Respect, Dude! Taking Teens (and Their Feelings) Seriously

Hi, friends. This week I was scrolling through Twitterperlen ("Twitter gems," a German collection of tweets I often find hilarious) and got stuck on one that I couldn't shake, because it shows zero respect. It read: "Son is getting braces. Yay, at least he won't become a teen dad."

Let that sink in for a second. A dad is happy that his son is about to become so unattractive, in his eyes, that nobody will want him? So the "Respect, dude" in the title of this piece isn't aimed at teenagers. It's aimed at parents who say things like that.

Because think about it: How often are teenagers patronized with a little smirk when the hormones start sprouting? How often is what they say brushed off with, "Oh, wait until you're grown up. What do you know?"

How often are they maybe talking to a wall when they tell us they're among the top ten Clash of Clans players in Germany? Do we ask them to show us how it works? To explain their strategies and their recipe for success? Do we even count that as success in our heads?

How seriously do we take them when they're really hurting over their first heartbreak? Do their parents say, "Chin up, there's plenty of fish in the sea"? Or is there empathy and comfort and hugs and understanding for what is, in that moment, a huge drama?

And this kind of respect isn't just for the teen years. We're talking about an inner attitude toward our kids! It doesn't just start in the teen years. It can already show up during a preschool meltdown. I see you're hurting. We'll get through this together. Instead of: Quit making a fuss, it's just a lollipop that broke.  

And when they have questions? Do we roll our eyes with a "Are you stupid or what?!" attitude, or do we say: Hey, let me explain it a different way, maybe that'll make it clearer (I'm also thinking of a few teachers from my own school days who treated me and others that way). I'm glad you asked, and that you really want to understand instead of: Stop bugging me, I've explained this a thousand times.

Or later on, when our kid brings home a new boyfriend or girlfriend. How do we react if that person isn't the one we'd have wished for our child? Are we curious about what our kid likes about them, and do we try to understand? Or do we just stand there with a "Seriously?!" look on our faces?

Do we forbid things on principle, or can a good argument change our minds once in a while? Can our kids ask us questions about anything, or does it get quieter around the topics of money or love? (I don't mean pushing yourself on them. I mean a general readiness to talk.)

Do we snoop around in their rooms, their diaries, their phones, or do we respect their privacy? Do we trust our kids to handle things? Can we accept decisions, even when we would have decided differently? And if so, how do we still manage to start a conversation when we think something isn't good for our child? The attitude of: I respect what you're doing, I just want to give you a little something extra from my experience to take along…

Respect, Dude! A Good Rule for Parents and Kids

And just to be clear: This isn't about daily understanding and being 100 percent attentive 24/7. Everybody has a bad day or gets stressed and doesn't react as ideally as described here. All I'm talking about is the general inner attitude toward kids and young people. If it's shaped by taking them seriously instead of smirking at them, there's a chance to make up afterward. To admit our own mistakes. To get back on the same level.

We're the parents, we have a bit more life experience, we get to make decisions, and we don't have to live with our kids like roommates or be their "friends." We can offer something to lean on.

But we can explain ourselves, we don't have to put ourselves above anyone, we can give our kids the freedom to decide things for themselves, and be there when it doesn't work out. We can stay curious about them and about all the experiences they collect out there on their own.

We can give them room to grow. They aren't our property, and we don't give them up when they fall in love. We can simply always wish them the greatest happiness and the most wonderful fulfillment.

We can let them run and catch them when they fall. We can be their refueling station, their safe harbor where they can drop anchor. But they get to choose their own paths and make their own experiences, and we listen closely and maybe even learn just as much as they do. More, in any case, than we could ever have imagined on this wild voyage called life. Don't you think?