldn’t take it any longer and my grades were getting worse and worse despite my best efforts, which meant I had to fear being left behind and my time of suffering being extended as a result, I dropped out of school.In the years that followed, I often volunteered in various areas. I particularly focussed on supporting people who were in social difficulties or had disabilities, because I wanted to help people and listen to them. I felt particularly drawn to people from marginalised social groups, people who are often prematurely judged by others instead of being listened to and put in their shoes. The desire grew in me to study social work so that I could then help people with addictions, for example. However, because I dropped out of school, I first had to find a way to be allowed to study at all.
In the end, I fought my way through an apprenticeship to become a social pedagogical assistant while at the same time gaining my university entrance qualification. My grades were no longer a problem, apart from maths because of my dyscalculia, but I had to put up with a lot of bullying again. I also realised more and more that I had special characteristics that were not the same as the majority, and the resulting special needs caused a lot of friction, as there was hardly any understanding for this.
Most people find it difficult to empathise with autistic people. I tried desperately to make my thoughts, feelings and actions understandable to others. But it is difficult for outsiders to understand what it really means to be autistic. For example, the smell of chewing gum or peppermint sweets is unbearable for me, so anyone who wants to annoy me can achieve this quite quickly with simple means by simply „forgetting about it“. Autism-related needs are often simply too important to be put on the back burner or suppressed.
For example, you wouldn’t expect an arachnophobe to simply ignore the spider in the room and continue to concentrate on the lesson just because the others have no problem with the spider, but then someone comes to the rescue and removes the animal, as arachnophobia is a widespread phobia that is easily recognised in our culture and for which everyone understands. My impression is that the more unusual the special needs are, the less willing people are to take them into account.
I was diagnosed with autism and ADHD in my mid-30s not long before I started university. As a result, I began to familiarise myself intensively with the topic of autism: Partly through intensive dialogue with other autistic people, partly through specialist literature. So it was only natural to incorporate my specialised research into my student research projects. I also studied „Autism Studies“ at University College Cork. I still think addiction support is an important topic, but I realised that people who have experienced addiction themselves find it easier to gain a foothold in this field. The idea that, as an autistic person, I should focus on autism counselling and autism coaching was therefore an obvious one.
Because of my own bullying experiences, I also decided to train as an assertiveness and resilience coach for children and children’s groups. You could have officially called it „anti-bullying training“. As an autistic person, I can empathise particularly well with the worries and hardships of those affected. In my further training as a neurodiversity coach, I expanded my knowledge not only about autism but also about other forms of neurodivergence.In the course of my various training courses, degree programmes, through the various specialist books and through conversations with other autistic people, I have learned a lot: about education, sociology, psychology, about autism and also about people who are not autistic. This is important, because although non-autistic people are usually unable to empathise with autistic people, autistic people are expected to be able to empathise with non-autistic people.
For a long time, I thought of myself as a failure who was to blame for her own problems and was ruining her chances. Now that I know I’m autistic, I realise why I’ve always had such a hard time in life, why I’ve been rejected and kicked out so often and why these „little things“ are often so incredibly important to me, as if my life depended on them.
As far as non-autistic people are concerned, many of what I considered to be their bizarre behaviours have now become more understandable to me. For example, I used to think that my classmates‘ preference for shallow, superficial topics of conversation was a sign of a lack of intelligence. I always hoped for deeper topics of conversation or that someone would tell me about their problems so that I could really get to know them.
I now realise that small talk is not a waste of time for most people, but actually a way to get to know each other. It’s important to realise that they don’t get to know each other through the exchange of insignificant words, but primarily through the simultaneous exchange of facial expressions, gestures, eye expressions and other factors that accompany the words, which I don’t notice much of as an autistic person.
I also now understand better how it can be that everyone else can tolerate the noise coming in through the open window without any problems and make no effort to close the window. It’s not about tormenting me, they just don’t find it tormenting because their brains can easily tune this background noise down and block it out. That’s why they don’t realise how bad it can be for someone else in the long run and are reluctant to be considerate.
As I now understand both sides well, I can also act as an interpreter who can mediate between autistic and non-autistic people in the event of misunderstandings and conflicts of interest. I think I have found my calling. I would certainly have liked to have done without my experiences at school, but this way I can set an example and explain what we could have done to hopefully make things better and easier for future generations.
__________
Further information:
Svenja Diederichs is a social pedagogue, expert in autism and neurodivergence, anti-bullying trainer. Take a look at her website www.autismussupport.de. She says: „From my own experience, I know how difficult it is to grow up as a person with autism, ADHD and other forms of neurodivergence. I didn’t understand why I was perceived as different and not accepted for who I was, and why some things didn’t come as easily to me as they did to others. I repeatedly experienced bullying, marginalisation, a lack of understanding, interpersonal conflicts, communicative misunderstandings and a lack of consideration for my difference and the associated needs.
Today, I advise and coach autistic children, young people and adults so that they can better understand their particularities and the resulting strengths, weaknesses and special needs. I help them to understand the behaviour of other people and support them as a kind of mediator and translator in clarifying communicative misunderstandings between autistic and non-autistic people.
In addition, I advise parents and other family members, educational institutions, employers, professionals in various fields who work with autistic people, government agencies, doctors and institutions so that autism is better understood and the environment and behaviour can be adapted accordingly. I also offer social skills and bullying prevention courses for groups of children and young people, school and pre-school classes and individuals.
My goal is for all people, whether with or without autism or other forms of neurodivergence, to be able to live together in harmony. The participation of autistic people in education, work and leisure activities should not be hindered by insurmountable obstacles. I work regionally in the greater Hamburg area and online worldwide“
