When Do We Stop Cuddling Our Teens?

Friends, I don’t think there’s a mom out there who hasn’t been “touched out” at some point: hugged, kissed, and climbed on so much that it was simply too much. How many times did I lie in bed at night thinking I needed more physical space, just as another kid came crawling under my covers?

How often did I think: Why is everybody always stuck to me? Why does someone constantly want to be on my lap or in my arms? Why are they hanging off my legs and refusing to let go, even when I’m sitting on the toilet? When you have little kids, you’re practically in physical contact nonstop, whether you’re helping with getting dressed and undressed, changing diapers, putting on lotion, brushing teeth, hugging, comforting with cuddles, carrying, bouncing, rocking…

And then… without us consciously noticing, it tapers off. Suddenly the kids lock themselves in the bathroom when they wash up. They don’t need help pulling a sweater over their heads, and they’ve been brushing their own teeth for ages. They don’t crawl into our bed at night anymore, they don’t want goodbye kisses, and they don’t need a hand to cross the street. In short: we touch older kids a lot less than younger ones.

Teens Pull Away

On the one hand, that’s totally natural, because pulling away is part of being a teenager. But suddenly, as a parent, you kind of miss that closeness, don’t you? In my family, we’ve always been big on cuddling, hugging, and touching. My older kids held my hand on walks for a long time, and at some point we all used to pile into the bathtub together. And I still curl up on the sofa with my own mom when she’s visiting.

With my 15-year-old and my 12-year-old, though, I can tell now that those cuddle times are rare. So I asked myself whether it has to be that way, or whether you can actively hold on to some of it, in an age-appropriate way, of course. When my 12-year-old had a rotten day at school recently, I simply asked him that evening if he wanted me to scratch his back for a bit. He lay there totally relaxed, and we hardly talked at all. I had the feeling that the relaxation helped him wind down from the day. And the whole time, all I could think was: When did he get so big? Those long legs, those huge feet???

And to my oldest, who’s out with her friends a lot right now, I said the other day, “Ohhh, I kind of miss you, can we have a loooong hug?” So there we stood in the kitchen, just holding each other. Not long after, when I was in a foul mood (PMS crankiness), she came over and said, “Need a hug?” And did I ever!

I’m keeping up this deliberate use of physical closeness right now, and I mean that. I often get the feeling that it gets the kids talking, too. Even if it’s just a few strokes over the head or, and all my kids love this, a foot massage. When I picked up my 12-year-old and told him we were having pizza for dinner, he was so happy that he threw his arms around me in front of his friends and planted a big kiss on my cheek.

Of course, some teens pull away completely for a while and won’t allow any of this, and that’s probably okay, too. But when we do still get a little cuddle from our big kids now and then, it’s especially precious, isn’t it?

What’s it like at your house? Can you still get close to your teens physically? Or maybe you didn’t grow up in a family that hugged and cuddled a lot? A good friend of mine, for example, always greets his parents with a handshake – which I find totally baffling. When I brought it up with him once, he said that’s just how it is in his family, and that even as an adult he’s never hugged or kissed his parents. Tell us how it is for you!