My 13-Year-Old Got Caught Vaping Again. Now What?

Hi, friends. Ever since I started writing this column, readers have been sending me questions about how I'd handle this or that challenge in the teen years. So I thought: why not turn it into a little forum where we can share some really concrete tips?

Please send us your questions whenever you could use some advice. We'll look at which answers might be useful for more readers, too, and publish them here on the blog, anonymized.

On Secret Vaping

Today's question comes from a mom whose child promised, after getting caught, to stop vaping. Now it's come out that they're still doing it. Even in their own room, as some videos sent to friends prove. The catch: officially, she doesn't know any of this. Another mom spotted it on her child's phone and tipped off the teenager's mother. She wrote to me:

“Dear Lisa, this week I found out, in confidence, that my 13-year-old is still vaping. Apparently they're even sending pictures of it around on apps, kind of like: I do it at home, and my parents have no clue. I'm just sad and worried. How do you react to this? Do you have any ideas?”

Does this sound familiar? And what does your gut tell you? How would you react? First of all: when it isn't happening to you, it's always easy to say what you'd do. As parents, we really don't want to get anything wrong when it comes to the most important thing we have, our kids. So I completely understand when your nervous system goes straight to red alert. It might help to put it in context first:

Your kid is probably trying to separate from you right now. They want to feel grown up, including in front of the other teens. And of course they won't tell you openly. The whole point is the secret and the risk.

On top of that, e-cigarettes or vapes (the name comes from “vaporizer,” because of those enormous clouds) simply didn't exist when we were kids and teenagers. We have zero personal experience and can't really chime in. I'll also happily admit that while working on this article, I visited a website that sells vape liquids for the first time in my life. Holy cow!

They have flavors like “Vanilla Pudding,” “Buttermilk Lemon,” or, even cooler, “Woodruff Your Father” (woodruff is the herb behind that green German soda flavor). Sorry, but how appealing does that sound to teens? When you order, you can choose whether you want the stuff nicotine-free, meaning 0 mg nicotine strength (yes, that exists, did you know? At least then it doesn't lead straight to addiction), or with 3, 6, or 12 mg.

Back to our reader. Her child has told friends they don't want to stop because they like vaping way too much. At 13. That's just really young. And at that age, you can't really judge the consequences yet (research also isn't very far along, so it isn't clear whether these vapors might be totally harmful even without nicotine). So how do we want to handle this as parents? Should we make our kid prepare a presentation for us on the dangers? It's a nice idea, but does it really keep a kid from vaping?

And what if a half-empty bottle of liquor turns up in your teen's backpack over the weekend? And they say: Yeah, we made mixed drinks, but I didn't like it. Or: Yeah, that's my bottle, but I only packed it for so-and-so, because he'd get in huge trouble at home.

Is that a sign of trust in you as parents (you guys are more relaxed about this stuff) or a white lie? We'll never find out for sure, but I still think giving them the benefit of the doubt is a good first move. “At least you're honest that you all tried it. What exactly did you think was gross? The taste, or the feeling of losing control afterward?” You're allowed to ask with real interest! Not annoyed, but curious. Not accusing, but fairly neutral.

Leave the Door Open

Make sure you don't slam the door of trust with your child all the way shut. You could say: “Hey, I can see you need to experiment right now, even with substances that are tough on a growing brain. I want you to know that we messed up sometimes when we were kids, too.

And I still have to spell out the consequences as your mom. You can come to us with anything, but there have to be certain rules, and buying vapes at 13 is illegal, and so is buying alcohol. If you drink anyway, only do it around other people, so you know nobody can drag you off and assault you when you've lost control or you're throwing up.”

And yes, if you just swallowed hard: I think it's okay to use drastic examples to show what could happen and to signal: Hey, you're putting yourself in danger. They can be real examples from your circle of friends, like the one who had to go to rehab, or the one who got hooked on drugs as a teenager and still needs care today.

And no, I am definitely not on Team Punishments and Consequences when it comes to guiding teenagers. Say our reader took away the summer trip with friends that her child has already booked. What do you think would happen? Wouldn't they probably rebel and provoke even more? That's how I would have reacted as a kid (luckily I never experienced anything like it, because my parents didn't have ideas like that either)… even further away from the “bad” parents, even deeper into the friend group and into feeling misunderstood.

Now this mom's friends with kids the same age are saying: You can't just let that slide! Your child lied to you! Your child is walking all over you! Know that one? That judgment from the outside that leaves us even more unsure? That freaking out? Well, I would never let MY kid get away with that, right?

My motto here: really try not to be or become “the lame parents.” Say out loud what you're feeling: “You know, as your mom, I'm honestly really worried. I've never done anything like this myself. I don't know much about it. If you want to talk it over, it's best to do it with Dad. He messed up plenty when he was young, so the two of you could compare notes. There are a few things Dad wouldn't do anymore today, either. Yes, don't laugh, we were young once, too, and we thought we were invincible.” Go ahead and surprise your kids.

Consequences for Your Kid?

Boom, you're meeting them on their level, and you're even showing a little of your own vulnerability. And then you can ask: What does vaping give you? What do you like about it, why does it appeal to you? Be curious about what your teens are doing. Genuinely. Like you actually want to understand it. Because let's be honest: we can't prevent it entirely anyway, we can only stay in the picture. So, if at all possible, no accusing tone, but a curious one.

So really no “consequences”? No taking away screen time, no grounding, no teen trips? My answer: No. The consequence can be that you talk, to see what solution you can find together.

And I'll tell you something else: deep down, in total secret, you're allowed to be just a tiny bit proud of your kid (as long as the boundary-pushing doesn't get too extreme, and it's really about getting caught vaping a second time, like here). Proud that they've got that much nerve. That they're a little rebel who looks for their own path even against resistance and tries things out.

All of this is part of growing up. Of finding yourself. Of forming an identity. Of testing how your parents react to this or that. Of course, this kind of boundary-pushing has to be talked through and put in perspective. But I'm afraid it comes with the territory.

If they know they can count on us… even when they've messed up, that's incredibly valuable. Not because we cheer on everything they do or don't do, but because we build trust in each other. Because we stay on equal footing. Because we don't put them down or sit in judgment. We walk alongside them, help them size things up, and point the way. Not against each other, but with each other. Show them that they're seen and taken seriously in their decisions. I believe that way, you can look to the future with optimism.