What Now? Why Teens and Moms Ask the Same Question

Friends, sometimes there are parallels between teenagers going through puberty and moms going through perimenopause. Lots of you write to tell me that things at home blow up because all those hormone cocktails blow up, but that's not the parallel I mean this time. I'm talking about the uncertain future. The question of: So what do I do now? We go through phases of finding ourselves more than once in life, and many of us do it right after finishing school. Many of us do it all over again when our kids get older and don't need us as much.

Finding yourself: So what do I do now?

How do I want to spend my time as a no-longer-full-time mom? What do I still want to achieve? What do I enjoy, and what fulfills me? Teens starting out in the working world ask themselves these questions too. That's why I'm so happy about a Christmas present I got (okay, I had asked for it, but the wish was granted, so it counts).

It's a set of coaching cards developed by a mom I used to know from daycare in Berlin. They're about strengths, interests, resources, and values. I unwrapped them on Christmas Eve and promptly started asking my family lots of the questions.

For example: What skill do people envy you for? What do your friends think you're best at? What do you do voluntarily, without anyone asking? What could you talk about for hours? What annoys you about other people? Which people inspire you? What do you like best about yourself? What lifts your mood? What would you want to be able to say about yourself at the end of your life? Which of your decisions are you proud of?

There are 60 questions in the box (and it comes in several gorgeous designs, just by the way. This is not an ad, I paid for it myself). I originally wanted to use the cards in my grief counseling work, but they also get a whole family reflecting.

And recently a friend of my daughter's was sitting at our table. She has no idea yet what she wants to do after high school or which direction might interest her. So I pulled out the cards, and we were at least able to figure out pretty quickly what it should definitely NOT be. A few fields emerged that could be exciting, and those are worth thinking about further.

Ever since I wrote about my own crisis of meaning, people keep bringing up this feeling of being lost that creeps in when the care your own kids need gets smaller. Just this week I got an email from a reader and mom who wrote after a breakup:

“I probably find your update on your crisis of meaning so encouraging because I'm in a completely different place. For me, my old life no longer exists. It feels as if my house had been torn down and now has to be rebuilt. But I don't know yet which of the old bricks should go back in. And will the house even stand in the same spot again?”

I think even in a spot like that, really simple questions can sometimes help. Like: What were you good at even as a kid, or what did you enjoy back then? Or: When do you lose track of time? What comes easily to you? What do you like doing? What fulfills you?

Do I need freedom or firm rules? Do I need coworkers, or would I rather work from home? Do I need hierarchies, or do I prefer friendly relationships? How important are feedback and appreciation to me? What does it look like when I close my eyes and picture the perfect job (or relationship, or hobby, or whatever it is I'm longing for)?

Questions like these are just one lever among many on the way to myself, to figuring out what I need and what I want. And that doesn't only apply to teenagers on the threshold of adulthood. It applies to moms who suddenly have time and energy free again.

It can feel threatening at times, but let's try to see it as a huge opportunity. The world is at our feet, and we get to start a fresh page. How long have we just functioned in the role of student or mother? Now it's time to unfold. To try things out. To keep learning. It's going to stay exciting, for all of us. Again and again and again…