I Got Pregnant at 45 After Years of Thinking I Never Could

Hi, friends! Not long ago we shared Heidi's story. Katharina's article about having a fourth baby gave her the courage to become a mom again after 40. Marika read it and got in touch with us. For many years she didn't want kids at all, and when the wish finally started knocking softly, she kept brushing it aside. Then, at 45, she got pregnant. Completely out of the blue…

Dear Marika, you spent 20 years thinking you couldn't have children. How did you come to believe that?

In my early 20s I went to see my OB-GYN to find out whether I was at risk for osteoporosis. At the time I had several stress fractures, and I'd been battling an eating disorder for years. I hadn't had a period in months. During that exam I was told that having kids would be very difficult. There was no clear-cut diagnosis, though. I was an elite athlete and a sports science student, with no steady partner and certainly no desire for kids.

Do you remember how you felt when you heard that?

Honestly, it didn't bother me much. I was in my early 20s, and kids weren't even on my radar. Back then, sports ran my whole life.

Did you ever start wanting a child as the years went by?

At 30, it crept in very quietly. My elite-athlete phase was over by then, although as a personal trainer I was still exercising a lot.

My partner at the time didn't really want kids either. We hardly talked about it, but we didn't use birth control. Every now and then I'd get this feeling that something was missing. But I never really let myself feel it. Between the eating disorder, running my own business, and all the training, there was simply no room in my life to think about whether or how a child could fit in.

Did you have a lot of friends with new babies?

No. I was always at the gym or out training, and in my athlete bubble there weren't many parents. My two siblings have two kids each, but they lived far away and we weren't in close touch. I hardly had any close girlfriends, which was always fine with me. My stand-in for a child was actually my dog.

Then you met your current partner.

Right, that was in 2006. We met at the gym, and together we got seriously into trail running. I mean ultramarathons and multi-day stage races, so pretty extreme sports.

He knew about my eating disorder and about the OB-GYN's diagnosis, and he was fine with not having kids. Birth control wasn't an issue, because I thought I couldn't get pregnant anyway. Our days were so full that there was just no space for the kid question.

In 2010, when I was already 40, a bit of wistfulness crept in. But I never brought it up, and I tried to push it away. I figured I just had to make peace with it. We didn't have the money for fertility treatments, we were too old to adopt, and we had a lot of work, the dogs, the sports. I told myself there was simply no room left for a child.

And then you got pregnant at 45…

In 2014 I was burned out on sports. I'd had a few injuries, and we'd had to cancel the Transalpine Run, a multi-day race across the Alps. I'd also had major dental surgery and had to take antibiotics, and I felt weaker and weaker. Honestly, I felt sick. My periods had always been irregular, so that didn't strike me as unusual.

One day in the shower I noticed that my breasts had changed somehow. Combined with feeling so run-down, that made us decide to take a pregnancy test. I didn't believe for a second it could be positive, so I bought the cheapest one at the drugstore. All I can say is: two lines showed up IMMEDIATELY…

How did you react?

It was a mix of "this can't be happening," overwhelming joy, and total confusion. My partner reacted pretty much the same way. Then I made an appointment with my OB-GYN.

That appointment didn't go so well, right?

Right. The doctor confirmed that I was eight weeks along, but she really scared me about the possibility of a miscarriage. Surprisingly, it didn't really get to me. Of course I knew all the risks, but somehow I was sure this would work out. I thought: if my baby has already made it eight weeks despite antibiotics from the dental surgery, sleeping pills, painkillers, and constant physical overload, then it's going to stay.

I'm usually more of a pessimist, sadly, but somehow I felt incredibly proud and totally calm. It was also clear to me right away that I'd have to go through this pregnancy my own way and stay as independent as possible from other people's comments, opinions, and predictions. And I was just so happy that there was such a wonderful reason my body was going haywire. I wasn't sick, I was pregnant!

How did the pregnancy go?

The pregnancy was pretty relaxed, and I found the whole process so fascinating that I could take all the aches and annoyances in stride. As I mentioned, I'd struggled with an eating disorder for a long time, but during pregnancy I felt very comfortable with my belly. I wore tight tops all the time to show it off.

It was wild to see how much my eating changed. I used to eat almost nothing but fruit and vegetables, and now I was hit with cravings for sweets. During the first three months I was pretty wiped out, but then it got better and I started working out again. A lot of people told me I shouldn't do so much, but I just paid attention to what felt good for me.

The doctor at the prenatal diagnostics clinic could hardly believe the baby had been conceived naturally, since my partner is five years older than I am, on top of everything else. The Harmony test, a prenatal blood screening, came back normal, and the baby was developing beautifully.

And how was the birth?

I had really hoped for a natural birth. Unfortunately it didn't happen. I had early signs of preeclampsia, so labor was induced, and it ended in one never-ending contraction, and I was shaking with chills. I was at the end of my strength and didn't fight it when a C-section was suggested. From the start, I'd told myself I would fully trust the judgment and advice of the doctors and midwives.

The mood during the C-section was really lovely, and when Emma was born, I was just happy. I like looking back on the birth, and I don't feel like I missed out on anything. I'm just deeply grateful for this unexpected miracle.

How has Emma enriched your life?

A midwife once said to me about my age: "Who cares? Now there's going to be some real life in this house again…" And that's exactly what it was. A whole new universe opened up for us. Until then we'd had very little contact with other families, so it was quickly clear that we'd have to build a new network. That has broadened our horizons enormously.

Of course, it was pretty hard at first. Breastfeeding didn't go so well, Emma cried a lot, and I didn't want to be out of my job for too long. But I can say with total certainty that Emma enriches our lives and makes us complete.

You've lived with an eating disorder for many years. How did pregnancy and motherhood affect that?

I'm afraid I'll never really like my belly. After the pregnancy I developed diastasis recti, and menopause doesn't make things easier. Still, I've found a kind of peace with myself (or maybe I've just worn out and given up). My eating is still not normal, but I live with it pretty well. I probably have a body image disorder. What matters most to me, by far, is that I don't pass this on to my daughter, and I'm fighting for that.