The In-Between Years: Welcome to the Start of Puberty

Hi, friends! Our teen column is, logically, all about teenagers and how we handle life with them. But we keep getting questions about the very beginning of puberty, because that stretch can be pretty tricky too. Not little anymore, not big yet, standing at the edge of life's big adventure, wanting to do everything on their own, except in the moments when they absolutely don't… what a rollercoaster, and what a time of contradictions.

Too cool for you, but still a cuddler

“Yo, where's my hair gel?” might suddenly come booming out of the bathroom. Beanies are uncool now, and pants have to be baggy. The days of hopping in the bathtub with the younger siblings are over. “Close the door, I have privacy too!” Goodbye kisses happen only in the car, and only if nobody else is looking. Friends get a casual nod, and the classic school satchel has been replaced by a backpack.

But sometimes there's still a need to cuddle on the couch, to get lots of reassurance and a listening ear. To crawl right into your arms, to be held, and to have Mom blow the hurt away.

Letting go while staying close

They want to do everything alone, because the whole world is open to them. How late can I stay out in the evening? Can I handle the trip by bus or bike yet? Can I sort out this conflict all by myself? And we parents ask ourselves: What can I trust my child with? This is the first stage of letting go, and it matters so much. Kids who are trusted with things become more confident and more sure of themselves.

Of course, we still have to walk alongside them and support them. We can offer advice and a helping hand. Small compromises often work best: You can bike there by yourself, but you text me when you've arrived safely. Or: Write down what you want to say to the teacher, but I'll come along and have your back.

Trust, and keep talking

What's on your mind? How do you feel about your classmate secretly vaping? You get a little more screen time, but I'd like to talk with you about which games you're playing. Come here for a hug when your best friend is going through a snippy phase. Just because kids are getting bigger doesn't mean they need less conversation. What matters: Stay on it! Show interest! And make it clear to them: You're safe with me, even when you've messed up.

Don't be afraid of puberty!

That goes especially for us parents. Yes, doors might start slamming soon. Your kids might do nothing but roll their eyes when you talk to them. They might even get disrespectful. But it's just as possible that you'll keep growing alongside your kids, and that they'll introduce you to all kinds of new topics. That you'll enjoy having good conversations, and that they'll keep letting you be part of their lives.

We parents often get scared half to death about puberty, but there are plenty of examples where this time is mostly exciting in a good way. Find parents who've been through it already. I personally love it when Lisa talks about her three kids and how she walks alongside them, eye to eye. That's taken the fear out of puberty for me, because with Lisa there were definitely harder phases than puberty.

Let's simply stay open and happy about all the changes and growth our kids will go through in the coming years. And let's trust that our foundation is steady enough to get us through the bumpy stretches, too.