When a Friendship Ends, It Can Feel Like a Breakup

Hi, friends. We recently shared a study on our Instagram account saying that after age 25, we lose friends every year. We got a ton of responses, and it got me thinking, too. Because the truth is, I made some really dear friends in my 30s and again in my 40s. A few of those friendships, even though they're not that old, run truly deep. So deep that I know they'd get in the car for me at a moment's notice and rescue me from just about any mess.

My sense is that friendships that start this late can get very deep very fast, because we've stopped pretending. We don't mind letting our guard down with each other, because we know we're not perfect. And we also don't have the energy or the patience anymore to spend time with people we don't actually like.

So alongside the many acquaintances I've made through daycare and school, a few really good friendships have grown, too.

But I've also lost some friends over the years. And at least once, it was a friendship I would have sworn nothing in the world could break. We went through so much together, grew up together, celebrated, laughed, cried, shared everything. We were truly like sisters. And today we have no contact at all. Every now and then I hear through the grapevine how she's doing, but that's it.

When it started to fall apart, I was heartbroken, like after a breakup. I really grieved everything we'd had. It's not like we had a fight and never spoke again. It was gradual, and yet, considering how close we'd been for so long, it ended relatively fast.

There were a few tentative attempts to reconnect, which didn't work out, and now so much time has passed, with each of us living our own life, that we'd have no common ground left. I'm not sad or angry anymore. I've made my peace with it, even if I still find it kind of unbelievable that this friendship ended.

Am I a good friend?

While working on this piece, I also thought about myself as a friend, and I had to admit, not very flatteringly, that I have phases where I reach out to my friends far too little. When my days are packed with kids and work, that's honestly the first thing to fall off the list. After a loud day, I'd rather take a walk around the block by myself, read a book, or mindlessly scroll Instagram than get on the phone with a friend. I don't know if that's always the right call. Because friendships, just like romantic relationships, need care.

Sometimes that care is just a heart emoji that says: I'm thinking of you. But it also takes talking, getting together, letting each other in on your lives. Of course that's not always equally doable in the middle of a stressful routine. But we shouldn't let it slide completely. Because I'm sure of this: when things really hit the fan, when we truly need help, when the kids are grown and gaps open up in our lives, that's exactly when we'll need our circle of friends.

Friendships need work

Some friends are just for a season. At some point you notice you've grown in different directions and don't quite fit together anymore. Then it's perfectly okay not to hold on for dear life. And some friends stay with us from the sandbox to old age, which is truly special.

Either way, I think it's important to remind ourselves how wonderful it is to have friends. That this connection is something completely different from the one with your partner or your kids. So tell us: do you have friends who've been with you for a long time, or did your closest friends come into your life later?