Second Child Without His Okay: One Mom's Honest Story

She'd waited years, and he still said no. Then a midnight drive home from the hospital changed everything. Would you have done the same?

Hi, friends! Our reader Anna desperately wanted a second child. Her husband didn't. In the end, she decided to make her wish come true – even without his okay. Can something like that actually work out? Read on.

Anna, you always wanted a second child, but your partner didn't. Did you two talk about it a lot?

Our daughter was – and still is – a completely, utterly wanted baby. Once I'd healed from the first birth, I started thinking about a second child. That was about a year and a half later.
My husband shut it down right away. He said no, he didn't want a second child, and he wanted our daughter to enjoy the same perks he had as an only child.

That really bothered me, because I have a younger brother, and we never lacked for anything. We talked about it sooooo much, me more than him. He kept saying he just didn't want a second child. He never had a concrete reason. For him it was simply settled: he didn't want one. End of story.

What did this imbalance of wishes do to your relationship?

I never felt like our relationship was in danger. He knew from the start that I definitely wanted two kids, and at first he always went along with it and calmed me down with a "Let's see."
It was only some time after our daughter was born that he told me he didn't want any more children… Of course we argued and talked it to death, and I sulked, because for me it just kept coming up. But splitting up or anything like that was never on the table. Quite the opposite! We even got married after that.

When I went back to work, I stopped thinking about it “out loud.” The subject was “done” for the time being. I even got an IUD. But of course I still dreamed about a second baby every single night. The wish was just there, even though I'd locked it away behind thick doors for the time being. Our daughter kept asking her dad why she couldn't have a little brother or sister, too. He gave her the same answer he gave me: "I just want you."

But eight years after your first child, you did end up having a second one… How did that happen?

An IUD has to come out eventually, or be replaced. So before my OB-GYN appointment, I told my husband that birth control was going to be his job for the next few months. He completely ignored that. And so did I, of course…

I'd have been crazy to remind him.

The thought of slipping one past him was there, I'll admit it. But the plan wasn't fully baked yet.

Then my cousin had her son in the summer of 2016 (I spent the whole day waiting in the hospital lobby), and I was jealous. My heart was broken. At the same time, that tiny baby filled my heart so full I thought I would burst. My daughter and I were in love. And my husband felt the same way! He softened up, just not as much as I'd hoped.

And then?

I told him out of the blue: “I want a child with you. Not with some other man, with you. My kids should have the same father, after all. And I'm going to have one with you, I know that. Whether it tears us apart or brings us closer together? I'll take my chances, even if it means losing you. My parents and your parents will help me…”

I said that just after midnight, while we were driving home from the hospital together. The look on his face is burned into my memory – shocked, scared, and angry.
That same month I waited for my fertile days and didn't tell him a thing, and in September 2016 I was holding a positive pregnancy test. I actually think (he won't admit it!) that he knew exactly what I was doing. He's not stupid.

So you basically slipped a baby past your husband?

Yes and no. I made the decision on my own and didn't ask him. Honestly, I wouldn't have given him the chance to weigh in beforehand. I risked everything. But he did know that birth control was now his department – and he ignored that.

So what does your husband say about it?

Well, after he'd held the positive test in his hand, he asked me how it had “happened.” So I told him about my “devil plan.” That's what he calls it. He laughed and was happy. Truly happy. He hugged me and kissed my belly. Before that, while I was waiting on the test, I'd had a bit of a meltdown, because I had no idea how I was going to show him that positive test. I knew how badly it could have gone. I figure the worst case would have been divorce, or him rejecting it completely.

That's a pretty serious breach of trust, though. Do you ever feel guilty? Or do you think: sometimes you just have to push people into their own happiness?

During those five minutes of waiting after the test, I felt guilty. I thought it would eat me alive. But once everything was okay, not anymore. Not at all, not to this day. I do think I had to push him into his own happiness, yes.

How are things now? Does your husband ever say things like: See?! That's exactly what I was talking about, this is the exhausting stuff I didn't want?

We're about to celebrate our son's first birthday. We adore him to pieces. I feel like I've arrived, and when our son was born, my husband said “Thank you.” I know what he meant by it. I didn't need anything more. I know he's arrived, too. And that it was the right thing. He has never said one mean word about it. On the contrary, he's a very understanding dad.

Our son is very active and strong. He's been walking since he was 9.5 months old, for example. Every now and then, when our son empties the towels out of the closet yet again, my husband says: “You said he'd be well-behaved!” But of course he doesn't mean it. It's more of a joke. I always call my kids my “dreams come true, times 3,000”… He just laughs and says, “Okay, you're right”!

Would you do it again?

With my husband, over and over again. He's my absolute dream man and dream dad. He also always used to say: “Do you really think I wouldn't love my own child? It's my flesh and blood”… I knew what I was doing.

Is your family complete now?

Yes, our family is complete. This spring he had a vasectomy (the tubes that carry sperm are cut) – with the added comment: “You can always reverse it anyway.”
Trust is good, but control is better. Hehe… His doctor had a laughing fit when he told him “our story.”

Keep reading: "My wife wants a second child, but I don't." A dad tells his side…

Photo source: pixabay

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