Dear ones, sometimes there are parallels between teenagers in puberty and mums in perimenopause. Many people write to me saying that things often explode at home because all the hormone cocktails are exploding, but this time I’m not talking about that parallel at all. I’m talking about the uncertain future. It’s about the question: What am I going to do now? We often enter the phase of self-discovery in our lives – many of us after leaving school. And many again when the children grow up and no longer need us as parents so much.
Self-discovery: What do I do now?
How would I like to organise my time as a no-longer-full-time mum? What do I still want to achieve? What do I enjoy, what fulfils me? Young people starting out in the world of work also ask themselves these questions and that’s why I’m really happy about a Christmas present I got (okay, I wished for it, but my wish was granted).
These are coaching cards that a former fellow daycare mum of mine from Berlin has developed and which focus on strengths, interests, resources and values. I unpacked them on Christmas Eve and asked my family a lot of the questions.
For example: And what skill are you envied for? What do your friends think you do best? What do you like to do voluntarily? What could you talk about for hours? What annoys you about others? Which people inspire you? What is your favourite thing about yourself? What brightens your mood? What do you want to be able to say about yourself at the end of your life? Which of your decisions are you proud of?
There are 60 questions in this box (and they come in different beautiful designs, just by the way – no advertising, self-paid). I actually wanted to use the cards in my bereavement counselling sessions, but they also bring the family totally into reflection.
And: When a friend of my daughter’s sat at our table the other day, who had no idea what she was going to do after school and what direction she might be interested in, I simply pulled out the cards and we were able to determine quite wonderfully what she definitely did NOT want to do. A few areas then crystallised that could be exciting. It’s now worth thinking about them further.
Since my texts on the crisis of meaning, I’ve also been asked time and again about this feeling of being lost that comes when caring for your own children becomes less important. Just this week, I received an email from a reader and mum who wrote after a separation:
„I probably find the update on your crisis of meaning so encouraging because I am still at a completely different point. For me, my old life no longer exists. Figuratively speaking, it feels like my house has been torn down and now needs to be rebuilt. However, I don’t yet know which of the old bricks should be put back in place. And will the house even stand in the same place again?“
I think that even in a place like this, simple questions like: What were you good at as a child or what did you enjoy doing back then, can help. Or: What do you forget the time for? What is easy for you? What do you like doing? What fulfils you?
Do I need freedom or strict rules, do I need colleagues or would I rather work from home? Do I need hierarchies or rather friendly relationships? How important are feedback and appreciation to me? What does it look like when I close my eyes and imagine the perfect job (or relationship or hobby or whatever I long for)?
Questions like these are just one of many levers on the path to finding myself and realising what I need and what I want. And this doesn’t just apply to young people on the cusp of adulthood, but also to mothers who suddenly have resources and capacities free again.
And it may feel threatening at times, but let’s try to see it as a huge opportunity. The world is our oyster, we get to rewrite a page. How long have we simply functioned in the role of student or mother? Now is the time for development. For trying things out. For learning. It remains exciting in any case: for all of us! And again and again…
